Rantings and Reflections with Gonzo

To My Beautiful Daughter With Love

2012-02-11T07:46:00.003-07:00

Dear Sophia Rose,

As I write this you are still growing in your Mother's womb. We are both waiting with great anticipation for your arrival. However, if you are reading this you are probably a teenager who is pissed at me because I wouldn’t let you leave the house wearing a sorry excuse for a dress to go hang out with some guy who is not good enough for you and I’ve given this to you as a reminder of my great love for you. Yes that is right, I loved you intensely the moment I discovered your existence in your mother’s womb. As Jeremiah 1:5 says, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. Although those are God’s words and I can’t quite say that in the same way, I do know that I can share in those words in a smaller way. Before you came into this world I loved you! My life was forever changed the moment your mother told me she was pregnant. At first we weren’t sure that you were a Sophia. I thought maybe you could be a Dominic, however deep down inside we always knew you were going to be a beautiful little girl that will one day grow into an amazing young woman.

I don’t know what these next several years will hold for us. I sit in prayer and thought several times throughout the day wondering what life will bring. Will I cry tears of joy as I hold you in my arms for the first time? I imagine the first time I will see you smile or laugh and it brings a smile to my face. I imagine the pride I will feel as you take your first steps or speak your first words (which will definitely be papi by the way)! I imagine the way my heart will melt the first time you walk out of your room wearing a big girl dress. I imagine the first time my little girl will dance with me. I imagine the day you head off for your first day of school or go off for your first sleepover at a friend’s house and wanting to not let you go experience life without me. But I will have to let you and start to let go slowly. I imagine the day you start liking boys and getting the urge to not let you talk to them but having to resist that urge. I imagine the days I will have to still guide you and parent you while at the same time allow you to make mistakes and not be overprotective of my beautiful little girl. Will I walk you down the aisle and dance with my princess on her wedding day? Will I sit in a big Church as a beautiful habit is placed on you and you join a group of women to spend your life in service to others and prayer for the conversion of the world? Will you give me grandchildren or spend your days praying that your mom and I get to heaven? Who knows what life will bring but I know that every day will be a new adventure with you and my heart is full of joy and anticipation to experience life as your dad!

I can’t promise you your life will be perfect. I can’t promise you your life will be easy. I can’t promise you your life will be without suffering. But I can promise you that you will be loved unconditionally. No matter what I will always love you. My love for you is not dependant on what you do or who you become but simply on the fact that you are God’s precious gift to me and NOTHING can ever separate you from my love for you. You are beautifully and wonderfully made and you must remember that the only thing that defines you is that you are a beautiful girl that is precious to me and more importantly to God our Heavenly Father.

I can also promise you that I am your parent first and your friend second. I ultimately want what is best for you. There are going to be times in your life that you don’t like me and even times where you “hate” me and as much as it will hurt I won’t give in to you. I have been entrusted with your soul. My number one priority will be to get you to heaven and introduce you to Christ. You may someday reject this but none the less my job is to teach you the truth. This means there will be a lot of things your friends will be allowed to do that you will not, but I am asking you to trust me as your father. I desire your happiness and your holiness and I will always have these two things in mind when raising you.

I also promise you that I will pray for you every day. I started praying for you the moment your mother told me you were coming to us. I pray that you will meet Jesus and enter into a deep and abiding relationship with Him. I pray that He becomes your best friend. When you smile I will Thank God for your smile. When you laugh I will thank God for your laugh. When you do great things I will thank God for the amazing talents He has given you. When you make mistakes and fall into sin I will ask God through the intercession of Mary to put you back on the right path. When you are suffering or hurting I will ask God and Our Lady to comfort you. When you are unsure of what decisions to make I will ask God to give you wisdom and guide you and Mary to give you the grace to respond to His will as she did. The greatest gift I can give you is to offer everything you are to Mary our Mother and Her Son so that you may be given every grace you need to become a Saint.

This world is an amazing place but also a scary place. There will be a lot of things in this world that will distract you from what is important. You will be tempted to do things that go against the will of God and the way your mom and I will raise you. I want you to know that when you do make mistakes I will be here to help you. I want you to know that God’s mercy is infinite and no matter how many times you fall I will be there to help you back up and lead you back into the arms of our heavenly Father. There is no mistake or sin too big that will make me or God stop loving you. Remember is it not about how many times you fall, it is about how many times you get back up and keep fighting!

Lastly, I promise you my protection. I will protect you as a King defends his daughter the princess. That is exactly what you are; my princess and I will defend you until the day a worthy knight (be it a good holy man or Jesus) proves himself worthy of you to take my place as your protector. I will fight for you when you need to be fought for. I will stand in the way of things that seek to harm you. I will protect your heart and help you guard your purity. I will teach you to see and discover the beauty inside you. I will teach you to detect the wolves and dragons in disguise that try to trick you into giving your heart away when you should not. I will teach you to understand that your worth is in Christ and not in your body. I will take a bullet for you if I have to!

I love you so much! God has an incredible plan for you! I am humbled that God has picked me to be your father and help you discover that plan. You are beautiful, you are amazing, you are talented, and you are loved! Never forget that! I will make mistakes when raising you. I am not pretending to be perfect. I hope you will forgive me when I do make mistakes. Everything I will do will be to show you how beautiful and precious you are. As I said my goal is your sanctity and happiness. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms Sophia! I have a feeling you are going to be one of the best things that has ever happened to me!

Love,

Your Daddy

Evangelizing Cyberspace?

2012-02-05T09:45:00.002-07:00

Is Evangelizing Cyberspace possible? Can we really be effective witnesses and Evangelizers via social netwroking sites? In the last few days I have come to realize that this is the one place where the only way to evangelize is through silence. To simply keep out of political and moral discussions on facebook is probably the best course of action. Let's be honest noone has ever been persuaded to faith because of a long and intense discussion thread on facebook. These discussions are pointless! I think the occasional good article posted to one's profile or the occasional Saint or Bible quote in one's status or on one's profile might throw some good thoughts out there to get people to think, but that is it. Actually getting into a discussion over said quote or article is pretty useless. All it does is cause people to take things way to personally and get people riled up to say things they normally would not say in a face to face discussion. I have been a sucker for these little debates for years. Well I'm done. It is just not effective and it just makes me an angrier and more frustrated person. If I'm going to love someone and bring them to the truth facebook is not the way to do it.

How did Jesus win people over? Through forming relationships with them. We can't build relationships on facebook. It just is not possible. Facebook simply makes people think they are engaging in real relationship. The way to bring people to Christ is by engaging in real face to face conversations with them. We have to spend actual quality time with people to have an impact on their lives. A really whitty or intelleigent post on facebook is not going to do anything!

In conclusion I would like to apologize to cyber space if in the heat of a discussion I have said anything in a way that has made Christians or Catholics look bad. I'm not necessarily apologizing for speaking truth. I will always defend my faith to the death even if it offends someone. But if I have ever defened my faith in a way that Christ would not be proud of or ok with I apologize. I am a passionate person and sometimes that can get me into trouble. At the end of the day I can with all honesty and sincerity say the reason I get riled up and say things is because I love Jesus Christ and His Church so much that I want to share that with others. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that the Truth is found there and it has made me so infinitely happy that I want everyone I love to experience and have what I have. However facebook is simply not the place to do that and I'm done. For now I will focus my energies on evangelizing others the way Christ did: In person! So if anyone is up for a good healthy dicussion lets go grab a beer and enjoy some laughs while we do it so I can get to know who you are as a person and understand where you are coming from far better than I ever could through some statuses and pictures you have been tagged in!

Forming Disciples

2012-02-04T10:47:00.004-07:00

Last year Fr. Jarrod came to me and another teacher asking us if we would consider working with a group of seniors to prepare them to be the ones who put on the freshmen retreat for the next school year. We both thought it would be a great idea and we jumped all over it. However, neither of us imagined the fruit that this would bear.

Back in November we put our team of seniors together after taking several weeks to pray about it and come up with a list of names. I honestly did not know some of the senior boys I asked extremely well but I felt the Holy Spirit moving me to ask them. Aubrey would be working with the girls and I would be working with the guys. I knew five of the guys we chose fairly well from Knights of the Holy Queen but the other five I only briefly knew through other school activities and a couple of those I had taught but had only gotten to know briefly through that. When I asked these five men they all agreed although I must say a few of them seemed a little taken a back that they had been asked.

With our team assembled we began to have meetings on Wednesday mornings before school and on Saturday afternoons. The meetings were long and required a big commitment from the team. We did not just meet to plan a retreat however we did much more than that. When we met I spent almost more time building a relationship with these men and giving them formational talks and praying than we did planning the actual retreat. We grew in friendship as a group and began encountering Christ more deeply in our lives. Over the course of the two months we met to plan the retreat I began to see these guys' lives transform before my eyes. They grew in confidence, they grew in their ability and desire to pray, and they began handing their lives more fully over to Christ. Three of the five men that were not Knights of the Holy Queen become more involved in the group and came on retreat with the Knights right before we put on the freshmen retreat. One of those men was a guy I met his sophomore year when I was helping with the sophomore retreat and on that retreat I felt God put on my heart that he needed to be involved with Knights. It took me two years to get into this kids life and bring him to Knights but the Holy Spirit did a number on him by getting him involved in the freshman retreat and now with his continued involvement with Knights I see that the Holy Spirit has grabbed hold of his heart in a powerful way. Through this whole experience these ten guys have all become closer friends and developed a brotherhood amongst themselves. I see them challenging each other to grow in holiness and keep each other accountable. The transformation and fruits of the team alone made this whole experience worth it!

Then came the retreat. These men lead the day by letting the Holy Spirit lead the way. They gave incredible talks and where very real with the freshmen boys. They had the freshmen boys hanging on their every word. They were true examples to these freshmen guys. They were open and honest about the mistakes they had made in High School and how Christ had met them in their woundedness and brokenness and was working to make them whole. They truly gave the freshmen boys the message to not be afraid of their faith and to allow Christ into their lives. They emphasized the mercy of God as well, telling them that Christ was waiting for them and would wait as long as it took for them to figure it out. Every single freshman boy went to confession that day. Every single one of them received the Eucharist at mass that day. We received countless e-mails and phone calls from parents who were amazed at the fact that their freshmen sons had enjoyed the retreat and gotten so much out of it. For Senior boys to give them this message spoke volumes to them, especially when half those freshmen worship the ground these seniors walk on.

Up until now the freshmen retreat had been put on by NET. I never heard many positive comments from the freshmen after they would come back from a day with NET. I'm not knocking NET. I have many good friends who have done it and I think they do excellent work. However, teens today are much easier to reach through relationship and so I think the freshmen responded much better to kids they see in the hallways every day that they look up to giving them the message than to a bunch of college kids they have never met before. I think that this approach could begin to transform our school. The team and the freshmen are still talking about their experience and putting the things they learned into practice even two weeks after the retreat. I pray it continues. I am amazed at the work of the Holy Spirit through this and look forward to see what sort of fruit this continues to bear.

This has by far been the most rewarding and awesome thing I have done since I have returned to Carroll. I am excited to continue being a part of this process. Thank you Lord for little things like this that remind me how blessed I am to teach and be a part of the lives of the students at Bishop Carroll. I am always humbled by things like this. It amazes me that God is able to use me as an instrument in situations like this despite my own sinfulness. Thank you Lord!

Wake Up!

2012-01-27T16:44:00.001-07:00

Bishop: Obama Said 'To Hell with Catholics!" Bishop David A. Zubik of the Diocese of Pittsburg wrote a response to the recent outrageous HHS mandate. And it's scathing. And perfect. And a must read. Here it is: It is really hard to believe that it happened. It comes like a slap in the face. The Obama administration has just told the Catholics of the United States, “To Hell with you!” There is no other way to put it. In early August, the Department for Health and Human Services in the Obama administration released guidelines as part of the implementation of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. The guidelines mandated that by Summer 2012 all individual and group health insurance plans, including self-insured plans, cover all FDA-approved contraception, sterilization procedures and pharmaceuticals that even result in abortion. A million things are wrong with this: equating pregnancy with disease; mandating that every employer pay for contraception procedures including alleged contraceptives that are actually abortion-inducing drugs; forcing American citizens to chose between violating their consciences or providing health care services; mandating such coverage on every individual woman without allowing her to even choose not to have it; forcing every person to pay for that coverage no matter the dictates of their conscience. Let’s be blunt. This whole process of mandating these guidelines undermines the democratic process itself. In this instance, the mandate declares pregnancy a disease, forces a culture of contraception and abortion on society, all while completely bypassing the legislative process. This is government by fiat that attacks the rights of everyone – not only Catholics; not only people of all religion. At no other time in memory or history has there been such a governmental intrusion on freedom not only with regard to religion, but even across-the-board with all citizens. It forces every employer to subsidize an ideology or pay a penalty while searching for alternatives to heath care coverage. It undermines the whole concept and hope for health care reform by inextricably linking it to the zealotry of pro-abortion bureaucrats. For our Church this mandate would apply in virtually every instance where the Catholic Church serves as an employer. The mandate would require the Catholic Church as an employer to violate its fundamental beliefs concerning human life and human dignity by forcing Catholic entities to provide contraceptive, sterilization coverage and even pharmaceuticals that result in abortion. There was a so-called “religious exemption” to the mandate, but it was so narrowly drawn that, as critics charged, Jesus Christ and his Apostles would not fit the exemption. The so-called exemption would only apply to the vast array of Catholic institutions where the following applied: •Only Catholics are employed; •The primary purpose of the institution or service provided is the direct instruction in Catholic belief; •The only persons served by the institution are those that share Catholic religious tenets. (Try to fit this in with our local Catholic Charities that serve 80,000 every year without discrimination according to faith. It would be impossible!) Practically speaking under the proposed mandate there would be no “religious exemption” for Catholic hospitals universities, colleges, nursing homes and numerous Catholic social service agencies such as Catholic Charities. It could easily be determined that the “religious exemption” would not apply as well to Catholic high schools, elementary schools and Catholic parishes since many employ non-Catholics and serve both students and, through social outreach, many who do not share Catholic religious beliefs. Such a narrow “religious exemption” is simply unprecedented in federal law. Last September I asked you to protest those guidelines to Kathleen Sebelius, secretary of the U.S. Department for Health and Human Services, and contact your political leadership in the federal government. I asked that you request that this flawed mandate be withdrawn because of its unprecedented interference in the religious liberty and freedom of conscience of the Catholic community, and our basic democratic process. You did. And you were joined by Catholics throughout the country (and many others as well) who raised their voices against the mandate, raised their voices against a meaningless religious exemption. On January 20, 2012, the Obama administration answered you and me. The response was very simple: “To Hell with You.” Kathleen Sebelius announced that the mandate would not be withdrawn and the religious exemption would not be expanded. Instead, she stated that nonprofit groups – which include the Catholic Church – will get a year “to adapt to this new rule.” She simply dismissed Catholic concerns as standing in the way of allegedly respecting the health concerns and choices of women. Could Catholics be insulted any more, suggesting that we have no concern for women’s health issues? The Catholic Church and the Catholic people have erected health care facilities that are recognized worldwide for their compassionate care for everyone regardless of their creed, their economic circumstances and, most certainly, their gender. In so many parts of the globe – the United States included – the Church is health care. Kathleen Sebelius and through her, the Obama administration, have said “To Hell with You” to the Catholic faithful of the United States. •To Hell with your religious beliefs, •To Hell with your religious liberty, •To Hell with your freedom of conscience. We’ll give you a year, they are saying, and then you have to knuckle under. As Cardinal-designate Timothy Dolan, archbishop of New York and president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops responded, “in effect, the president is saying that we have a year to figure out how to violate our consciences.” As I wrote to you last September, with this mandate the democratic process is being ignored while we are being ordered to ignore our religious beliefs. And we are being told not only to violate our beliefs, but to pay directly for that violation; to subsidize the imposition of a contraceptive and abortion culture on every person in the United States. It is time to go back to work. They have given us a year to adapt to this rule. We can’t! We simply cannot! Write to the president. Write to Secretary Sebelius. Write to our Senators. Write to those in Congress.

My Kingdom Is Not of This World

2012-01-25T18:29:00.002-07:00

In the Gospels Jesus speaks of the Kingdom of God being at hand. He also says that His Kingdom is not of this world. I think this has always been clear. We live in a world full of sin. Human nature is constantly trying to do what it desires rather than the will of God. Throughout history there has always been a constant struggle between building up the city of man versus the city of God. If you think about it we are not creative when it comes to sin. The sins of today are not much different than the sins of Rome or other cultures throughout history. The problem is we don't learn from these things. While this has always been the case I think that we have been reminded in the last few days especially that we are pilgrims on a journey.

