Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Missing You

This was published on October 14, 2008

It's been two months since I wrote a real blog. I've written a bunch of stuff arguing politics on facebook but I figured it was time to write something about life. Life has continued to be a roller coaster. I wish I could write and say everyting has been awesome. I wish I could just write about how wonderful life is and how great my spiritual life is. But I'm realizing there haven't been a ton of those nor will there be a ton of those while I'm in this period of transition in my life. My life is simply just not normal these days. Its hard to get into any sort of a routine or find any sort of consitency in my life or my relationships. It seems like I'm never hanging out with the same group of people or experiencing stability in my daily schedule. I guess that is how it goes when you are in Graduate school and work two jobs.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't say things are not going well per say it just feels like life is just kind of there. There doesn't seem to be anything for me to be horribly upset or depressed about but there doesn't seem to be anything for me to get incredibly excited about. I told a friend the other day on the phone that I just feel like I'm in survival mode. I have lost all emotion and I'm just going through my days working to get everything done I need to. I have never wanted it to be May so badly. I feel like my real life is on pause and I'm living this alternate life so I can go back to my real life eventually. Well I can't wait to go back to that. Which is wierd because this is real life and God is trying to show me stuff here. I'm trying to be as open as possible and figure out what it is God is doing my life in this very moment but not going to lie, its hard as hell.
I honestly just miss a lot of things. I miss waking up in the morning and feeling so excited to take on whatever came that day. I can honestly say I never felt more alive than when I was teaching. I miss the same feeling that came with the college days. I miss my household brothers. I miss Austria. I miss the moments in college where everything was carefree, all my friends and I did was love Jesus and enjoy life. There didn't seem to be anything in the world that mattered except our friendship and growing in Holiness. I miss my former students. I miss the Knights. I miss Starbucks with Erin. I miss the Daisy House. I miss Kim. I miss nights at the Vagabond with Bonny and Marianna. I miss the Brandts. I miss being around people the know me inside and out. I miss deep relationships that challenge me to be a better man. I miss people that love me and that I love more than anything. I miss feeling like I am so completely loved by people around me that nothing else in the world matters. I miss being able to pour myself out in love to my students, friends, and household brothers. I miss being able to see Christ so clearly in others.
I don't know why but all of that is harder in Denver. I have a hard time being excited about my days. I honestly hate going to work. I love my classes and what I'm learning but at the same time can't wait to be done with them. I'm so busy with school and other jobs that I can't give of myself to my teens in youth group the way I would like. I feel like all I'm left with in social times is random parties and superficial conversations with people.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not completely alone. I am so greatful for people like Hugh and Wendy and a small handful of others that I love hanging out with and feel totally welcomed and loved by. Its just hard when I don't get to see any of those people as often as I would like because my schedule is so crazy. This blog makes it sound like things are worse than they actually are. No, things aren't bad, they just aren't awesome. There just isn't that thrill about life inside me that always seemed to be there in college and in my last few years of teaching. I want that thrill back. I want to be able to have a passion for souls and life that I'm having trouble finding right now. I continue to go to the Eucharist and continue to pray. Maybe could do a little better at it, but I feel like right now its just me and God and he's teaching me to be dependant on Him more than ever before. This is hard for me because I'm such a people person and the way I have always experienced Christ is through people. I guess Christ is trying to teach me to experience Him in other ways and to learn to seek and find Him when noone is around.
I'm off to New Orleans to visit my brothers this weekend. I'm really excited and hope it is a little dose of just what the doctor ordered. I'm hoping to come back refreshed and rejuvinated. Time to kick up the prayers for perseverance and fortitude. I just pray I make it to May a little holier and a little wiser. I just pray I can see God and learn whatever it is He is trying to teach me in the midst of all this.

No comments: