This was Published on October 5, 2006
I feel very bi polar these days. The fall just seems like a giant roller coaster so far. I get way up and excited and then I come barrelling down. It's been great in so many ways and I am so thankful to God for all the blessings he's given me, however there is something not right. I feel like I go through my days, and while I enjoy them, there is something missing.
My prayer life is not where I want it, but it is better than it has been. Well better in the sense of being disciplined and trying to have one, but I'm definetally going through a desert phaze. I honestly feel like God is not speaking to me at all. I speak but feel like I get no reply. I'd call it a dark night of the soul but I'm not Holy enough to experience one of those.
At School life is good, nothing to complain about, but something feels off. I'm not clicking with my kids like I have in the past. I love my students, don't get me wrong but they aren't giving me this overwhelming joy to see them everyday. It's almost like I enjoying seeing and talking to my former students in the hallways during passing periods more than I do my current students.
With my friends, I love them, I enjoy spending time with them, but I feel like some days I have to force myself to be around them. It has nothing to do with them. I generally enjoy myself when I'm with them, but for some reason I've felt like just not being around a whole lot of people lately.
I want to date and get married. I have a prospective someone I've been talking to here and there. Yet, I feel like I shouldn't be dating, like I'm not in a place where I should be dating. It makes me mad that I feel this way, because I want to date.
I feel like I've started to tear slightly. I feel like God is trying to break me. I feel like God needs to break me even more so he can build me back up. I'm not sure how he's going to do it but it scares me a little bit. A couple weeks ago after mass I was talking to a friend. This friend told me she had been praying for me and that God had told her I need to reconcile something from my past and then I would be out of here. I'm not quite sure exactly what she meant by that, but for some reason it made sense. It struck a cord with me. Maybe she was off base, maybe she wasn't. I just wish God would talk to me about that.
I'm not quite sure what's going on with me. A big part of me feels like I just should have left after last year. Part of me loves teaching and another part of me is ready for a carreer change. But I don't know what else to do. But then again who knows if that is really what's bothering me.
Honestly I know I'll be ok and everything will work itself out, but it sucks to go through this. If you could all just pray for me that would be great. Well hope everyone has a great weekend!