As many of you know Obama gave an executive order last week that all health insurance programs must provide coverage for contraception and sterilization and Religious organizations are not exempt from this. This means that Catholic Hospitals would be required to provide these services under this executive order. This is a gross violation of our right to freedom of religion. This is direct religious persecution from this administration. We as Catholics cannot sit back silently. We need to write letters and speak out against this issue. The Church has always thrived in moments of persecution and I think President Obama is about to wake a sleeping dragon. And truly sleeping has this dragon been in the United States. We have lived cushy lives as Catholics here in the U.S. How many Catholics in other parts of the world have undergone intense persecution that produced martyrs? We have become complacent here because we have always lived in a country where we are completely free to practice our faith. We are not above being persecuted in this country! Lines are being drawn in the sand and the time is coming where we as Catholics are going to have to decide on what side of that line we will stand. Complacency and lukewarmness will no longer be an option. I don't know if we will see blood martyrdom but I will not be surprised if we see that here in this country in our life time. On the one hand this is a scary thing we are witnessing beginning to take place in our country but on the other hand I can honestly say I am ready to take a firm stand for Christ and His Church no matter what the world around me is doing.

The beautiful thing about this is that no matter what Obama and his cronies through at us we have already won. We are part of the winning team because we are on Christ's team and He has already won the victory. His Kingdom is not of this world and while we have a moral obligation to stand up for truth and what is right we have to realize that we cannot build an earthly paradise here. Don’t get me wrong I am extremely angered by what Obama has done but I have to remind myself that God is the one truly in control. At the end of the day every knee will bow and confess that Jesus Christ is Lord! We don't have Obama hope, we have real HOPE! At the end of all this suffering, persecution, and muck is the eternal life. We have the joy of Heaven and the great gift of entering into the divine life of the Holy Trinity where all our desires will be fulfilled and every tear wiped away! Someday all the horrible things we stress about will merely be a distant memory and we will wonder why we ever worried about them to begin with. Let us trust in the faithfulness of our Heavenly Father and continue to persevere in this life by striving for virtue and being lights in the midst of the darkness. Because as Thomas More said a society will never be so bad that a good man can't live virtuously in it. In other words the "light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it."

A Year of Favor From the Lord

2011-12-31T15:27:00.003-07:00

2011 has been a great year! I can't believe how much life has changed in the past year and how much more it is going to change in the year and years to come. Mary Beth and I shared a lot of great moments over the past year. There were some tough moments as well but honestly all in all it was a incredible year. In past years I have blogged about best and worst moments. This year I am only going to focus on the best because in all honesty I can't think of many bad ones and I figured I would end 2011 with an attitude of graditude.

So here are some highlights from 2011 in chronological order:

1. A visit from Steve which was paid for by Bishop Carroll. He gave some chasitity talks around town and we got enjoy a few days of hang out time with him.

2. A trip to California with my in-laws. This included a trip to Disney Land which allowed me to be 5 for a day not to mention a trip to Stone Brewery in Escondito and some good chill time with family and a night with the my boys Beschen, Thompson, Matt Gregory, and their families.

3. A Trip to Denver for Fr. John Nepil's Ordination. Such a great weekend and so blessed to have been part of the celebration.

4. A visit from Laurie, Larry, and Brad for Father's Day weekend.

5. Celebrating our one year anniversarry with a trip to Peru. This included time in Lima with my extended family and a trip to Cusco and Machuppichu! This was a trip of a lifetime.

6. A trip to Rockford and Chicago for Daniella Andrade's Wedding.

7. A Trip to Texas for Brad's 30th Birthday Party.

8. Finding out we were expecting our first child!

9. A Trip to Rockford Labor Day Weekend for what was an incredible weekend with family as we celebrated my brother Diego's wedding. I gained a pretty awesome sister-in-law that weekend too!

10. A Trip to Denver for the Nova et Veterra Conference and time with Friends.

11. Finding out we are having a little girl! Sophia Rose will be joining us in April!

12. A trip to Illinois for Christmas. We got to spend some much needed relaxation time with family and friends, got a brand new T.V. and Sophia Rose got spoiled to death at a Baby shower put on by my mom.

All in all it was such great year! I am lovign my job teaching, Mary Beth is subbing and doing well and we are also blessed with a second job of me being a TA for the Augustine Institute! God is good! Bring on 2012, the year that will bring Sophia Rose into this world!

A Faithful Friend is a Sturdy Shelter

2011-12-26T11:19:00.004-07:00

The other night before we went to a nice dinner at Altamore in Rockford with my family we decided to open a bottle of wine and enjoy a nice drink and conversation before heading to the restaurant. While enjoying my family the topic came up about how my parents, brother, and wife are all amazed at how many friendships I maintain in my life. In some senses I guess I am too. This is not something that is news to me though. Throughout my entire life this has been something everyone I know points out about me. This is one of the gifts God has blessed me with. Throughout high school and college my friends in Rockford referred to me as the social secretary of the group. If I didn't call everyone and plan it people sat at home. That is just the way it went. Since college I have been called the glue that holds some of my different friendship groups together. When it came time to planning the guest list for our wedding my wife wanted to scream when she saw my list. Of the 520 people we invited to the wedding, 400 of those where from my list.

The crazy thing is that of course there are people in my life I am closer to than others but I have several friends I consider "close". People think I'm crazy when I say this but there are genuinely a fairly large number of people who have had a large impact on my life. These are the friendships that have shown me Christ. These are the friendships who have challenged me to be a better man, who have held me accountable, and have shown me the face of Christ in countless ways. I know it is crazy to have so many “close” friends but I have lived several places throughout my life and everywhere I have lived I have discovered and developed strong friendships and community. We as human begins are made for relationship. We can only truly discover who we are in becoming vulnerable and sharing ourselves with others. Through this we not only more deeply find ourselves but we more deeply encounter Christ as well. The funny thing is that friendships of mine that are faith based are the ones that have lasted. The friendships that were not are the ones that have fallen by the wayside. Don't get me wrong I still think about some of those people and pray for them but because the only thing really binding us together was common experiences. Theses friendships faded to the back ground when there were no more experiences to share because we moved away from each other. The other friendships God has blessed me with however have forever changed me and will continue to be a part of my life. I may not see or talk to some these people every day or every month even but I know we will always be a part of each other's lives in some way. I would like to introduce you to some of them.

The Rockford Crew: Melissa, Mary, Mike, and Kyle are the closest to me of the Rockford crew. Yes there are others I stay in touch with occasionally and see when I come back to Rockford but these four know me better than anyone else. And of these four Melissa is the closest. She is like a sister. We literally call each other bro and sis. I am her son’s godfather. But the five of us really do everything we can to see each other and spend time together whenever we are in Rockford at the same time. We have known each other since high school. We were involved in youth group together, we spent late nights drinking coffee together, watching movies, having really stupid conversation and sharing in some pretty deep and meaningful conversations. We have traveled far and wide to each other's weddings and we know exactly the things to say to one another that will piss us off and the right things to say that will cheer us up. We have seen each other through good times and bad. We have had to call each other out on stupid crap and celebrated joyous moments in life together. Through it all we have welcomed spouses and girlfriends into the mix and hope to see the day when our children are all old enough to play together and become friends. I would aslo be remiss If I did not mention my friend Alex here. We probably see eachother the least out of everyone from Rockford because our schedules just don't seem to mesh, however we tend to continually be in touch in other ways. He has been around the longest in my life out of any of my Rockford friends. Though we don't always see eye to eye on things I can honestly say there is a special bond between us that keeps us in each other's thoughts, prayers, and lives.

The Steubenville Crew: People who didn't go to school here do not realize the intensity of the bonds that are formed there. The friendships I made there are some of the most profound I've ever had. I am especially close with my Household Brothers from the Knights of the Holy Queen. These men showed me what it is to be a real man. These men drew me into deeper relationship with Christ and Our Lady. My closest friends from this group are Matt, Guy, Andy, Grignon, Cedor and Beschen. Five of these six guys where in my wedding (the only reason Beschen wasn't was because he couldn't get off work to fly out for it). I don't talk to these guys as often as I would like but when we see each other we pick up right where we left off. I have laughed the hardest with these guys as well as shared myself with them more than I have with anyone else. I also continue to stay in touch with these guys and other household brothers through an e-mail list we have. We share prayer request, struggles, make fun of each other, and banter about sports and politics. These e-mails get me through my day a lot. It is a constant reminder of the bond we all share that most people will never understand, especially if they didn't go to Franciscan. Within the Franciscan crew I also must give a shout out to the women in my life from there: Adrien, Abby, Abbie, Maria, Rosko, Trene, Marchelle and Lindsay. These ladies have truly been sisters to me. They have kept me accountable and shown me how girls deserve to be treated and are examples of true womanhood. I was honored to have some of them travel so far to my wedding. It is always great to stay in touch and hear from them occasionally as well.

The Wichita Crew: The Brandts and the Daisy House Crew have been my constants. They provided me with friendship and community at a time in my life where I thought I would never find friends like the ones I had from Franciscan and Rockford again. But they showed me it was possible to love and enjoy a place like Wichita, KS. Tony, Kelly, Andrew, Kristi, Lisa, Sr. Sophia Grace, Marianna, Bonny, and the rest of the Daisy House Crew loved me unconditionally and provided community for me at a time in my life I so desperately needed it. They continue to be constants for me and have welcomed my wife into their lives with open arms as well. They are the people we will raise our children around and share our day to day lives with.

The Denver Crew: I was only in Denver for two years and was a grad student with two part time jobs so friendships were tougher to build but five friendships in particular stick out here. The first is Dave. Dave and I were roommates and going through similar struggles at the time we lived together. We were also both thinkers and over-analyzers, not to mention both enjoyed drinking scotch. This lead to many late night conversations. The second and third are friendships that started in Steubenville but were more of acquaintances there, Hugh and Fr. Kevin. I worked for Fr. Kevin so we go to know each other well through late nights of Makers Mark at the Rectory and at St. Malo's for Totus Tuus training. Hugh moved to Denver shortly after I did with his family and we spent many a late night enjoying beer and good conversation. The next has probably become one of my all time closest friends, Steve. Steve and I met through Totus Tuus training. Over the next year we spent a lot of time enjoying great conversations over beer and whiskey. He ended up being there for me and around for my entire relationship with Mary Beth. He was there with the newness of the relationship, through the struggles and joys, and was there to celebrate with me when we got engaged. Steve ended up being a groomsman and is going to be the godfather of our child. Lastly there is Steve's brother, Fr. John. He, like Steve, was around to see my relationship with Mary Beth Blossom. He welcomed me into their community of friends and made an effort o bring me in and make me feel welcome in Denver. We shared many a good conversation over whiskey as well. These men all provided me with community and support during those years of being a student when I was away from family and friends.

It probably sounds crazy that I would be able to stay in touch with this many people. It honestly amazes me as well but I think it is a special gift and grace God has given me in my life. I think it is because I experience Christ through these friendships. The reason I try to stay in touch with all of these people is because all of them have strengthened my faith. Every one of them has piece of me that has profoundly affected who I am. When I pray I pray for them. When I have opportunities I go see them. When I have time I call them. I am a better man for having every one of these friendships in my life. This then naturally translates into my prayer life. I think that because I have this perception of friendship and I see Jesus not only as a friend, but my best friend I try and spend time with Him by praying and going to mass as often as possible. If I put that much effort into earthly friendships, how much more effort do I need to put in when it comes to my friendship with Christ? I cannot wait for the day we are all in Heaven together, adoring the one who brought us together.

Truth and Society

2011-12-03T09:43:00.004-07:00

I love being a teacher. I have taught a variety of things throughout my time but by far my favorite thing to teach is Catholic Social Teaching. I love this subject for many reasons. I love it because it is so relevant. It gives me the opportunity to talk about and apply Church principles to many of our modern day problems. I love it because it is controversial and it ticks people off when they hear the truth that it proclaims. I love it because it fires me up. I love it because it is one of the most misunderstood and misinterpreted teachings of the Church. I love it because so many people take it out of context and use it to justify their liberal and immoral agenda. It sounds strange that I would love it for that reason but I do. It allows me to really enter into dialogue and conversation with someone about the faith as it applies to modern day problems.

First of all, I find it a little odd that we have a completely separate section of Theology called Catholic Social Teaching. In some ways I get it, it is a practical way of catechizing people in our modern world. But when it boils down to it Catholic Social Teaching is simply the application of the gospel message to society. If we know Jesus and what the Church teaches then Catholic Social Teaching should come as no surprise to us. Every principle that is laid out is rooted in the teachings of Christ and the Old Testament Prophets. It seems that often times groups within the Church that are more "liberal" use the fact that we have a separate section called Catholic Social Teaching to justify actions that go in contradiction to the teachings of Christ by taking those teachings out of context. The more "conservatives" use it as an excuse to not learn about Social Teaching because in their minds it is a "liberal" thing and therefore good Catholics don't really have to know about it. For example, have you ever heard someone say, "Oh that group is only about social justice”? Well actually all Catholics are about Social Justice. It is the "only" part that we have to be concerned about. Actually there is no way to "only" be concerned with social justice. If you are not a disciple of Christ it is not possible to live the social teaching of the Church.

Secondly, as a Church WE ARE NOT social workers. Mother Teresa was NOT a social worker. We are first and foremost followers of Jesus. If Jesus is not a real person that we engage in conversation and relationship with every day then we cannot live social teaching effectively. There is a reason Mother Teresa and the missionaries of charity sit in front of the blessed Sacrament every single day for at least an hour and went to mass along with that before they even set foot on the streets of Calcutta to help the poor. This may sound crazy but unlike the rest of the secular world the reason we are called to help the poor and those that are needy and marginalized in our world is not simply because we feel sorry for them or to make ourselves feel better. The reasons we are called to help the less fortunate is simply because Jesus asks us to. Well why does Jesus ask us to? So that we can draw their attention away from their earthly needs so that they can pay attention to their spiritual needs. When a person has their physical needs taken care of they can then be more free to pay attention to their spiritual needs. We are called to live by the Eschatological Principle. This means that we live in this world for the sake of the next! Our goal is Heaven!

Therefore ultimately the social teaching of the Church is about recognizing the dignity of every single human person and drawing them into communion with Christ so that we can all journey to Heaven together. That means that above all the most important thing we have to fight for is the right to life. If we do not have the right to life we don't have anything. If life is not protected at its earliest stages then it is a hypocrisy to be concerned with the poor on the streets. Do you want an answer to the economic crisis in this country? Start having children! Reach out to women who are in crisis pregnancy situations! Defend the Family! Educate people in chastity and natural family planning! Fight against the contraceptive mentality in our culture! That is social justice! Think about it. If we secure the family and make more babies then we have more people in our country who will spend more money and stimulate the economy. The effects of abortion in our country and in the world are coming to fruition. There are more elderly in the world than young people. Our population is depleting. There IS NOT an overpopulation problem. That is a LIE!

According to John XXIII the individual person is the foundation, cause and end of all social institutions; therefore all societies and institutions must be at the service of the person. This is not the case in our society. Financial figures, technology, and economic progress are primary. Wake up people, all those things our world is worried about will improve if we prioritize and start caring about Human life! For some the Environmental crisis is the issue they want to see addressed. Well read Caritas in Veritatae by Benedict XVI. In that encyclical he clearly states that of course there is an environmental crisis, how could there not be when we don't care about Human Life. How are people going to be concerned with taking care of trees and the environment when they aren't concerned with defending human life in all its stages?

In the end Catholic Social Teaching is not simply about serving at a soup kitchen or protesting outside an abortion clinic. It is about defending and loving Human life in all its stages and the only way to truly understand what that means is by entering into relationship with Christ. He can reveal to us how loved we are and how loved every single soul ever created is! If we want to understand catholic social teaching we must begin by entering into relationship with Christ. Then we should enter into the dialogue by actually reading what the Church has to say in its entirety. We cannot make our own assumptions. We must not take things out of context. We have to be open to where Christ is leading us. We may find ourselves taking some more "conservative" positions on things if we have labeled ourselves as liberal or we may find ourselves taking some more "liberal" positions on things if we have labeled ourselves as conservative. This might be difficult to swallow but remember our job is to be CATHOLIC and the Church is neither democrat nor republican! Sometimes we make the mistake of being more democrat or more republican than Catholic. If we want to start changing this world for the better we as Catholics have to take the lead on this and stop associating ourselves with parties and start preaching the truth regardless of which party line the truth falls under. When the reign of the truth is brought about through charity only then will justice prevail!

The Aim of Catechesis is Understanding and CONVERSION!

2011-10-29T10:54:00.004-06:00

So I guess I basically fail at this blogging twice a month thing. That lasted for a month. Oh well. I guess better late than never on this one.

