This was published on April 22, 2008
It is 9:30a.m. and I'm sitting at work trying to figure out what the heck I'm going to do to pass the time until 12:30. I'm on my second cup of coffee trying to stay awake and muster enough energy to last through the day. I was up until 1:30 last night talking to my roommate Dave. This seems to be a common trend, talking to Dave until it is way past my bed time. Then I suffer for it the next day. But hey if we didn't stay up talking so late who else would solve all the world's problems. If we didn't stay up late talking how else would we figure our lives out. I mean the two of us have the power to fix everything don't we? I mean I'm this incredibly Holy man that can perform miracles and Dave is this brilliant thinker...with our powers combined...hell we can't even make Captain Planet. Not saying that our talks are unproductive or non helpful, I really enjoy our talks. In a certain sense they do help a lot. But there is something I continually come back to everytime we finish a talk, that is how much I don't trust.
Has God ever given me a reason not to trust Him? No, and yet I seem to continually lack trust in His ultimate will for my life. I constantly worry about the future. I have a very hard time living in the present moment. I constantly want to be in control. Everytime I live like this something not so good happens, yet I keep trying to do the same thing expecting different results. Isn't that the definition of insanity?
I have no control. I am not in charge of my life. I am merely one small instrutment in His much larger plan. It can be very difficult to live this way, especially when we don't see the big picture right now. We want all the answers for everything right now, but we're not going to get them, because God doesn't work like that. Remember when we were kids, how easy it was to just trust our parents. Everything they said we believed. We didn't worry about anything because we knew we would be taken care of. That I am realizing is the kind of trust God wants from me now. And that kind of trust is tough because I have been wounded, I have been affected by my own sins. The innocence I had as a child has been lost. However, if I do not strive to be like that child with the grace of God I'm never going to be able to relinquish control of my life over to the one who has a much better idea of where it should go than I.
As difficult as it is I have to continually look back at my life and realize God has NEVER let me down and He NEVER will. As I look back on my life the most difficult moments have been when I did not want to trust God and tried doing things my way. When I try and stay in control I am miserable. As I look back on my life and reflect on the moments when I gave up control and allowed God to take the lead I realize I was most at peace in those moments.
So how do we do that? How do we trust more? It is a continual handing over. It is making that decision to trust every day. We must seek God in prayer in the Sacraments, which is something I have sucked at lately. The other day I was on the phone with a former student who challeneged me to pray a Rosary every day this week for an intention of his. I thought to myself, "you're challenging me, wow how the tables have turned". But he served as the voice of Christ to me reminding me that I needed to return to trusting Him and that begins with prayer!
Jesus I trust in you...Jesus I trust in you...Jesus I trust in you!