This was published October 24, 2007
Life is definetaly interesting. I had a pretty amazing time in Wichita this past weekend. It was strange because it didn't feel like a typical visit somewhere. It felt like I was a college student home for a break. It honestly felt more like home than Rockford does these days. The house I grew up in no longer really seems like my house, it is my parent's house. It's not like I had my own house to come back to in Wichita, but I felt a tranquility there, a welcomeness, a warmth, it was home.
I got home from class last Wednesday at around 9:30 and decided I would go to bed and wake up at 3:00 a.m. and head for Wichita. Well I tossed and turned until about 11:30 and decided it was pointless to continue trying to sleep so I got in my car and drove. Suprisingly enough I was so hopped up on caffene and adrenaline that I made it all the way to Wichita without stopping except to get gas and coffee. I got there at 7:45 a.m. I stopped at Andrew and Kristi's to take a shower and a nap.
After that I headed to Carroll in time for lunch to start. Noone knew I was coming so it was pretty sweet to suprise everyone. It was so awesome to see the looks on the guys faces as they realized I was there. I felt so loved. I felt like I had never left. It felt like this was were I belonged.
I spent the rest of the weekend hanging out with old friends and former students and Knights. I went to the Homecoming game, went to Buffalo Wild Wings with a group of the Knights, played cards with Tony and Kelly, subbed at Carroll, visited one of my old hangouts, the vagabond, with Bonny and Katie, hung out with Erin, and spent time at the Rohleder House. I got to do all my favorite things in Wichita and spend time with all my favorite people in Wichita.
It's odd. I continue to have peace and know that Denver is where God wants me. Like I have said before I love my graduate program and my new friends here but it is still hard some times. Going to Wichita kind of messed with my head a little bit. Last night I got a text message from Josh telling me they had won their soccer game. First time Carroll had won a regional soccer game in a decade. They are heading to Liberal on Thursday for their next game. I was so happy for him and the team yet at the same time it hurt me so much that I wasn't able to see it, that I wasn't able to be there for him and watch him win. I really do miss it. It really did become home after five years no matter how hard I tried to fight that. I guess this is all a part of the continued trust God is trying to show me. I have to keep trusting. I have to keep surrendering myself to His will every single day.
I guess it is true that sometimes in order to really appreciate something you need to lose it. I continue to have no doubt in my mind that I needed to leave Wichita. I need to be in Denver right now. It doesn't make it any easier though. But something inside of me is thinking I'll be back. I could be totally wrong and God could lead me some where else, so we'll see.
You know when it boils down to it I just want to have my life figured out. I want to be settled into my vocation. I want to have kids and raise boys like the guys in the Knights. I said to God yesterday, "You know here is my desire, take it or leave it because you know what is best for me. I'm just going to throw it out there and if you want to make it happen that would be great. By the time I'm done with my graduate program I want to be with the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, I want to settle in Wichita, teach at Carroll and raise a family there." Who knows if that is God's plan for me. It seems like my plan is never God's plan, but we shall see. Once again continue to trust, be patient, and surrender! That really sucks some times, but hey, it is how we grow in holiness!
Well I have a crazy rest of the week ahead. I need to sit down and write one of my papers today. Pray for me!