I LOVE working with teenagers! Nothing brings more joy to my life than being on the front lines of the New Evangelization and engaging youth. I love the subjects I teach. I love the kids I teach. I love the school I teach at. What I don’t love is how much harder it seems it has gotten to reach teenagers than it was when I first started teaching.

I don’t know what it is but even between the time I left teaching to get my Masters and coming back kids have changed. In many ways they are still the same. The distractions and priorities in their life have remained the same. However, their receptivity to the Gospel message has diminished. I don’t know if that is something only going on at the particular school I teach at or a phenomenon nationwide. Don’t get me wrong we still have some incredibly faithful and amazing kids but the general population has become much more apathetic to the gospel than they were before.

I’m not sure exactly what to do. This has been consuming my prayer life lately: “How can I be a more effective evangelizer as a teacher? How can God use me to light the fire of faith in my students?” There is such apathy here. I want my students to fall madly, deeply, and passionately in love with Jesus Christ. A few weeks ago we had a chastity speaker here. The Chastity speaker at the end of her talk mentioned that when she asked young people in their 20’s who had waited to have sex until they got married what made them wait they all responded that it was because their faith was real to them. She hit the nail on the head. My students were all asking me what I thought of the talk and why we have one every year and yet we still have so many problems with chastity. Well the answer is just that: the faith is not real to them! I told them that our school does not need more chastity talks, they need Jesus! Until we come to have an intimate relationship with Christ none of the morality stuff, doctrine, or prayers we say as a class will mean absolutely anything.

I’m making it my mission to start fighting for the opportunities my students need to experience conversion! I'm making it my goal to introduce every kid I come into contact with to Jesus Christ. Too many of my students have been in Catholic School their entire lives and I find it amazing that the reality of the fact that Jesus loves them passionately and wants them to be happy has not sunk in! I’ve become so caught up in the intellectual stuff and content of the faith that I hardly leave time to stop and reflect on that content. Don’t get me wrong the content is important. They need substance. God knows we’ve gone through too many years of bad Catechesis in our country and focused entirely too much on experience. However, that is where teens are today. They let their emotions and experiences rule them. We have to meet them there and then bring them to the content. I love the intellectual wealth of the Catholic Church but it wouldn’t mean a darn thing if I didn’t first meet and encounter the person of Jesus.

It is time for a change at Bishop Carroll Catholic High School. I don’t think it will happen overnight. It will be a slow process but I am going to refocus my techniques on introducing students to Christ first and the content second or even better Christ through the content. I need to take more time to step back from the content and allow them time to reflect on it. I don’t know what that is going to look like yet but please pray for me and if you are a fellow teacher or youth minister ideas are welcome!

“The definitive aim of Catechesis is to put people not only in touch, but in communion, in intimacy with Christ, only he can lead us to the love of the Father in the Spirit and make us share in the divine life of the Holy Trinity” – Bl. John Paul II in CT 5

If you can't tell I'm fired up. In education we get so caught up in this idea of "No Child Left behind" and making sure every student "meets standard". We get so caught up in test scores and making sure they "perform" well on a test that we forget that we are dealing with souls! It does not matter how much kids know if the content is not TRANSFORMING their lives and leading them to bring others to the love of Christ. Understanding means NOTHING without conversion. I am blessed to teach in a diocese where the content is never compromised but it is time to take that content and make it pierce the heart of the kids we teach. It does not matter if they pass a test or answer correctly on a survey if they are not falling madly and passionatel in love with Jesus Christ and then taking that love and sharing it with others. If we are not forming our kids into disciples then what is the point of the content? Our students know so much about the faith that if we give them opportunities for conversion it will sink in so much more deeply than in the average teen that they will be a force to be reckoned with in this world. It is time for a revolution! Souls are on the line! Will you join in the battle for souls?

The Greatest of These is Love

2011-09-13T16:55:00.003-06:00

What a crazy adventure the last month and a half has been. Through it all the biggest things that stick out in my mind are hope and love. It has been a world wind of emotions and excitement. Through it all though I can’t help but reflect on Christ’s enduring promises and love.

August brought the beginning of school. Every year is a new beginning. Every year brings new challenges and adventures. This year we have been blessed with a pretty incredible new chaplain, Fr. Ben Sawyer. I cannot tell you how blessed I am to be working with him and have him join us at Carroll. He is young, energetic, laid back, funny, and full of love and zeal for the faith. I can see the kids are already warming up to him quite well. I am teaching Catholic Social Teaching and Faith and Reason again. It is really great getting to have the students who are seniors for a second round and getting to know the new juniors has been great. They are a really great and talented bunch. Every year I am reminded of how much I am called to love the students that enter my classroom. While many of them are easy to love some are not so easy and so I begin everyday with a prayer asking God for the grace to love my students more that day than I did the day before. Teaching the youth also gives me hope. While there are many who struggle and have some serious issues and struggles I also have quite a few who are incredibly bright, talented, and faithful. The seniors especially give me great confidence that they will be great lights and examples at whatever University they end up at.

With the beginning of the school year also came the exciting news that Mary Beth and I are expecting our first child! I couldn’t be more thrilled about this. But somehow I don’t think it has really become a reality for me yet. Aside from Mary Beth dealing with “morning” sickness all the time not much has really changed…yet! I don’t think I’ve ever experienced anything quite like this before. It is just this weird abstract reality rather than a concrete one yet. In my head I know my life is going to drastically change but I don’t think I can quite grasp this yet and probably won’t until I’m holding that baby in my arms. Regardless my prayer everyday is that God would continue to form me into a good husband and make me into the loving father my kid needs. Once again I am brought to reflect on the reality of the love of God that brought Mary Beth into my life, and the love I have for Mary Beth that has brought forth this other life that is growing within her womb. Love can do powerful things. And of course there is the hope and anticipation of all that life has in store for us as we continue our journey together now as parents. This is such a gift and my heart is profoundly grateful for this opportunity. I just HOPE that I can LOVE this child enough that he or she may encounter the love of Christ through me in this life and so seek to build God’s Kingdom on this earth and so strive for the glory of eternal life in Heaven.

This brings me to the last big event of the last few weeks: My brother’s wedding in Illinois. For the first time in 10 years my entire side of my dad’s finally minus a few cousins was together. My mom’s side of the family was almost all there. It was an amazing weekend filled with love and family. There were moments that were hard for me however. It was tough not to have my brother married in the Catholic Church. On the one hand I actually respect him for not making a joke of the sacrament and getting married in the Church even when he doesn’t believe but its hard to not be able to share the most important thing in my life in common with him anymore. It is also tough knowing that so many of my family members no longer believe or practice the Catholic Faith. But I will say this there was so much love present at that wedding that whether my brother believes it or not God was present. He was in that room. While in many ways there is little agreement about faith and Catholicism with my family the common ground that is there is love and I know that when it comes down to it everyone of them in some way reflect the unconditional love of Christ to me and to each other. I think one of the big things that can be said about my family is that they love passionately. My heart overflowed with joy many times throughout the weekend at seeing my family interact with one another and at the sight of my brother’s happiness on his big day. All of this far outweighed feelings of sadness or frustration over not being able to share my faith with my family. I will say that anytime those feelings emerged I was quickly drawn to focus on the hope that Christ offers. There is hope that they will all come home one day. I know many of them including my brother think that there is no way that will ever happen. But they have no idea what they are up against. As I heard said in a talk by Abby Johnson, “We believe in a God who is in the business of miracles!” And that is some pretty powerful amazing stuff. No matter how far some of my family members stray the fact that they get the essential feature of Christianity, which is love, gives me hope beyond all hope that God is still working in their lives in ways they can’t even begin to imagine or admit. I love them so much that I want them to see the absolute fullness of truth that is found in the Catholic Faith and I know that Christ will answer that prayer. However my love for them will never be contingent on whether that happens or not. I may not ever get to fully see it or it may not happen until many of them are close to death but I can say that I have great hope that it will happen. I gave up trying to change my family by preaching to them a long time ago because that simply won’t work. But I do know that God is in control of this one and there is tremendous peace in knowing, that as witnessed by my brother’s wedding, whether my family knows it or not the love and power of God is present and working in their lives!

I pray that love maybe the driving force in my life as I minister to my students, interact with my family and get ready to bring a child into this world and through that may I always have hope in the promises Christ has given us.

Be Perfect As Your Heavenly Father is Perfect

2011-08-25T14:30:00.002-06:00

How do you read this verse from Matthew? What does it truly mean? I think this verse is either often ignored completely or taken so literally that it causes people to forget that life can be fun and enjoyable.

The first tendency is to completely ignore it. I tend to see this attitude especially with teens. It is also the typically the mainstream attitude. Most people think that if they simply don't sin and mainly stay away from mortal sin they are good to go. If I obey the 10 commandments and am a nice person then I'm fine and don't have anything to worry about right? Actually not sinning is the absolute bare minimum we as Christians are called to! We aren't simply called to just not sin we are called to virtue! We are called to holiness! Overcoming mortal sin is actually the easier of these two steps. Once we have control of the more serious sins in our life we actually now have to work at being virtuous and not just choosing good things but choosing the greatest goods. I know I'm not there yet. I'm trying but for example what is a better choice, reading a good spiritual book or watching a crappy movie? Most of us probably choose the movie. While watching the movie may not in itself be sinful, choosing the reading is the GREATER good (especially when I haven’t taken any time our for prayer that day yet). We cannot ignore this verse. Yes we may not ever truly achieve perfection in this life but we must strive for it, and perfection is not attained simply by not sinning but by striving for virtue and holiness.

The second tendency I notice is to interpret this verse in a way that leads to scrupulosity. We become so caught up in trying to be Holy that we forget to try and be human. This tendency seems to cause us to think everything is a sin and can cause us to be judgmental of others. This can also lead to pride and self-righteousness. This is not healthy. I refer to people in this category as PODs (Pious and Overly Devotional). I tend to see this especially among young people in the early stages of conversion who in an attempt to not fall back into old habits decide that every activity that doesn’t mention Jesus’ name is sinful.

So how do we reconcile these two views? How can we live this verse? I think the key is in living a BALANCED life. We have to make time not only for prayer and devotion but for our families, exercise, friendship, and reading (this includes academic, spiritual and leisurely). Being scrupulous is just as bad as just scrapping by through life doing the bare minimum to avoid sin. We have to live lives that are radically other. This is going to involve living lives that seek virtue and holiness while at the same time soak in the joys and pleasures of this world in a way that we don't overindulge and avoid sinful actions. For example G.K. Chesterton said one of the greatest joys of this life was a cigar with a pint of beer and good conversation (I’m paraphrasing here but its pretty darn close to what he said). This is the balance I attempt to strike. I don't think I've quite fully figured it out but with each passing day, month, and year hopefully I'm getting a little bit closer. What are your thoughts on this?

Give Thanks With a Grateful Heart

2011-08-11T19:46:00.006-06:00

It is that time of year again. Time for new students, the first all-school mass, BC football games, fantasy football, the feeling of being refreshed form a summer of vacationing and relaxing, and the feeling like I am ready to engage in a serious battle for souls. I LOVE the start of the school year. The fall semester is always a time of new beginnings and there is an excitement in the air to see what God is going to do and accomplish through me and all His other humble servants at Bishop Carroll this year.

The one thing that runs through my mind as this school year starts is gratitude. I am thankful for my beautiful wife and the fact that we have celebrated one year of marriage. I am thankful for the amazing amount of support that exists in my life through my family, my friends, and the Knights of the Holy Queen. I am thankful for my job and the Bishop Carroll Community, especially at a time where so many people I know are without one. I am thankful for Fr. Ben and blessing he will be. God has truly blessed us with an amazing chaplain this year. I am thankful for the opportunity to teach and preach God's word every single day. I could not imagine doing anything else at this point in my life. Getting the opportunity to be on the front lines of God's battlefield by bringing the souls of young people to Christ is truly one of the greatest joys I have in my life.

I think that so often we look at all the negative in our lives without focusing on all the amazing gifts God is showering upon us daily. God has called us into this life and everyday has to be seen as a gift. If we don't start there we are not going to be able to evangelize anyone. If we cannot bear witness to the good things God gives us how can we bring people to Him? Complaining about the negatives in life has always been a struggle of mine and I have just really been reflecting over the last several months about how I truly have nothing to complain about. In the grand scheme of things the struggles and difficulties I encounter throughout my life are so minimal compared to what some people deal with that it really is almost sinful of me to complain about anything. I want to make a serious effort over this next year to root this out of my life. I need to look at those minor challenges and annoyances as opportunities to recognize the good things God has done in my life and ask Him what He is trying to teach me in those circumstances.

Everyday is a gift. Every moment is a chance to see the beauty of God and to enter into the drama of creation. We are called to engage this life with joy and passion. "The Glory of God is man fully alive!" said St. Irenaeus, and man fully alive is man experiencing and embracing EVERYTHING about life and giving glory to his creator for letting him experience it! Too many people have a negative outlook on life and if we live as Disciples of Christ with an attitude of gratitude then we are going to change and affect the world. Thankfulness is what will lead us and propel us to help and love those who need it. Thankfulness will draw us into the heart of our Father so that we may worship Him. The very heart of our worship is the Eucharist and Eucharist literally means thank offering!

How beautiful are your ways O God even when we don't understand them. How beautiful are your ways O God even when they cause suffering and frustration. How beautiful are your ways O God that allow us to experience this life and all that it brings!

I begin the new school year a week from today. I pray that God would use me to affect and change the lives of my students. I pray that when they see me they see Christ and when I look at them I may see Christ in them. I pray that I would lead them and be an example of someone with a grateful heart!

My Return to Blogland: God is For Real!

2011-07-26T16:27:00.007-06:00

I have not blogged in a very long time. This is dumb. I like blogging, writing, ranting, reflecting, etc. So I've decided it is time to return to such things in my life. Beginning with this post y'all can expect at least one post every two weeks and hopefully a post once a week. I've changed the backdrop of the blog, updated the picture and now I'm writing the first installment of Gonzo's return to his rants and reflections. I've decided that to begin my return to blog space I will begin with more of a rant.

A few weeks ago Mary Beth and I had the incredible opportunity of spending two weeks in Peru. We got to spend time with my family as well as experience the amazing sites of Cuzco and Machupicchu. While the trip was awesome not really the point of my blog but feel free to check out pictures on Kodak Gallery:

http://www.kodakgallery.com/gallery/sharing/shareRedirectSwitchBoard.jsp?token=623792332214%3A25162627

http://www.kodakgallery.com/gallery/sharing/shareRedirectSwitchBoard.jsp?token=723792332214%3A811242331

http://www.kodakgallery.com/gallery/sharing/shareRedirectSwitchBoard.jsp?token=823792332214%3A1988033425

The real point of this blog is the book I began reading on the way to Peru. I started reading a book called THE GOD DELUSION by Richard Dawkins. While it could be frowned upon to comment on a book until one is done reading the whole thing I can't help but do so at this point. I may write more once I am finished with it but for now here are some of my thoughts.

First of all I think trying to argue with an Atheist is almost pointless. What we need to do at this point as Christians is begin praying for God to work some miracles in the lives of the people in this movement. The reason it is pointless is because many of them are angry and have such a completely different worldview. I think intelligent conversations and dialogue can be had with some of them but many of them are very stubborn and not open to dialogue on the issue (just watch EXPELLED: NO INTELLIGENCE ALLOWED for an example of this). To begin with the thing I notice about Dawkins is he is angry. The guy has some serious wounds. The way he goes after and attacks Christianity in a very bitter and nasty way instantly begins to discredit the guy. The one thing the guy has going for him is that as Revelation states that it is better to be hot or cold than lukewarm lest God spew you out of his mouth, this guys is anything but lukewarm. He is down right cold. And that at least makes him ripe for conversion :).

The second big thing I note is that we as Christians need to be reading this and reading any sort of books that refute it. We need to not only be reading books that refute this but any sort of books dealing with apologetics, Philosophy, History etc. The common man, heck the common Christian is grossly uneducated and that is why millions of people are falling pray to the absolute nonsense written by Dawkins and the other militant New Atheists out there. People are buying into what Dawkins is saying because we live in a world where people have not been taught to REALLY and TRULY think. Therefore we have a lot of really intelligent stupid people out there. Dawkins is a classic intellectual idiot. He knows some stuff about science, is well read, and therefore thinks he can understand the universe, how it works, and comes to the absurd conclusion that God does not exist. The entire premise of a book written by Frank Sheed called THEOLOGY AND SANITY is that to live an existence where we view the world as if God did not exist is to live with a skewed perception of reality. What do we call people who do not live reality? Insane! We as Christians cannot afford to be insane. We cannot afford to be uneducated. The world is going to throw everything it can at us and the only way to fight against it is to train ourselves intellectually. So many people are unaware of the incredible intellectual treasures the Church has. Start reading!

