This was published on November 19, 2006
"Being human is a 24/hr a day, 7 day a week job". These were the main words of Father Jarrod's homily at one of the masses at school this week. It struck a cord within me. I've kind of been feeling like all I want is a break these days. I've never felt more in limbo and uncertain about my future as I do now. It seems like life has just been coming at me from so many directions over the last couple months and I wonder if I'll ever have things completely figured out.
The answer is that I won't ever have things figured out. Not until I meet my maker that is. I'm always going to wonder. I'm always going to have something to stress about. I'm always going to have something I can improve on in my life. I'm always going to have doubts about what to do. I'm always going to be human and with that comes certain challenges, privileges and responsibilities.
This week has been crazy. I think I have experienced every form of emotion. I've had a very "human" week. God sometimes has a way of really reminding us of our humanity, that's why Father Jarrod's homily was so fitting on Tuesday. It had been to that point and continued to be the theme of my week. I'm still feeling very anxious and confused about my future. Still know this is where I need to be at the moment in time. But I can't help but feel like there is something missing in my life. I'm happy, but I'm not content.
Monday I woke up and finally got back into my early morning work out routine. With being out of town and so much going on it had been difficult to do, but I was finally able to get back into it this week. The School day was good, but busy as usual. I was able to see Ryan Biedron, released from the hospital after the crash last week. That brought with it many emotions. I don't think I've ever appreciated my students as much as I have over the last week. God has made me really aware of how much I love and care about them.
Scott and Stephen asked me to be their confirmation sponsor. That brings the total to 5. It sounds like an absurd amount but I really think I'm supposed to do this. I'm cutting it off here though. I don't feel worthy of this at all. I'm nowhere near the example I need to be, but this will challenge me to be better. Plus these 5 guys are guys I care deeply about. They are seriously like my little brothers. They literally are through the Knights. I only pray that God uses my "humanness" to truly be a witness of his love to these boys.
Tuesday and Wednesday for some strange reason I experienced a lot of anxiety. I don't know why, but there was seriously something in the pit of my stomach bothering me. I seemed to be annoyed with every little thing. I was worried about everyone and everything. I don't know what it was and to be honest I haven't completely shaken the feeling. I don't know what God is doing inside me but I can literally the battle waging in my soul. It's scary but I'm trying to trust and surrender.
Last night was the final game of Carroll Football for the season. We lost to Great Bend 21 to 14. I felt so bad for my boys. They really took the loss hard. I just pray for them today. I only hope that they don't do anything stupid tonight. I hope and pray that they deal with their loss as humans and not animals.
Ok so this entry is really jumbled and skips around topics a lot. My real point is this. God is working. That means that he makes us work. He calls us to be human at all times. And that is going to mean good times as well as bad, as well as not so bad indifferent ones. The trials and the joys will never stop. We will never be able to fully make sense of what God is doing in our lives while we are here. But all that means is we have to work hard at understanding it here so that when the time comes we get the chance to make sense of all of it and appreciate it for what its really worth!