This next critique I have ties into the point above. Just as the average Christian is grossly uneducated so is Dawkins. The man is a Scientist with no formal training in Philosophy and he goes after St. Thomas Aquinas. Really? I mean really? If you haven't studied Philosophy you have absolutely no place critiquing Aquinas. Aquinas is a respected Philosopher even in secular circles people! His chapter refuting the five proofs is laughable. If you know Aquinas, Theology, and Philosophy please read that chapter and you will have yourself a good laugh (or a good cry at the fact that there are actually people out there who are buying into his garbage). He also makes a statistical claim that most intelligent people and Scientists are Atheist. Well Dawkins that is a very faulty argument when most of those people have not read both sides of the issues and have not truly been informed on what good Philosophy and Theology are. Also some of the smartest scientific people I know are also some of the most faithful Catholics I know. What do you say to that? Really all Dawkins is arguing on is semantics and not logical, clear, and philosophical reasoning.

Evil is real. God is real. And when we fail to recognize God's existence Evil begins to subtly win but hey if you don't believe in God how can you believe in evil? It is truly sad to me that people are buying into the things Dawkins, Hitches and others are writing. Faith is a gift and some may not have been given it but have those people really sought after it? Have those people who have bought into Dawkins and others really, I mean really read some of the great treasures of Philosophy and Theology and then actually reflected on them? I doubt it. Maybe Dawkins had and grossly misunderstood those works but his average readers have not. And this is why he and others are so dangerous. They are really and truly poisoning our society and sugar coating it as they are simply revealing to people the truth they deserve. It is time to tell our story as it is meant to be told. It is time to be true witnesses and martyrs for our faith. It is time to be radical examples of love. It is time to educate ourselves in truth and then go out and proclaim that truth in love. We live in a world full of insane people who think they are perfectly sane and that my friends is the answer to why we live in the political and economic climate that we live in. Until we recognize that God is For real we will continue to live in a delusion and none of our problems will ever be fixed. This is the real delusion! May God have mercy on Richard Dawkins and all those who choose to believe his writings.

A Call to Live

2011-02-28T22:00:00.003-07:00

Who am I? I am a man, I am a husband, I am a friend, I am a son, I am a brother, but most important of all I am a Catholic. Being Catholic is something I can honestly say has been something that defines my very being and existence. Not in the sense that it is my Religion, but it in the sense that it is the vehicle that drives me into relationship with Christ. Jesus Christ is the very source of my existence. I am nothing without Him. Every struggle, successes, failure, and joy I have is seen in light of my relationship with Him. Everything that happens in my life is call from Him to engage some aspect of my relationship with Him.

I've been reading a book by Fr. Jaques Philippe called "Called to Life." The book focuses on God's call in our lives, primarily the call to exist as human persons. This book is so simple yet so profound. In reading this book during my prayer time it has caused me to contemplate on the beautiful gift of life God has given me and that everything that occurs in our lives comes with grace and an invitation to love God more deeply through our experiences. Philippe writes, "Openness to the call is openness to the fullness of life. Not only natural, physical, emotional, and intellectual life, but also the life realized through relationships, love, communion and, ultimately through participation in divine, supernatural life. Every call is a call to love more and find fulfillment by participating in the purity and ardor of divine love." Every experience we have is a calling to enter into this relationship.

Philippe goes on to say that every trial in our lives is a call to faith. Do we believe God is there? Do we rely on his mercy and grace? Every trial is also a call to Hope. In whom do we place our trust during these times? Do we expect to get through it on our own? Trials are also tests of love, especially in our relationships. Do we choose to love even when it hurts or is difficult? When the good times come these are invitations to be thankful and receive the gifts in their fullness Philippe tells us.

I've really been meditating on these things over the past few weeks. They really hit me in a powerful way. To be in relationship with Christ is to bring Him into everything; the joys and the struggles. The world tells us to run from our sufferings and failures. Christ tells us to embrace them and come to encounter Him more deeply through them. It is by doing this that we will experience life to its fullest. In allowing ourselves to experience these little deaths and sufferings and our lives we will become more alive. Through our sufferings we conform ourselves more and more to the one who gives us life and are able to experience joy more fully. Our goal should be to one day say with St. Paul, "I have been crucified with Christ and life I now live is no longer my own but Christ who lives in me."

I feel as if Christ is blessing me with incredible graces. I want nothing more than to live life fully in Him. Every relationship and friendship I have experienced has been Christ showing me his face on this earth. Every struggle and difficulty I have had to overcome has made me the man I am and brought me to where I am today. Every joy small, and large, has been a manifestation of God's glory in my life. As St. Irenaeus said, "The Glory of God is man fully alive." We become fully alive in accepting EVERYTHING that comes our way and asking God not "why is this happening?" but "what are you calling me to through this situation?"

To all my wife, friends, and family: Everything I have experienced with you, the good, the great, the bad and the ugly, has been an experience from God to bring us closer through trials and joys. You have been His instrument in helping me live His call to live! Let us continue to live life to its fullest so that one day we may behold His face. Let us strive to arrive at the Heavenly Banquet where we will truly live there the way God intended us to live for all eternity!

2010 In Review

2011-01-03T06:27:00.003-07:00

It's time for the top 10 Best and Worst of 2010. Overall this really was an incredible year. The Best Greatly outweighs the worst.

Top 10 Worst

10. Having my Driver Side window on my car smashed in and discovering it at 5:00a.m. on my way to the gym one morning.

9. Engagement. It sucks, don't do it unless its 6 months or less. The beginning of 2010 marked 7 months of being engaged and 6 more to go.

8. House hunting. Owning a house is great, but going through the process of trying to find one was awful.

7. My car breaking down in the middle of nowhere Colorado on our way home over Labor Day Weekend.

6. Having to drop lots of money on car repairs.

5. Stripping our house of wallpapper.

4. Gaining some weight back

3. Not having my cousin Fernando at our wedding.

2. Although not all of them or even most of them but having to deal with more than my usual number of apathetic students. In other words a growing sense of apathy an entitlement among my students.

1. David's death and having to watch my students suffer through that.

So you see aside from number 1 I can honestly say that the other 9 were really not so horrible just the worst in an amazing year.

10 Best

10. Our Trip to Denver for Ashley and Alex's Wedding.

9. Buying our first home! As awful as the hunt was and then having to deal with stripping the wallpaper in the end it was all worth it! We love our little home!

8. My Bachelor Party in New Orleans

7. Our Trip to Texas for Erin and Ryan's Wedding

6. Our Trip to Illinois for the second wedding reception my parents had for us

5. Sitting on the back deck of Andrew's house hanging out with Fr. Kevin, Chris, Tony, Guy, Steve, and Blake two nights before the wedding having a mini bachelor party.

4. Our Trip to Denver for Jackie's wedding and Thanksgiving.

3. My parents coming to visit us for a weekend in November and getting to spend some good quality time with them.

2. Honeymoon in Aruba.

1. Our Wedding Day. This day and the week leading up to it is full of so many amazing moments that I should honestly do a Top 10 list of my favorite moments just from that week and day. We are so blessed!

As 2011 begins we look forward to our first full year of being married and are excited to see what God has in store for us. Goodbye 2010, hello 2011!

Glory Hidden in Simplicity

2010-12-23T19:20:00.002-07:00

I just stumbled upon this old blog of mine tonight as I sit here at my in laws ignoring the movie playing in the background. Wow! It has been a freaking long time since I blogged and I really need to get back into it. I really miss it in a lot of ways. Blogging has been a great outlet for me in the past and honestly I just really enjoy writing. I guess other things in life have taken priority. Not that this is a bad thing its just been different. I'm hoping maybe I can get back into it in the coming year.

Life has been simple and uneventful the last few months and I love it. After a year of being engaged, planning a wedding, and helping my now wife get adjusted to Wichita it is nice to feel some smidgen of normalcy. The wedding was incredible. The Honeymoon was wonderful. We love our house and the day to day of married life is peaceful. We enjoy the simple time and days with each other and with friends. Essentially it is life simply lived. Not too much drama, not too much excitement, just the simplicity of existence. I continue to love my job at Bishop Carroll. Teaching continues to be something that breathes life into me every day. Mary Beth has been substitute teaching almost every day at Bishop Carroll also. I love getting to see her beautiful face there. We really are enjoying wedded bliss at the moment in time but not on some huge over emotional level; rather on a simple and joyful level. I love that we get to cook for each other; I love that we enjoy quiet evenings on the couch watching movies or t.v; I love that we enjoy nights playing games and drinking a glass of wine; I love that we enjoy relaxing evenings with friends; I love that we go to mass and adoration together almost every day; Simply put I love that life is not exciting or stressful and that in itself is exciting.

I'm sitting in the warmth of Texas tonight anticipating the celebration of our first Christmas as a married couple. I miss my family and friends in Rockford terribly but I also love being here with my in-laws. Its weird but it feels just as comfortable being here as it does being in Rockford.

There is a simple joy in being sure of God's presence and grace in one's life. For me the surety comes from the sacraments, my students, my friends, my family, and most importantly the simple everyday living of the living out my vocation with the person God has destined me for. Life is by no means perfect. We have had our struggles in these first few months, but through the joys and struggles I can see that God, with my wife as His instrument and me as His instrument for her is leading us both to perfection and virtue. So as Christmas comes upon us and I look upon the simplicity of the manger I am reminded that it is in the simplicity that God's glory is revealed! Merry Christmas all!

Noone Owes You Anything!

2010-04-14T11:39:00.003-06:00

On Ash Wednesday Fr. Jarrod gave a homily on rejecting a sense of entightlement. I think most of my Freshmen slept during that homily.

I'm scared for the future of our world and fear the success of those I teach. I fear raising a child some day in this world. I'm discovering that the two biggest problems in our world and especially among our youth are Apathy and a Sense of entightlement. This is why the health care bill passed, this is why we are in an economic crisis, this is why Obama is our president and this why my Freshmen this semester have caused me so much frustration.

I am currently seeing the lowest grades amongst my freshmen than I have in the six years of my teaching career. I am experiencing the largest number of students that I have ever experienced refusing to do assignments and turn in work. On the last unit test I gave I had 70% of my Freshmen get a D or F on it. In previous years on that same test I had 70% of them get an A or a B on it. All I hear from them is complaining and that its too hard and when I ask them if they have done the reading or the study guides (mind you I give them a study guide with every question from the test on it) they say no. I actually had a girl tell me that she would read if the Bible was more entertaining, its just boring so she wasn't going to read it. I told her God wrote only one book and I wouldn't want to be her on judgement day when God asked her if she had read His book and she has to say no. Probably not the most charitable response but what can I say I was frustrated.

I'm trying my best to be loving and patient but I wonder what the most loving thing is sometimes. I think of the story where Jesus went into the temple and knocked tables over and drove the money changers out of the temple, or his harsh words to the Pharisees. These were harsh words but they were loving. I guess I'm reaching the Jesus knocking tables over phaze in the semester and I'm ready to go into the class room and over turn some desks!

Here is what I would like to tell my Freshmen:

Dear Freshmen,

Noone owes you anything. I'm not here to entertain you. I'm here to help you get to heaven and teach you the importance of scripture and the amazing story of how God saved us. If you don't find that exciting and entertaining then I feel sorry for you. I'm sorry you have to use your brains and that there is not a youtube, movie, or video game version of this available! I'm sorry that I can't effectively text you all this information! In Revelation it says that it is better for you to be hot or cold than lukewarm for if you are lukewarm God will spew you forth from his mouth! I hate to break it to all of you but most of you fall into this lukewarm category. I fear for your souls and success in life. You are some of the brightest students I've ever taught yet the laziest I've ever met! I've done everything I can to help you and convey the beauty and importance of the Old Testament and you have refused to put in any work on your part. You expect everything to be done for you and want the easy way out of everything. Well guess what I'm tiered of stressing out over it. I will continue with what I'm doing. If you want to join me great if not you may fail and I will let you. Have a nice life!

Sounds a little harsh huh? Well I don't know if that is the approach to take or not. All I know is that I am at my whitts end and want them so badly to see the importance of the Old Testament. I want them to care and actually put forth some effort. I don't know how to do that any more than I already have. I guess I'm just asking God for patience and perseverence at this point. It has become a battle of the wills and I'm resigning myself to the fact that I can't make them accept this message or work hard. It has to come from them.

The Spirit of the Soverign Lord is Upon Us

2010-03-11T07:29:00.004-07:00

Could you imagine if we could actually see the spiritual world mixed in with the physical world? Could you imagine being able to see our Gaurdian Angels at our side everyday? Could you imagine actually seeing all the Angels of God gathered around the alter at mass in worship of our Great King? Could you imagine seeing the demons around us that are fighting against the angels for our souls? Could you imagine clearly seeing Mary when we ask for her intercession? What if we actually lived as if the spiritual world was real and present among us?

There is a reality which so many of us fail to really grasp, even those of us that are devout Catholics. Do we really get the spiritual realities that are present every single day, be they good ones that lead us closer to God or evil ones that try to tempt us away from Him. This is something I have really been meditating on and asking for the Grace to more fully grasp over this past year. During my prayer time I seek to drink deeply of God's love and grace in the Eucharist so that I may constantly be aware of his presence at every moment of every day. Granted this is something that is not easy to do but I can honsetly tell you that one begins to really see the world differently when one begins to catch glimpses of the spiritual realities that are there.

When we begin to see the power of God in our lives and the reality of His presence in EVERYTHING the things that really matter seem to come into focus and the trivial matters of this world begin to fall by the wayside.

In the last year I have really started to see the Spiritual realm as a reality that is more real than the temporal earthly one we live in. This is not to say I'm not affected by the world and have achieved a state of perfection. No, I still sin, I still get caught up in the things of this world, but I can honsetly say that in a sense I have honestly almost felt a distinct presence of the spirit of God in my presence at many times throughout the day.

In less than four months I will blessed to enter into the Holy Sacrament of Matrimony. The last several months have been an incredible joy but also a struggle. We have had to fight our own selfish desires to live Chastity. By God's grace we have been succesful but for the first time I've truly understood what people have meant when they said enagement sucks. In those moments I have had serious moments where I have felt a touch of God's hand and the His still small voice encouraging us. In the past few months we have really learned a lot about communication and we continue to learn. We have learned to argue and work through dissagreements. At every moment when it has been hard I have felt an incredible outpouring of God's grace drawing us closer together through those moments. We have looked at a ton of houses, put five offers down and lost four. We saw some crap and been incredibly frustrated wondering if we would ever find something. Through that I felt God's hand and constant voice telling us to be patient and know that He was in control and would take care of us. We now have a house and will be closing on it on March 25th, the Solemnity of the Annunciation. Mary Beth will move in first to get things ready and then I will move in after the wedding in July. Throughout the days with my students I am aware of God's presence leading and guiding me in what to say, in helping me with patience and charity. I don't always respond to those movements as I should but there is a growing awarenece of this. I attribute all this to the constant growth in my prayer life. I live and breath by that silent time I get with my Lord daily. If we want to become aware of the Spiritual world, we MUST pray!

I have never felt so blessed in my life. I have an amazing job. I have a beautiful fiancee. I have a loving family and incredible friends. All these things are gifts from God that lead me to achieve and live what is most important: to strive for heaven and live in the awareness of God and the spiritual realities that exist to battle for our souls every single day!

Moving to the Rythms of Grace

2009-10-19T06:42:00.002-06:00

It has been a while since a post. Its been a lot tougher to blog since teaching started and the move back to Wichita. This one will be brief but it will be at least something for now.

Life has been a total gift these days. I truly feel, as the Matt Maher Song Says, that I'm moving to the rythms of God's grace. Every day is a new challange, a new adventure, a new joy. I feel as if I am experience Christ in a new way everyday, be that through my students, my fellow teachers, and through both the joys and struggles Mary Beth and I are experiencing. For the first time in a long time I feel like God is in control. I have learned to surrender a little more each day and allow God to take the reigns in a way I never have before. Of course there is always room for improvement, however I am more aware of God's hand acting in my life more than I ever have been.

I have been seeing the fruit of God's work in my life a lot lately. The first fruit I've been experiencing is the fruit of a prayer life that really began to take shape early last semester. Through taking the time to spend at least 20-30 minutes in silent mediation every single day I have encountered a peace and an awareness of God's presence that have allowed me to have this attitude of surrender. Another fruit is the fact that I have been blessed with the opportunity to run into several former students and see how awesomely God is working in their lives. Even the ones who have not had full on conversions are growing up and really taking their lives and studies very seriously. The final and most amazing fruit is my relationship with Mary Beth. She is challenging me to grow so much. She truly makes me desire sainthood in a way I never have before. She motivates me to keep my prayer life and desire for Holiness going because she not only makes me want to get to heaven but I want to see her in heaven and I know that if I want to be a good husband to her some day soon and eventually a good Father to our children I have to strive for holiness now more than ever.

That's all for now. Hopefully I will write more soon. May God continued to be glorified in all our prayers and works!

Life in Wichita: Round 2

2009-09-06T16:48:00.002-06:00

I am about to begin week 4 of teaching. Life really never seems to slow down. It has been one month and two days since the move back to Wichita. In many ways it seems like I never left and I have been able to slip right back into life here. But in other ways I know life is radically different than it was three years ago. I have a beautiful fiancée who I am planning a wedding with. I am trying to help Mary Beth adjust to life here. She has given up so much to move here and for that I am forever grateful. In many ways I can see she loves it but I also know she is struggling and having a tough time with the transition. I have a Masters degree now. I am so grateful for the knowledge I received at the AI and I truly feel like it is making me a better teacher.

I remember my first night back here. I had just left the Brandt’s from helping Mary Beth unload her stuff. I was in my new room surrounded by a sea of boxes. I couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of joy to be back but at the same time a deep sense of loss for the life I left behind in Denver. There is no way this transition would be nearly as easy without Mary Beth. But nonetheless even when change comes and I want it there always seems to be some sense of loss that comes with it.

At the same time I know this is where God wants us for now. I have the best job in the world. Nothing brings me greater joy than sharing Christ in the classroom and nothing brings me greater joy than to do it at Bishop Carroll. It is an amazing school with incredible students and an administration that I am proud to work for. In many ways things haven’t changed much around Carroll, same students just different faces, same schedule and routine. But in other ways there is a new and exciting adventure with it. A whole new wing of the building has been added. There is a brand new activities complex. The new gym is beautiful and is a testament to the amazing generosity and stewardship way of life that the people of this diocese have embraced. It is actually kind of nice to be teaching a whole new set of students I have never taught before. I get so excited to wake up every morning and go teach. It is so humbling to be given the opportunity to be able to have the opportunity to share the Gospel with young souls. I gave a test earlier this week and as I walked around the room I paused for a moment and looked around the room. I remember being in awe of God’s plan for my life and being so thankful for every student in the room. I asked God to bless them and guide them as they took their test. I don’t think I’ve ever had this strong a desire for every student of mine to get to Heaven.

I didn’t realize how much my experience in Denver had changed me until I started teaching again. Don’t get me wrong I still had a desire for the salvation of my students before and still tried very hard to love them and teach them to the best of my ability but something in me is different and it is hard to explain. I feel settled. I feel at peace. I feel more patient and loving. I feel more in love with my subject. I feel more connected to Christ in prayer. I feel the flame of Faith burning brighter than it ever has in me. I just pray God continues to use me in the way He sees fit.

Life has fallen into a routine around here. The alarm goes off at 4:50 a.m. I go work out at the Y then I go teach for the day. Then I meet Mary Beth for 5:30 p.m. mass after work. Then we spend some time in Adoration followed by dinner. Then we spend some time either just hanging out or doing wedding planning. It in many ways seems uneventful and ordinary but when I know it is exactly what God wants me to be doing it is far from uneventful it is an adventure that I am thrilled to be on. Every moment of saying yes to my King and cooperating with His grace even in those moments that I really didn’t want to has brought me to here and here is exactly where I am happy to be, because here is God’s plan and that is way better than anything I would have been able to come up with. From here the journey continues and I am excited for what He will continue to do and show me throughout this year and the rest of my life!

Praise God from whom all Blessings Flow!

Brother to Brother

2009-07-28T10:41:00.003-06:00

Over the past week one of my Household brothers from Steubenville has been posting old videos from our time there on youtube. It has been so cool to watch those. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. These moments captured on video have brought me laughter, joy, tears, and profound thanksgiving. To watch these videos brought me back to such a formative time in my life. My time in Steubenville, specifically with the Knights of the Holy Queen, has profoundly affected who I am. My brothers there have left a profound mark on my soul. These guys have seriously been and continue to be some of my best friends. We are separated by hundreds and even thousands of miles today but the brotherhood continues. We have an e-mail list that results in 30-40 e-mails sometimes throughout the day. Some of them are completely hilarious and stupid, some of them consist of vents and rants, and others are profound and draw me into deeper prayer. These guys continue to challenge me to grow and continue to be a source of joy and inspiration. They help me to laugh and love life so much.

For so many of my friends and family that didn't go to Steubenville they don't quite get or understand the bond that is formed between us. A lot of my friends ask how it is that I'm still so close to some of my friends from College. All I know is that Mary has made us brothers and Christ binds us in a way I can't quite explain. I know that if I fall these men will be the first to pick me up. I know that I will drop anything to be there for any one of them. 7 years out of college and I have literally kept in touch with some of these guys over the phone every week for the last seven years. Three of these men are going to be groomsmen in my wedding. Several others will be present to celebrate with me. All I know is that these men are truly my extended family. I would not be the man I am today without them.

The relationship I have with these guys is always a constant reminder that I cannot live the Christian life without help. We are created for relationship. To think that we can battle this world and the enemy on our own is to have lost already. We need community. We need people who will call us out on our failings and challenge us to be better. We need people who are there praying for us and encouraging us along the way. I know in my own life I have had some tough times and fallen hard. I don't know that I would have had the strength to get back up without the help of my brother Knights.

These men have taught me what it truly means to be a man. They have taught me the meaning of sacrifice. They have taught me how to treat women properly. They have taught me to fight for my soul with resilience, to truly battle and persevere until the last day. These men have taught me to be real and live Christianity in a truly human way. These men have taught me that there is a way to live my faith in a way that is attractive and joyful. Thank you brothers for showing me how to be a true man of God!

I Am Captivated By You

2009-07-14T14:16:00.004-06:00

I am down to three weeks left in Denver. Its hard to believe my time here is coming to an end. For so long I couldn’t wait to get out of here and now I’m beginning to realize that this is going to be a lot harder than I anticipated. Don’t get me wrong I’m so excited to be teaching again and especially teaching again at Carroll. I’m excited to be around so many people I love again. I know without a doubt that this is God’s will for me and the future is incredibly hopeful. I’m beyond excited for Mary Beth to be a part of this journey and to begin planning our lives together. Despite all this confidence in God’s plan and the joys of teaching it still doesn’t make it easy. I’m a person that has never done really well with change even when I want it.

God has blessed me so much in the last couple years. They have been some of the hardest but I have come out with some of the greatest gifts I could ever imagine. I never thought I would meet someone like Mary Beth by the end of my time here. I haven’t made a ton of friends out here but the ones I have made have become incredibly dear to me and the times I have spent with them have been some of the best of my life. I have experienced God’s majesty in the mountains. I have tried my hand at skiing. I have learned under some incredible professors and gained a new love and appreciation for my faith. I have been challenged and grown in so many ways. God has captivated my heart in a powerful way through my experiences here and for that I am forever grateful.

Over Fourth of July Weekend I went camping in the mountains with some friends. We spent the first night camping on Cotton Wood Pass and then went on to Crested Butte. This by far had to be the most gorgeous part of Colorado I had ever been in. The Drive was breath taking. On Sunday of the trip a bunch of us crammed into a Jeep Wrangler and went four wheeling up a mountain. On the way up the mountain we were listening to the song Captivated by Shawn McDonald. It was the first time I had heard the song and honestly it spoke to me because it honestly encapsulated everything I have experienced in the last two years. Here are the lyrics:

When I look into the mountains
I see Your fame
When I look into the night's sky
It sparkles Your name

The wind and the clouds and the blue in the sky
The sun and the moon and the stars so high
That's what draws me to You

I am, I'm captivated by You
In all that You do
I am, I'm captivated

When I wake unto the morning
It gives me Your sight
When I look across the ocean
It echoes Your might

The sand on the shore and the waves in the sea
The air in my lungs and the way You made me
That's what draws me to You

I am, I'm captivated by You
In all that You do
I am, I'm captivated

'Cause I am, I'm captivated by You
In all that You do
I am, I'm captivated

The wind and the clouds and the blue in the sky
The sun and the moon and the stars so high
The sand on the shore and the waves in the sea
The air in my lungs and the way You made me

The blood in my veins and my heart You invade
The plants how they grow and the tree and their shade
The way that I feel and love in my soul
I thank you my God for letting me, letting me know

I am, I'm captivated by You
In all that You do
I am, I'm captivated

'Cause I am, I'm captivated by You
In all that You do
I am, I'm captivated

At that moment with the mountains in front of us, streams and waterfalls to our left and the laughter and joy of good friends I felt completely enveloped in the Father’s Love. I felt so intensely loved by God at that moment. All I could think about was how thankful I was for Mary Beth, the job waiting for me in Wichita, and the great friends He had blessed me with here.

Since that trip has ended the days seem to be going faster and my time to enjoy Denver is speeding past me. I’m trying t savor every moment that is left. I’m enjoying spending more time with Mary Beth than I was able to during school. I’m enjoying time with some great friends out here and I am continually trying to enjoy what is left of this precious gift God blessed me with for two years.

As I return to Wichita I will leave here a little sad but I am so excited for what is in store for me there. Even though I am going back home it is not the continuation of what was before it is the beginning of a new chapter in my life. And despite the difficulties that will come with it I continue to be captivated by my Father and the blessings that will come from this experience.

Living the Dream

2009-07-01T10:55:00.002-06:00

It has been quite some time since I've blogged. Life has kept me quite busy in the last month and a half since I last posted anything. God has been showering his blessings upon me and I have absolutely nothing to complain about these days (I mean there is always Obama and Liberals but we won't go there this time) :)!

Starting in January my life really started to hit a turning point. It has honestly been nothing but uphill since then and right now I feel like I'm at the top of the mountain simply soaking in and enjoying God's Glory. I am for the first time in a long time simply resting in my Father's love and it is awesome!

These last two years have been some of the toughest since I finished my undergrad but the suffering has produced some amazing fruit in my life. In December I started dating an amazing girl. Mary Beth has challenged me to grow in so many ways and makes me want to be Holy more than any other woman I have ever met. In January the whole prayer thing sunk in more than ever and as my prayer life has grown my love has grown tremendously. In April I was offered a position back at Bishop Carroll. In May I defended my Thesis, took my last final, and graduated with my MA in Evangelization and Catechesis. The biggest shock and honor of that was finding out I was Valedictorian. I so did not deserve that but God for some reason bestowed that on me. I was honored to give a speech in front of my professors, classmates, family, Archbishop Chaput, and Cardinal Arinze (speech posted below if you want to read it). It was so awesome to experience that.

From graduation life moved into full force Totus Tuus mode. Training started a week after Graduation at St. Malo retreat center in the Mountains. This year was an incredibly blessed training. We have some incredible teachers with us, some of the best I've ever seen. I got to spend a great week hanging out with Fr. Kevin and Steve. It was also great to have Drew and Clay added to the Totus Tuus mix. God really drew me closer to Him that week and gave me some great opportunities to teach and grow in brotherhood with Steve and Father Kevin.

Then came one of the best days of my life. The Monday after training ended was mine and Mary Beth’s 6-month anniversary. On that day I took her hiking in the mountains and on the way to lunch we stopped at the Chapel on the Rock at St. Malo and I asked her to marry me. She said yes! We are both super happy and excited. The wedding is set for July 3, 2010 at St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Church in Wichita, KS.

Since then it has just continued to be awesome. I've been spending time with Mary Beth and just enjoying being engaged and each other without the stress of school finally. I've also been enjoying time with friends and my last couple months in Denver. Its honestly beginning to feel very bitter sweet that I'm moving. I'm so excited to be in the classroom again and to move home but I'm actually going to miss this place and some of the friendships I've made here, not to mention the weather and the mountains.

This last Saturday was also pretty incredible. I climbed a 14er for the first time, Mt. Bierstadt. It was so awesome and such an intense experience but worth every ounce of it. It honestly felt like such an analogy to my life, heck the Christian life in general. The climb was tough and physically draining. The air thinned, it was an uphill battle. At moments you felt like turning back but I refused and pushed myself incredibly hard to get to the top. All along the way all of us that climbed together encouraged each other and helped each other out. It was hard but I felt encouraged, loved, and safe because of the community of people I climbed with. At the top all the difficulty faded. I experienced such a sense of accomplishment. The view was incredible, probably the most beautiful view I've ever experienced. It felt on top of the world. I felt bathed in the Glory of God.

Life is definitely a roller coaster. I've had some rough times but right now I'm basking in the good ones. I know rough times will come again but as always God will give me the grace to get through them. Melissa is coming to visit today so she can meet Mary Beth. I can't wait to see her. She leaves Friday and then it’s off to camp in the mountains for 4th of July weekend! T-minus 4 weeks and 6 days left in Colorado. I'm going to savor every moment and continue to rest in my Father's love. For all you Kansas folk: can't wait to come home and have you all get to know Mary Beth more!

Augustine Institute 2009 Valedictorian Address

2009-05-24T18:40:00.002-06:00

Your Eminence, your Excellency, Dr. Gray and Augustine Institute faculty, and fellow graduates, I am humbled and honored to be in front of you today. It is with great joy that I address you on this momentous occasion.

George Weigel, in his book, Letters to a Young Catholic writes, “While Catholicism is a body of beliefs and a way of life, Catholicism is also an optic, a way of seeing things, a distinctive perception of reality.” This is what I believe the Augustine Institute has given us; a vision for life. We’ve written countless papers, sat through many lectures, stressed over memorizing more than what we would have thought possible for Dr. Sri’s exams, read an average of 1000 pages a week for Dr. Reyes’ class, and tried to decipher what Professor Innerst was really saying. And while education is a good in itself, all these things were merely means to an end. They served to give us an authentically Catholic worldview and shape us into leaders for the New Evangelization. We come to this day with a clearer understanding of what we must do to contribute to rebuilding a Christian culture.

The Servant of God, John Paul II, in his Apostolic Exhortation, Catehesi Tradendae, wrote, “The definitive aim of Catechesis is to put people not only in touch but in communion, in intimacy, with Jesus Christ: only He can lead us to the love of the Father in the Spirit and make us share in the life of the Holy Trinity.” As we go out into this world we must first realize that we are not offering people merely a moral code or a competing set of ideas but a call to relationship. To be Catholic is to be in an intimate relationship with Christ. Our lives must first and foremost bear witness to this.

In today’s world people are lost. They are starving for authentic relationship. They are desperately looking for “meaning”. Instead we are building what, then, Cardinal Ratzinger called a, “dictatorship of relativism.” People have lost their moral compass accepting the most atrocious crimes against humanity as “personal choices.” Where is “meaning?” Is it in Going Green? Is it in being a Champion of Choice? Is it in the Constitution? Or is it, in these days, to be found in financial security (being “debt free”)? The answer of Christ and his Church is, of course, that man is invested with a great dignity and a higher calling. St. Augustine writes, “You have made us for yourself, Oh Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you.” Again, Cardinal Ratzinger wrote, “Human life cannot be realized by itself. Our life is an open question, an incomplete project, still to be brought to fruition and realized. Each man's fundamental question is: How will this be realized—becoming man? How does one learn the art of living? Which is the path toward happiness? To evangelize means: to show this path—to teach the art of living.” We have lost this art of living. It is unlikely that rational arguments are going to sway people from today’s relativistic thought. The only way we are going to make a difference is by living a life that is radically other and at the same time attractive because it witnesses to love.

Lastly we must be people of prayer. John 15:5 reads, “Apart from me you can do nothing.” Without being rooted in Christ our efforts will be in vain. The only way to stay rooted in Christ is through prayer. The Augustine Institute has reawakened in me the realization of the desperate need I have for prayer. If we are to accomplish anything we must take time in this busy world to silence ourselves and allow God to speak to us and transform us.

Mary’s Fiat, St. Joseph humbly accepting the will of God to become the Foster Father of Jesus, St. Paul preaching the gospel to the ends of the earth despite persecution and suffering, St. Augustine leaving behind a life of pleasure for the sake of the Gospel, St. Therese doing small things with great love, St. Polycarp and many other martyrs like him in the history of the Church accepting death rather than denying Christ, St. Francis embracing a life of poverty, St. Benedict renewing the Church by becoming the founder of western monasticism, St. Maximillian Kolbe willingly laying down his life for the sake of another in a Nazi Concentration camp, Bl. Mother Theresa picking up the poor and diseased from the gutters of Calcutta; all of these things are examples of radical love. It is this radical love that allowed these Saints to transform the world around them. As we learned in Dr. Reyes’ class, “History is not made by large groups of people but by individuals.” With the formation we have received here we are to go forth and be those individuals committed to transforming the culture by radical love as these and so many other Saints have done.

In conclusion, I would like to thank my parents for all their sacrifices on my behalf, without them I would not be here today. I would also like to thank all the professors for not only their work in our intellectual formation but also for their witness of life in showing us the “art of living.” I would like to thank Archbishop Chaput for his support of the Augustine Institute, without it none of us would be here today. And of course thank you to Cardinal Arinze for taking the time to celebrate with us today. My fellow graduates, I leave you with these words of Christ to the Apostles, “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations.” Congratulations Class of 2009! Praised be Jesus Christ now and forever!

Go Therefore and Make Disciples of All Nations

2009-05-13T11:16:00.002-06:00

I'M DONE!!! I'm officially finished with Graduate School! I took my last final last night. All I have left to do is walk across a stage and get my diploma. I can't believe its over and I have my Masters Degree.

Two years ago when I arrived in Denver I had no idea what God had in store for me. I knew I would grow spiritually from the experience and learn a little something along the way but never in a million years did I imagine it would be like this. I thought I would move out here take some cool classes, write some papers and walk home with a degree. I came in slightly prideful feeling because after all “her I have an undergrad in Theology”. I knew I didn't know it all but I also didn't really think going to the Augustine Institute would have as profound an impact on me as it did. I grew intellectually way more than I thought I would but above all the spiritual growth and formation I received there have deeply changed me.

Pope Paul VI in EVANGELII NUNTIANDI writes, "Evangelizing is in fact the grace and vocation proper to the Church, her deepest identity. She exists in order to evangelize, that is to say, in order to preach and teach, to be the channel of the gift of grace, to reconcile sinners with God, and to perpetuate Christ's sacrifice in the Mass, which is the memorial of His death and glorious resurrection." I had read this once before in undergrad but I don't think I realized the importance and seriousness of these words until recently. There is an urgency in today's world to go out and evangelize. If we are Catholic, then we have an obligation to share in this mission. It is NOT an option. The world is crying out for truth and is one of the biggest states of confusion it has ever been in. As Catholics we are called to bring Christ to all people. We are called to transform this culture and that can only be done through Evangelization.

My time at the AI has given me a newfound sense of what Evangelization is and means. It has changed my perception of how I view the world. In a sense I've had a second conversion experience. In so many ways I have rediscovered my Catholic faith. The lens through which I view the world all of a sudden seems so much clearer. I feel renewed and ready to go back into teaching. I feel ready to take on new challenges and adventures as I continue to serve Christ through the Church.

Here are some bits of some of the ways the Augustine Institute has shaped me and prepared me to better serve the New Evangelization.

1. I have to ramp up the witness of my life. I have to strive to live in a way that is so much more radically other than I have in the past while at the same time do it in a way that is attractive and loving to others. Rational arguments are not going to convert people from their relativistic worldview. Benedict XVI says so many people reject Christianity because we have lost the "Art of Living". If our lives don't bear witness to the beauty and excitement of a relationship with Jesus Christ we will not change anyone.

2. I've come to a much more profound realization that I am a son of God. My first semester in Dr. Sri's class we talked about Divine Sonship; that lecture changed something in me; it’s like all of a sudden something clicked in my head. "See what love the Father has bestowed on us that we may be called the children of God. And so WE ARE!" (1 John 3:1) We are truly and fully God's children. He loves us profoundly and will take care of us no matter what.

3. I have come to hunger for the Eucharist and prayer in a way I never have before. The readings from the Saints we had to do and the time I spent in prayer over them have brought me to a point in my prayer life where daily mass and at least 30 minutes of silent meditation are essential to my day. The few times I have missed those in the past few months have resulted in bad days where things feel off. I still have a long way to go in my prayer life but before I knew in my head prayer was important but now its importance has penetrated the depths of my heart. It is slowly becoming the air I breathe. I hope I never lose sight of this one.

4. I have come to understand the history of why things in the world are the way they are today. All of a sudden all the things that have always frustrated me about the culture and politics make sense. Not that they don't frustrate me any more but I have begun to realize that a lot of the reason people are the way they are is not their fault. Our culture has been severely attacked and affected by centuries of incredibly bad Philosophy and thought that have left people with a very poor understanding of human anthropology and left them confused and in a state of hopelessness. This is why Evangelization is so key to the transformation of our society.

5. Lastly, probably the biggest thing the Augustine Institute has given me is brought me to a point were I have realized more than ever that I am nothing and God is everything. In the words of John the Baptist, "I must decrease, He must increase." I am slowly learning that I have to completely abandon my self into the arms of my Father. The only reason I have ever been effective in ministry and will continue to be effective in ministry is because of Him! Without him I am NOTHING! I will not go on from here and do great things; He will go onto do great things through me! "Apart from me you can do nothing!" Left to do things on my own I completely and totally suck. It is God who allows me to help in the building up of His Kingdom. It is God who blesses me with all the gifts in my life. It is God who gives me life and holds me in existence.

It is with a grateful heart that I journey into the next phase of my life. I'm ready to serve, ready to love, and ready to trust. No doubt God will continue to challenge me and form me. I still have much to learn and experience but the knowledge I have gained at the Augustine Institute will be indispensable in my task to go out and make disciples and on the road of my own personal journey.

"I Have Come that You Might Have Life and Have it Abundantly!"

2009-05-06T09:29:00.004-06:00

On Monday I was at noon mass at the seminary and the Father's homily focused on the verse in John's Gospel, "I have come that you might have life and have it abundantly." He asked us how often we really reflect on this? How often do we realize the gift of abundant Life that we have been given? How often are we a witness to others of that abundant life? Christ promises a life this is more amazing and more profound than anything we could ever imagine. We are pilgrims on a journey. This world is passing. One day we will hopefully all be welcomed into eternity and be able to fully experience this abundant life that Jesus speaks of.

As I reflected on this during mass and in my prayer time later that I day I realized how much Jesus is calling me to be detached from the things of this world. How often do I seek "life" from earthly pleasures. Not to say that all those earthly things are necissarily bad but they are just that, earthly and material. These are things that will fade.

Monday when I walked into mass I was so frustrated. I was stressing out about debt I need to get rid of, things I need to save money for, my computer was having issues and chances are I'll have to get a new one, a Parish canceled for Totus Tuus this summer, finals on the brain, all the stuff I still have left to do to get ready for Totus Tuus Training. To quote the movie Office Space, I was definetally having "A Case of the Mondays". While I sat there listening to the Gospel and then Father's Homily I started to realize, "seriously Jose, you are upset and stressing about all this? Have you not learned anything this past year? Look at all the amazing things in your life that are on such another level than these ridiculous material and earthly problems!" I started to snap myself back to reality. There is a God who loves me more than anything! Jesus Christ is Risen and redeemed me! I have access to the most Holy Sacrament of the Eucharist every day! I am blessed with an amazing girlfriend! I have been given an incredible job for next year! Things all of a sudden started to come back into perspective. All of these things are a glimpse of the abundant life God has to offer me! Sure there are all these stresses but God will give me the grace to get them figured out. He always does. I realized despite the difficulties I have to keep the bigger picture in perspective. That bigger picture is the amazing graces God pours into my life every single day. That bigger picture is abundant life!

I am truly blessed beyond words. Yeah all those stresses I mentioned are still present. I have no clue how all those things will shape up. But I do know that God will get them done through me like he always does.

There are so many problems in today's world. There are a lot of unhappy people. There are so many people who have lost hope. We as Christians have an obligation to be witnesses to the abundant life Jesus has promised us! If we lose sight of the big picture and focus too much on earthly realities then others will not grasp the concept of the greatness what God has in store for us. We must be lights in this dark world and be greatful for the abundant life God has bestowed on us in order to restore joy and hope to those who have lost it in this world.

Moral and Spiritual Theology

2009-04-22T09:11:00.002-06:00

For my Moral and Spiritual Theology Class we had to write two one page single-spaced spiritual essays. I wrote both of these last weekend when we were snowed in. I think they are pretty decent and hopfully offer some insights. For the first essay we had to pick any quote we wanted from our readings and expound on it by making connections with other quotes from the other readings. In the Second essay we had to pick a quote from one of the readings that defined prayer and then expound on that using quotes from the other readings as well. I think they are blog worthy. Hope you all enjoy!

Essay #1
Father Jacques Philippe in his book, Searching For and Maintaining Peace, writes, “In order to understand how fundamental it is for the development of the Christian life to strive to acquire and maintain peace of heart, the first thing which we must be convinced is that all good that we can do comes from God and from Him alone: Apart from Me, you can do nothing, Jesus said (John 15:5)” (pg. 3). This is the key to the Christian life. Often times on our journey we get frustrated because we ourselves try to be in control. We must put God in control of everything in order to be successful in our Christian walk. Mother Teresa affected the lives of so many people because she had this exact attitude. She writes, “I don’t think there is anyone who needs God’s help and grace as much as I do. Sometimes I feel so helpless and weak. I think that is why God uses me. Because I cannot depend on my own strength, I rely on Him twenty-four hours a day.” (No Greater Love 3). She recognized that God used her because she saw that without Him she could do nothing. St. Augustine is a saint we can easily relate to with our struggles to depend on God in all things. He spent many years being restless and struggling because he wanted to be in control and cling to his sins. In the Confessions he writes, “For you have made us and called us to yourself Oh Lord and our hearts are restless until they rest in you Oh Lord” (Book 1 Chapter 1). Later he also writes, “You are the strength of my soul; make your way in and shape it to yourself, that it may be yours to have and to hold, free from stain or wrinkle” (Book 10 Chapter 1).
So how does one go about doing this? It is a lot easier said than done. The first thing one must do is to know their place in God’s plan; to allow one’s self to be God’s servant and know one’s limits that are part of one’s humanity. St. Bernard writes, “The impudence of the sinner displeases God as much as the modesty of the penitent gives him pleasure. You will please him more readily if you live within the limits proper to you and do not set your sights at things beyond you” (Sermon 3:4). In other words to rely on God requires humility. Secondly, we must seek to do God’s will and His will alone. St. Catherine of Sienna writes, “O sweet, eternal will, you have taught us the way to discover your will! And if, most merciful Father, we were to ask your gentle, loving Son about this way, he would answer as follows: ‘Dearest children, if you want to discover and know the fruit of my will, dwell always in the cell of your soul’”(Pg. 24). This stems back to becoming humble. St. Catherine goes on to say, “This cell is a well containing soil as our own poverty, knowing that of ourselves we are nothing. In this knowledge we appreciate that our very existence comes to us from God” (Pg. 24). It is important to recognize that when we rely on God’s will we will be happier than if we try and do things our way. Greatness lies not in what the world tells us but in what God desires for us. St. Therese of Lisieux writes, “It pleases Him to create great Saints, who may be compared with the lilies or the rose; but He has also created little ones, who must be content to be daisies or violets…The happier they are to be as He wills, the more perfect they are” (Pg. 2). Lastly, in order to accept God’s will and do it in humility prayer is necessary. When we pray we grow in love and become more trusting of our Father. Fr. Dubay writes, “anyone who grows in love grows in happiness, even to the point of ‘rejoicing in the Lord always’ (Phil 4:4)”(Pg. 80).
God has a great plan for all of us, but if we are not rooted in Him we can go nowhere. If we want to let go and put God in control then the questions we must ask ourselves are, “How can I let Jesus act in me? How can I permit the grace of God to freely operate in my life” (Philippe 4)? For only when we allow God to take control will we come to our true fulfillment.

Essay #2
Simon Tugwell writes, “‘Prayer,’ according to one ancient definition, ‘is keeping company with God.’ And that really throws us right in at the deep end. Prayer is not another part for us to act, another skill for us to master, another subject to study for an examination: it is a relationship, and a relationship with God” (vii). In order to cultivate any sort of relationship in our lives we have to put effort into it and spend time with the person. If we want a relationship with God we must pray. Mother Teresa writes, “My secret is very simple: I pray. Through prayer I become one in love with Christ. I realize that praying to Him is loving Him” (No Greater Love 3). Despite prayer not being a skill for us to master, it is something many of us struggle with. Bernard Bro writes, “One of the first observations to be made about our prayer life is that we do not know how to pray. The Apostles themselves recognized this very soon and make this request to Christ” (Pg. 28).
As mentioned above, prayer is about relationship with God, but how do we enter into that relationship? Just as the Apostles asked how to pray we must ask that same question. St. Catherine of Sienna writes of three kinds of prayer. “The first is unceasing: it is a holy and constant desire which prays in the sight of God, no matter what you are doing…The second kind is vocal prayer: you engage in this when you say the office or other prayers aloud. This is meant to bring you to the third kind, namely mental prayer”(Pg. 22). While all three of these types of prayer are good, if we want to truly grow in the Christian life one has to commit to mental prayer or meditation. “Just as you and I get to know people by meeting, listening, and speaking to them, so in meditation we get to know God interpersonally by conversing with him in a quiet place…We listen to him speaking to us through the beauties of nature, Sacred Scripture, the texts of the liturgy, the lives and writings of the saints” (Dubay 67). While prayer can be difficult and often times we get discouraged because we don’t feel like we are praying well, we must persevere. “If you want to pray better, you must pray more” (No Greater Love 4).
As we grow in love and prayer God may stir our hearts and call us to a deeper form of prayer called contemplation. However, contemplation is not something we can achieve on our own. “While meditative prayer involves reading, thinking, imagining, drawing conclusions, and conversing inwardly with the indwelling of the Trinity, contemplation is none of these things. Rather it is a real awareness of God, desiring and loving him, which we do not produce but simply receive from him when we are ready for it” (Dubay 85). St. John of the Cross refers to the soul called to contemplation in his writings. He writes that a person, “should allow the soul to remain in rest and quietude even though it may seem very obvious to them that they are doing nothing and wasting time…Through patience and perseverance in prayer, they will be doing a great deal without activity on their part” (Pg. 185). We can dispose ourselves to contemplation, but we cannot attain it on our own. In order to dispose ourselves to it one must, “lift up your heart up to the Lord, with a gentle stirring of love desiring him for his own sake and not for his gifts. Center all your attention and desire on him and let this be the sole concern of your mind and heart”(Cloud of Unknowing Pg. 48).
Prayer is the key to being in relationship with God. It is only through prayer that we can come to know and love God more and in the process come to know ourselves so that we can perfect ourselves in holiness. St. Bernard writes, “I assure you my sons, I find joy in nothing else if he is not here, who alone gives me joy. And I implore him not to come empty-handed but full of grace and truth…I need both of these: I need truth that I may not be able to hide from him, and grace that I may not wish to hide” (Sermon 74, III, 8). Prayer helps us grow in perfection and find joy in His presence!

The Final Countdown

2009-04-21T12:51:00.002-06:00

It has been entirley too long since I've written a post. I can't believe how much has happened since the last time I posted. God has blessed me with so much in the last few weeks. I can't get over how abundant his graces and mercy have been in my life. I so don't deserve it but I am eternally greatful.

After weeks of waiting with a giant knot in my stomach I finally interviewed for the Bishop Carroll job and got it!!! I'm so excited to be back there in the fall and am so thankful to have a job when so many friends of mine are out of a job and searching. I pray for them daily and realize that I could be in their shoes just as easily.

The trip to Wichita was awesome. Mary Beth loved it and is actually excited to move there with me. I'm in total awe of how incredibly open and willing she has been through all fo this. It blows my mind that a Colorado native is willing to leave everything she has known to come to Wichita with me. I don't deserve it. I love her for it so much and continue to fall more in love with her everyday!

I'm less than three weeks away from being done with grad school. My Thesis is done and bound. I'll be presenting it on May 1st. I have one paper left to write and finals to take. I'm feeling suprisingly relaxed as this semester comes to an end. I have tons left to do but just feel confident that it will somehow get done because it always does.

I'll be back in Wichita in about three weeks as well to sign my contract, fill out all my paper work and watch my boys graduate. I can't believe they are going to be done. It has been such a joy to be a part of their lives and watch them grow into young men over the past four years. I pray they continue to grow and go onto great things as they enter college next year.

My parents will then be in town for my graduation on the 23rd. My mom will meet Mary Beth for the first time. Caridnal Arenze will be out commencement speaker. I'm really excited for that weekend. Its going to feel darn good to get that diploma.

Then one amazing summer left in Denver. Totus Tuus training starts May 28th. Josh Mans is coming back this summer and Drew Maly and Clay Kimbro will be teaching for the first time. I'm super pumped to have those guys out here. I'm also really excited to get to enjoy some great summer hikes with Mary Beth and be able to have a little more free time to spend together without school hanging over my head. The big move is scheduled for August 3rd or 4th. Please pray that Mary Beth finds a job.

Two years have gone by so fast. It is so crazy to look back on an reflect on all that has happened. It has been an incredible ride and one I never thought would end up the way it has. God never ceases to amaze me. Life has been a struggle but I have to say that all the tough times have been worth ever difficulty and annoyance to experience the moments of joy I have had here in Colorado and the blessing of Mary Beth. I'm excited for what is left and I'm hoping to just soak it all in and enjoy now that the major stress of finding a job has been taken care of. I'm excited to move back but I'm also incredibly excited for what is left of school and the summer; to just sit back and soak in the beauty of the Rockies for one last summer!

Praise God from Whom all Blessings Flow!!!

Standing For Truth

2009-03-25T11:24:00.002-06:00

The following is an article that I had to read for my History class by Cardinal Stafford describing his experience at the time of the dissent brought on By Humanae Vitae. It is a little long for a blog post but well worth the read! Let's remember our duty as Catholics to stand for Truth no matter what as we read this article, especially in light of the current Notre Dame and Obama situation. Hope you enjoy!

The Year of the Peirasmòs - 1968
By Cardinal James Francis Stafford

“Lead us not into temptation” is the sixth petition of the Our Father. Πειρασμός (Peirasmòs), the Greek word used in this passage for ‘temptation.’, means a trial or test. Disciples petition God to be protected against the supreme test of ungodly powers. The trial is related to Jesus’s cup in Gethsemane, the same cup which his disciples would also taste (Mk 10: 35-45). The dark side of the interior of the cup is an abyss. It reveals the awful consequences of God’s judgment upon sinful humanity. In August, 1968, the weight of the evangelical Πειρασμός fell on many priests, including myself.
It was the year of the bad war, of complex innocence that sanctified the shedding of blood. English historian Paul Johnson dubs 1968 as the year of “America’s Suicide Attempt.” It included the Tet offensive in Vietnam with its tsunami-like effects in American life and politics, the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. in Memphis, Tennessee; the tumult in American cities on Palm Sunday weekend; and the June assassination of Senator Robert F. Kennedy in southern California. It was also the year in which Pope Paul VI issued his encyclical letter on transmitting human life, Humanae Vitae (HV). He met immediate, premeditated, and unprecedented opposition from some American theologians and pastors. By any measure 1968 was a bitter cup.
On the fortieth anniversary of Humanae Vitae, I have been asked to reflect on one event of that year, the doctrinal dissent among some priests and theologians in an American Archdiocese on the occasion of its publication. It is not an easy or welcome task. But since it may help some followers of Jesus to live what Pope Paul VI called a more “disciplined” life (HV 21), I will explore that event.
The summer of 1968 is a record of God’s hottest hour. The memories are not forgotten; they are painful. They remain vivid like a tornado in the plains of Colorado. They inhabit the whirlwind where God’s wrath dwells. In 1968 something terrible happened in the Church. Within the ministerial priesthood ruptures developed everywhere among friends which never healed. And the wounds continue to affect the whole Church. The dissent, together with the leaders’ manipulation of the anger they fomented, became a supreme test. It changed fundamental relationships within the Church. It was a Πειρασμός for many.
Some background material is necessary. Cardinal Lawrence J. Shehan, the sixth Archbishop of Baltimore, was my ecclesiastical superior at the time. Pope Paul VI had appointed him along with others as additional members to the Papal Commission for the Study of Problems of the Family, Population, and Birth Rates, first established by Blessed Pope John XXIII in 1963 during the II Vatican Council. There had been discussions and delays and unauthorized interim reports from Rome prior to 1968. The enlarged Commission was asked to make recommendations on these issues to the Pope.
In preparation for its deliberations, the Cardinal sent confidential letters to various persons of the Church of Baltimore seeking their advice. I received such a letter.
My response drew upon experience, both personal and pastoral. Family and education had given me a Christian understanding of sex. The profoundly Catholic imagination of my family, friends and teachers had caused me to be open to this reality; I was filled with wonder before its mystery. Theological arguments weren’t necessary to convince me of the binding connection between sexual acts and new life. That truth was an accepted part of life at the elementary school connected with St. Joseph’s Passionist Monastery Parish in Baltimore. In my early teens my father had first introduced me to the full meaning of human sexuality and the need for discipline. His intervention opened a path through the labyrinth of adolescence.
Through my family, schools, and parishes I became friends with many young women. Some of them I dated on a regular basis. I marveled at their beauty. The courage of St. Maria Goretti, canonized in 1950, struck my generation like an intense mountain storm. Growing into my later teens I understood better how complex friendship with young women could be. They entered the spring-time of my life like the composite rhythm of a poem. To my surprise, the joy of being their friend was enriched by prayer, modesty, and the Sacraments of Penance and the Eucharist.
Later education and formation in seminaries built upon those experiences. In a 1955 letter to a friend, Flannery O’Connor describes the significance of the virtue of purity for many Catholics at that time. “To see Christ as God and man is probably no more difficult today than it has been. ... For you it may be a matter of not being able to accept what you call a suspension of the law of the flesh and the physical, but for my part I think that when I know what the laws of the flesh and physical reality really are, then I will know what God is. We know them as we see them, not as God sees them. For me it is the virgin birth, the Incarnation, the resurrection which are the true laws of the flesh and the physical. Death, decay, destruction are the suspension of these laws. I am always astonished at the emphasis the Church places on the body. It is not the soul she says that will rise but the body, glorified. I have always thought that purity was the most mysterious of the virtues, but it occurs to me that it would never have entered human consciousness if we were not to look forward to a resurrection of the body, which will be flesh and spirit united in peace, in the way they were in Christ. The resurrection of Christ seems the high point in the law of nature.” O’Connor’s theology with its remarkably eschatological mark anticipates the teaching of the II Vatican Council, “The truth is that only in the mystery of the incarnate Word does the mystery of man take on light” (Gaudium et Spes 22). In those years, I could not have used her explicit words to explain where I stood on sexuality and its use. Once I discovered them she became a spiritual sister.
Eight years of priestly ministry from 1958 to 1966 in Washington and Baltimore broadened my experience. It didn’t take long to discover changes in Americans’ attitudes towards the virtue of purity. Both cities were undergoing sharp increases in out-of-wedlock pregnancies. The rate in Baltimore’s inner-city was about 18% in 1966 and had been climbing for several years. In 1965-1966 the Baltimore Metropolitan Health and Welfare Council undertook a study to advise the city government in how to address the issue. At that time, the Board members of the Council, including myself, had uncritical faith in experts and social research. Even the II Vatican Council had expressed unfettered confidence in the role of benevolent experts (Gaudium et Spes 57). Not one of my professional acquaintances anticipated the crisis of trust which was just around the corner in the relations between men and women. Our vision was incapable of establishing conditions of justice and of purity of heart in which wonder and appreciation can find play. We were already anachronistic and without hope. We ignored the texture of life.
There were signs even then of the disasters facing children, both born and unborn. As a caseworker and priest throughout the 1960's, part of my ministry involved counseling inner-city families and single parents. My first awareness of a parishioner using hard drugs was in 1961. A sixteen-year old had been jailed in Anne Arundel County, Maryland. At the time of my late afternoon visit to him, he was experiencing drug withdrawal unattended and alone in a tiny cell. His screams filled the corridors and adjoining cells. Through the iron bars dividing us, I was horror-stricken watching him in his torment. The abyss he was looking into was unimaginably terrifying. In this drugged youth writhing in agony on the floor next to an open toilet I saw the bitter fruits of the estrangement of men and women. His mother, separated from her husband, lived with her younger children in a sweltering third floor flat on Light St. in old South Baltimore. The father was non-existent for them. The failure of men in their paternal and spousal roles was unfolding before my eyes and ears. Since then more and more American men have refused to accept responsibility for their sexuality.
In a confidential letter responding to his request, I shared in a general fashion these concerns. My counsel to Cardinal Shehan was very real and specific. I had taken a hard, cold look at what I was experiencing and what the Church and society were doing. I came across an idea which was elliptical: the gift of love should be allowed to be fruitful. These two fixed points are constant. This simple idea lit up everything like lightning in a storm. I wrote about it more formally to the Cardinal: the unitive and procreative meanings of marriage cannot be separated. Consequently, to deprive a conjugal act deliberately of its fertility is intrinsically wrong. To encourage or approve such an abuse would lead to the eclipse of fatherhood and to disrespect for women. Since then, Pope John Paul II has given us the complementary and superlative insight into the nuptial meaning of the human body. Decades afterwards, I came across an analogous reading from Meister Eckhart: “Gratitude for the gift is shown only by allowing it to make one fruitful.”

Some time later, the Papal Commission sent its recommendations to the Pope. The majority advised that the Church’s teaching on contraception be changed in light of new circumstances. Cardinal Shehan was part of that majority. Even before the encyclical had been signed and issued, his vote had been made public although not on his initiative.
As we know, the Pope decided otherwise. This sets the scene for the tragic drama following the actual date of the publication of the encyclical letter on July 29, 1968.
In his memoirs, Cardinal Shehan describes the immediate reaction of some priests in Washington to the encyclical. “[A]fter receiving the first news of the publication of the encyclical, the Rev. Charles E. Curran, instructor of moral theology of The Catholic University of America, flew back to Washington from the West where he had been staying. Late [on the afternoon of July 29], he and nine other professors of theology of the Catholic University met, by evident prearrangement, in Caldwell Hall to receive, again by prearrangement with the Washington Post, the encyclical, part by part, as it came from the press. The story further indicated that by nine o’clock that night, they had received the whole encyclical, had read it, had analyzed it, criticized it, and had composed their six-hundred word ‘Statement of Dissent.’ Then they began that long series of telephone calls to ‘theologians’ throughout the East, which went on, according to the Post, until 3:30 A.M., seeking authorization, to attach their names as endorsers (signers was the term used) of the statement, although those to whom they had telephoned could not have had an opportunity to see either the encyclical or their statement. Meanwhile, they had arranged through one of the local television stations to have the statement broadcast that night.”
The Cardinal’s judgment was scornful. In 1982 he wrote, “The first thing that we have to note about the whole performance is this: so far as I have been able to discern, never in the recorded history of the Church has a solemn proclamation of a Pope been received by any group of Catholic people with so much disrespect and contempt.”
The personal Πειρασμός, the test, began. In Baltimore in early August, 1968, a few days after the encyclical’s issuance, I received an invitation by telephone from a recently ordained assistant pastor to attend a gathering of some Baltimore priests at the rectory of St. William of York parish in southwest Baltimore to discuss the encyclical. The meeting was set for Sunday evening, August 4. I agreed to come. Eventually a large number of priests were gathered in the rectory’s basement. I knew them all.
The dusk was clear, hot, and humid. The quarters were cramped. We were seated on rows of benches and chairs and were led by a diocesan inner-city pastor well known for his work in liturgy and race-relations. There were also several Sulpician priests present from St. Mary’s Seminary in Baltimore to assist him in directing the meeting. I don’t recall their actual number.
My expectations of the meeting proved unrealistic. I had hoped that we had been called together to receive copies of the encyclical and to discuss it. I was mistaken. Neither happened.
After welcoming us and introducing the leadership, the inner-city pastor came to the point. He expected each of us to subscribe to the Washington “Statement of Dissent.” Mixing passion with humor, he explained the reasons. They ranged from the maintenance of the credibility of the Church among the laity to the need to allow ‘flexibility’ for married couples in forming their consciences on the use of artificial contraceptives. Before our arrival, the conveners had decided that the Baltimore priests’ rejection of the papal encyclical would be published the following morning in The Baltimore Sun, one of the daily newspapers.

The Washington statement was read aloud. Then the leader asked each of us to agree to have our names attached to it. No time was allowed for discussion, reflection, or prayer. Each priest was required individually to give a verbal “yes” or “no.”
I could not sign it. My earlier letter to Cardinal Shehan came to mind. I remained convinced of the truth of my judgement and conclusions. Noting that my seat was last in the packed basement, I listened to each priest’s response, hoping for support. It didn’t materialize. Everyone agreed to sign. There were no abstentions. As the last called upon, I felt isolated. The basement became suffocating.
By now it was night. The room was charged with tension. Something epochal was taking place. It became clear that the leaders’ strategy had been carefully mapped out beforehand. It was moving along without a hitch. Their rhetorical skills were having their anticipated effect. They had planned carefully how to exert what amounted to emotional and intellectual coercion. Violence by overt manipulation was new to the Baltimore presbyterate.
The leader’s reaction to my refusal was predictable and awful. The whole process now became a grueling struggle, a terrible test, a Πειρασμος. The priest/leader, drawing upon some scatological language from his Marine Corp past in the II World War responded contemptuously to my decision. He tried to force me to change. He became visibly angry and verbally abusive. The underlying, ‘fraternal’ violence became more evident. He questioned and then derided my integrity. He taunted me to risk my ecclesiastical ‘future,’ although his reference was more anatomically specific. The abuse went on.
With surprising coherence I was eventually able to respond that the Pope’s encyclical deserved the courtesy of a reading. None of us had read it. I continued that, as a matter of fact, I agreed with and accepted the Pope’s teaching as it had been reported in the public media. That response elicited more ridicule. Otherwise there was silence. Finally, seeing that I would remain firm, the ex-Marine moved on to complete the business and adjourn the meeting. The leaders then prepared a statement for the next morning’s daily paper.
The meeting ended. I sped out of there, free but disoriented. Once outside the darkness encompassed me. We all had been subjected to a new thing in the Church, something unexpected. A pastor and several seminary professors had abused rhetoric to undermine the truth within the evangelical community. When opposed, they assumed the role of Job’s friends. Their contempt became a nightmare. In the night it seemed that God’s blind hand was reaching out to touch my face.
The dissent of a few Sulpician seminary professors compounded my disorientation. In their ancient Baltimore Seminary I had first caught on to the connection between freedom, interiority, and obedience. By every ecclesial measure they should have been aware that the process they supported that evening exceeded the “norms of licit dissent.” But they showed no concern for the gravity of that theological and pastoral moment. They saw nothing unbecoming in the mix of publicity and theology. They expressed no impatience then or later over the coercive nature of the August meeting. Nor did any of the other priests present. One diocesan priest did request privately later that night that his name be removed before the statement’s publication in the morning paper.
For a long time, I wondered about the meaning of the event. It was a cataclysm which was difficult to survive intact. Things were sorted out slowly. Later, Henri de Lubac captured some of its significance, “Nothing is more opposed to witness than vulgarization. Nothing is more unlike the apostolate than propaganda.” Hannah Arendt’s insights have been useful concerning the dangerous poise of 20th century western culture between unavoidable doom and reckless optimism. “It should be possible to discover the hidden mechanics by which all traditional elements of our political and spiritual world were dissolved into a conglomeration of where everything seems to have lost specific value, and has become unrecognizable for human comprehension, unusable for human purpose. To yield to the mere process of disintegration has become an irresistible temptation, not only because it has assumed the spurious grandeur of ‘historical necessity’, but also because everything outside it has begun to appear lifeless, bloodless, meaningless and unreal”. The subterranean world that has always accompanied Catholic communities, called Gnosticism by our ancestors, had again surfaced and attempted to usurp the truth of the Catholic tradition.
An earlier memory from April 1968 helped to shed further light on what had happened in August, 1968 along with de Lubac’s words about violence and Arendt’s insights into the breaking point reached by Western civilization in the 20th century. During the height of the 1968 Baltimore riots following the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., I had made an emergency call to that same inner-city pastor who would lead the later August meeting. It was one of numerous telephone conversations I had with inner-city pastors during the night preceding Palm Sunday. At the request of the city government, I was asking whether the pastors or their people, both beleaguered, might need food, medical assistance, or other help.
My conversation with him that April night was by far the most dramatic. He described the view from the rectory while speaking on the phone. A window framed a dissolving neighborhood; his parish was becoming a raging inferno. He said, “From here I see nothing but fire burning everywhere. Everything has been set ablaze. The Church and rectory are untouched thus far.” He did not wish to leave or be evacuated. His voice betrayed disillusionment and fear. Later we learned that the parish buildings survived.
‘Sorting out’ these two events of violence continued throughout the following months and years. The trajectories of April and August 1968 unpredictably converged. Memories of the physical violence in the city in April 1968 helped me to name what had happened in August 1968. Ecclesial dissent can become a kind of spiritual violence in its form and content. A new, unsettling insight emerged. Violence and truth don’t mix. When expressive violence of whatever sort is inflicted upon truth, the resulting irony is lethal.
What do I mean? Look at the results of the two events. After the violent 1968 Palm Sunday weekend, civil dialogue in metropolitan Baltimore broke down and came to a stop. It took a back seat to open anger and recriminations between whites and blacks. The violence of the priests’ August gathering gave rise to its own ferocious acrimony. Conversations among the clergy, where they existed, became contaminated with fear. Suspicions among priests were chronic. Fears abounded. And they continue. The Archdiocesan priesthood lost something of the fraternal whole which Baltimore priests had known for generations. 1968 marked the hiatus of the generational communio of the Archdiocesan presbyterate, which had been continually reinforced by the seminary and its Sulpician faculty. Priests’ fraternity had been wounded. Pastoral dissent had attacked the Eucharistic foundation of the Church. Its nuptial significance had been denied. Some priests saw bishops as nothing more than Roman mannequins.
Something else happened among priests on that violent August night. Friendship in the Church sustained a direct hit. Jesus, by calling those who were with him his ‘friends,’ had made friendship a privileged analogy of the Church. That analogy became obscured after a large number of priests expressed shame over their leaders and repudiated their teaching.
Cardinal Shehan later reported that on Monday morning, August 5, he “was startled to read in the Baltimore Sun that seventy-two priests of the Baltimore area had signed the Statement of Dissent.” What he later called “the years of crisis” began for him during that hot, violent August evening in 1968.
But that night was not a total loss. The test was unexpected and unwelcome. Its unhinging consequences continue. Abusive, coercive dissent has become a reality in the Church and subjects her to violent, debilitating, unproductive, chronic controversies. But I did discover something new. Others also did. When the moment of Christian witness came, no Christian could be coerced who refused to be. Despite the novelty of being treated as an object of shame and ridicule, I did not become “ashamed of the Gospel” that night and found “sweet delight in what is right.” It was not a bad lesson. Ecclesial obedience ran the distance.
My discovery that Christ was the first to despise shame was gut-rending in its existential and providential reality. “Let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus the pioneer and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame.” Paradoxically, in the hot, August night a new sign shown unexpectedly on the path to future life. It read, “Jesus learned obedience through what he suffered.”
The violence of the initial disobedience was only a prelude to further and more pervasive violence. Priests wept at meetings over the manipulation of their brothers. Contempt for the truth, whether aggressive or passive, has become common in Church life. Dissenting priests, theologians and laypeople have continued their coercive techniques. From the beginning the press has used them to further its own serpentine agenda.
All of this led to a later discovery. Discernment is an essential part of episcopal ministry. With the grace of “the governing Spirit” the discerning skills of a bishop should mature. Episcopal attention should focus on the break/rupture initiated by Jesus and described by St. Paul in his response to Corinthian dissenters. “You desire proof that Christ is speaking in me. He is not weak in dealing with you, but is powerful in you. For he was crucified in weakness, but lives by the power of God. For we are weak in him, but in dealing with you we shall live with him by the power of God. Examine yourselves, to see whether you are holding to your faith. Test yourselves” (2 Cor 13: 3-5).
The rupture of the violent death of Jesus has changed our understanding of the nature of God. His Trinitarian life is essentially self-surrender and love. By Baptism, every disciple of Jesus is imprinted with that Trinitarian water-mark. The Incarnate Word came to do the will of him who sent him. Contemporary obedience of disciples to the Successor of Peter cannot be separated from the poverty of spirit and purity of heart modeled and won by the Word on the Cross.
A brief after word. In 1978 or thereabouts during an episcopal visitation to his parish, I was having lunch with the Baltimore pastor, the ex-Marine, who led the August 1968 meeting. I was a guest in his rectory. He was still formidable. Our conversation was about his parish, the same parish he had been shepherding during the 1968 riots. The atmosphere was amiable. During the simple meal in the kitchen I came to an uneasy decision. Since we had never discussed the August 1968 night, I decided to initiate a conversation about it. My recall was brief, objective and, insofar as circumstances allowed, unthreatening. I had hoped for some light from him on an event which had become central to the experience of many priests including myself. While my mind and heart were recalling the events of the night, he remained silent. His silence continued afterwards. Even though he had not forgotten, he made no comment. He didn’t lift his eyes. His heart’s fire was colder now.
Nothing was forthcoming. I left the matter there. No dialogue was possible in 1968; it remained impossible in 1978. There was no common ground. Both of us were looking into an abyss - from opposite sides. Anguish and disquiet overwhelmed the distant hope of reconciliation and friendship. We never returned to the subject again. He has since died while serving a large suburban parish. The only remaining option is to strike my breast and pray, “Lord, remember the secret worth of all our human worthlessness”
Diocesan presbyterates have not recovered from the July/August nights in 1968. Many in consecrated life also failed the evangelical test. Since January 2002, the abyss has opened up elsewhere. The whole people of God, including children and adolescents, now must look into the abyss and see what dread beasts are at its bottom. Each of us shudders before the wrath of God, each weeps in sorrow for our sins and each begs for the Father’s merciful remembrance of Christ’s obedience.

J. Francis Cardinal Stafford
Major Penitentiary of the Apostolic Penitentiary

Dare to Know!

2009-03-20T09:41:00.007-06:00

I'm currently in a History Class for my graduate program about the Church and the Modern World. This class is completely changing my perception of things and getting me to think and connect the dots of what is going on in our society in amazing ways. How many of us think? How many of us really and truly think? How many of us combine the use of our Faith and Reason to make decisions and evaluate the world around us. This is something I've been making a much stronger effort to do over the last few years. Let's take a quick stroll down memory lane and think about why we are where we are in our world today.

In ancient and early Christian times God was at the center of everything. Man believed truth was something outside themselves. There was belief that some form of higher power existed that was the source of that truth. Atheism was almost non existent because people actually believed in some form of higher power. The world then mainly became Christian and people lived in a world heavily influenced by Christ and his teachings. It was by no means perfect and people were not perfectly moral but people viewed the world in a Christian way.

Then came the Enlightenment. The Enlightenment was not a relativistic movement. It did believe in truth. However it throughout faith and taught that truth could be arrived at through reason alone. The great cry of the Enlightenment was "Dare to Know!" The great thinkers of the enlightenment, like Kant, believed if you got a bunch of people together in a room and argued for something on reason alone you would come up with some sort of universal truth. We can all guess why that didn't work. Because when you take God out of the equation and leave it only to human beings to decide truth you're in big trouble. A sub movement that was part of the enlightenment was Romanticism. Romanticism was also not relativistic. Romanticism believed you could come to truth based on your sentiments and feelings. Sound familiar?

The failure of these movements have brought us to where we are today. A Post-Modern world that is in chaos. We began with God at the center. Then Man was at the center. Now, nothing is at the center. We have completely rejected Faith and Reason. People do not think and allow themselves to be manipulated by the media and Propaganda! Why do you think Obama won this election? I honestly believe that if people would have allowed Faith plus REASON to evaluate the situation no human being would have put their trust in this man. First of all CHANGE? Why the heck would Americans want Change? We have the most comfortable lives and have had the most stable government in the world for the last 200 years. Seriously, Change? And HOPE? What exactly does he mean by Hope? Cause I've had Hope for years. My Hope is in Jesus Christ. He has completely altered the meaning of these two words to tug at the heart strings of America and get them to blindly follow based on nothing but their passions and emotions. Hitler and the French Revolution did the same thing. The Pro-Abortion Movement does the same thing as well. I'm not saying Obama is the same as Hitler but I am saying be weary of people who throw out reason and manipulate the meaning of words for the purpose of getting people to follow them. My Professor said something last week in class that hit the nail on the head: "Every Revolution in History began with a revolution of words. He who manipulates and owns the definitions of the words owns the people." Folks It's not pro-choice, it's pro-abortion! If you think otherwise you are kidding yourselves. The pro-abortionists coined the term and manipulated the meaning of the word choice to make their stance sound good. The French Revolution used "Liberty, Equality, and Fraternity" to rile up the people. All these terms are good things when defined with their true meaning but the French Revolution manipulated their meaning. And if you think Obama did not do that with the words Hope and Change then you're kidding yourselves. Obama's cabinet is made up of some of the most avid pro-abortionists in this country. Embryonic stem cell research and cloning for research purposes is now legal. Our tax dollars are now funding Abortions in foreign countries. All this in less than two months in office. You wanted Hope and Change America, well you're getting it!

Living In the Moment

2009-03-10T13:11:00.002-06:00

I am about two months away from taking my last graduate school final and and then graduating. It is hard to believe that the two years of grad school I moved out here for are almost up. It feels like just yesterday I was packing my life away and leaving Wichita. Time really does fly and it seems to moving even faster as I get older. I can't belive it has been 7 years since I finished undergrad. My 10 year High School Reunion took place this past fall. Life has definetally been an adventure and I look forward to what is next. But I also can't forget to live in the now and cherish every moment.

The common human tendency is to constantly worry abou the future. We constantly live in worry or excitedment of what is to come. And who can blame people given the current economic climate of things. But you know what? When we do that we might miss something incredible that God is trying to teach us or show us right then. St. Thomas Aquinas talks about how too much worry and anxiety about the future can even be a sin. Plus he says that it is pointless because God gives us grace to deal with trials in the moment. If we spend time worrying about future trials it can cause us a lot of undue anxiety because we haven't been given the grace to deal with them yet, but we will when the time comes.

I have always known this in a sense but it really hit me last night while I was in prayer. I was reading one of the letters Catherine of Sienna wrote to her brother who was dealing with some struggles in his life. Catherine urged him to deal with them patiently and to live for today because life is so short and we can't be certain that tomorrow will even come. I've been doing a lot of worrying lately about the fall and what job I will have, where I will live and how it will all play out. While I have to do what is necissary to secure a job upon graduation I need to not worry so much. God is in control and he will take care of all of it. I only have a few months left here in Denver and I need to soak it in. I'm actually enjoying my Thesis so I should soak in the time I have writing it. I need to soak in what I have left of class. I'm never going to have an opportunity again like this one. Yeah its tough and stressful in many ways but as I look back I have enjoyed it immensely despite the difficulties and trials. I want to continue to cherish what I have left.

I've gotten to go skiing a few times. I've gone on some incredible hikes. I've gotten the opportunity to work for some amazing people that have really helped me grow so much: Fr. Kevin, Jim Beckman, Fr. Payo. I've gotten to learn under some of the most incredible professors: Dr. Reyes, Dr. Gray, Prof. Innerest, Dr. Sri. I've fallen in love with my faith all over again in a more powerful way than I ever thought possible. My view of the world has changed dramatically, it has become more Catholic. I've made some really great friends: Dave, Steve, Jon, John, Wendy, etc. I've gotten to reconnect with old friends: Hugh and Pete. I've met the love of my life. Mary Beth has been such a blessing and calmed me down big time. I'm in my most stressful semester of school and I'm the least stressed I've been out of all the other semesters. I think she is a big reason for that. I've had the joy of witnessing former students work for me through Totus Tuus. This list could go on and on. The good of the decision to come out here definetally outwieghs the bad.

And so I'm here with only a few months remaining. I pray that I can soak it all in and cherish every last moment. Enjoy this time with Mary Beth. Enjoy the friendships I have made. Enjoy the learning and reading. Enjoy another summer of Totus Tuus and the beauty of Colorado!

I have an interview at Bishop Carroll next month some time. I'm not sure what will happen. I do ask for all your prayers that it work out but for the time being I'm going to try really hard and not worry about it. TODAY is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!

Waiting on the World To Change

2009-03-04T09:53:00.002-07:00

Have you ever looked around? I mean really looked around? Have you ever looked inside yourself? I mean really looked inside yourself? I would venture to think most people really haven't done this because if they did they would not like what they saw. John Paul II said the biggest crisis in the modern world is the lack of an interior life. We have stopped being self-reflective. We have stopped evaluating what our senses take in around us. We have become people who are on autopilot going through day to day life without ever taking time out of our days to reflect on what is really going on inside and around us.

We go to movies and watch television shows without ever evaluating what messages they are giving us. As Christians we basically tell ourselves that as long as there is no nudity and the violence isn't too graphic that it is a perfectly wholesome movie or television show. But is it really? Is there actually anything on T.V. or at the movies that doesn't attack our Christian values or tear down the culture in some subtle way?

We listen to music and don't even pay attention the lyrics. As long as there are no explicit lyrics we tell ourselves they are fine. But are the lyrics painting a false picture of what love or reality is?

We spend more time on facebook socializing than we do in person with people. Are we actually communicating and building relationships this way? We sit and text Suzy the entire time we are having coffee with Johnny. We talk on the phone while we are at the check out line at the grocery store barely even acknowledeging the check out person.

We have our kids enrolled in so many activities and work so much that we are lucky to sit down and have dinner as a family once a week. When we sit down and have conversations with people they mainly consist of gossip and the latest episode of LOST or the OFFICE or what Beyonce is singing about. Rarely are conversations meaningful and life changing.

We have forgotten how to pray, how to relate, how to think and use our reason, and how to engage the culture.

I'm not saying watching movies and listening to music is bad or that facebook is the devil or that cell phones are evil or that we should not talk about LOST or the Office with our friends. But I am saying that we need to evaluate what we take in, oursleves, and how we approach our relationships. We need to take our minds with us when we go places or sit in front of the T.V. Our reason and faith need to be used in conjunction with one another to evaluate the culture and engage it.

We have to look inside ourselves. We have to figure out what the sins are we struggle with. We have to work at building virtue. We may not like what we see if we really evaluate ourselves but that's ok, that is why God gives us grace and mercy. We don't like to do this because this may mean we have to change and give up things in our lives that we enjoy. To be a Christian means to be counter-cultural. How do we do this?

We have to look around and us as well and challenge the world to change. I'm not saying be judgmental. I am saying though to fight against the things in this world that are constantly in oposition from reclaiming a Christian worldview and culture. How do we do this?

I'm not sure how exactly to do all these things. If I had the answers I would already be doing them. I'm by no means perfect. I'm a victim of the culture as well but lately I've been really thinking about this stuff a lot more. I've been driving around in my car without music lately and it has given me a lot more time to be reflective. I'm coming to realize how much I need to change and grow in virute but I'm also coming to realize how unhappy people and our world are. How much we are rationalizing our actions. How much we have completely lost use of our reason. We are fooling ourselves into thinking we are "enlightened" and "free". Society has decided that there is no God simply to justify their own immoral behavior. I would venture to say there there are very few Athiests out there that actually believe there is no God, they actually just tell themeselves that so they can sleep at night.

If we actually used our reason and intellect in its fullest capacity we would come to realize that we need God, we need to change, and we are created for a much higher purpose. We aren't created to be society's drones, but that is what we are becoming. How do we fight it?

Randomness

2009-02-25T12:06:00.002-07:00

So I've decided I need to blog but have a million ideas and can't seem to decide on one main thing. So Its time for another random rant.

1. I'm completely and totally in love. Mary Beth is pretty much the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am beyond excited to see what God does in our lives. I'm learning so much about myself and coming to experience a peace in my life I have never felt.

2. I'm loving school more than I thought I would this semester. Its been tough but somehow I'm finding a grace to get things done and I am not nearly as stressed as I have been other semesters. My Thesis is coming together and It is looking like I should be completely done with it in a few weeks.

3. I'm slightly nervous about the future. I'm really hoping that I'm back in Wichita this fall. I'm praying and trying to stay open to other possibilities but my heart keeps being drawn back there. It is going to be completely different than the first time but I'm really feeling called. I just pray for patience while the whole job thing gets figured out. Also pray I can help find Mary Beth a job if I get a job there.

4. I'm getting really excited about another summer of Totus Tuus. I've interviewed some amazing people thus far and can't wait to see who ends up teaching for us. I'm also super pumped that Drew Maly, Clay, and Brett are all applying along with the fact that Josh is coming back.

5. My family is coming to town to go skiing this weekend. I'm really excited for that and the fact that they get to meet Mary Beth.

6. Mary Beth's parents want to meet me so they are flying us both down to Austin, Texas for a weekend in March to meet them.

7. Mary Beth and I are taking a road trip to Wichita for Easter. I am incredibly excited to have her meet everyone there.

8. I've been working on my practicum helping developp curriculum for a small group discipleship youth ministry model with Jim Beckman, Steve Nepil, and Dave Merrick. This has been amazing. All three of them are amazing men who are so knowledgeable and it is a huge blessing to get to work with them. Especially with Jim. This guy is a stud when it comes to Youth Ministry. He has seen and done it all and it is incredible to be able to learn from this guy.

9. This is going to be a really tough Lent but I'm excited for it at the same time. Get your game faces on!

10. I've been feeling incredibly greatful lately for all the amazing people in my life God had blessed me with. I have a loving family, incredible mentors, and the most amazing friends a guy could ask for. I'm becoming increasingly aware of how amazing this is. God has truly blessed me and I am not always as thankful as I should be for all these people.

Ok so that was a lot of randomness. I have some political rants and some deeper stuff to reflect on but I'll save that for another day. I figure I would just keep this one positive and thank God for all the great blessings going on in my life right now.

The Battle Within

2009-02-10T10:16:00.003-07:00

Over the past week I was assigned to read sections from The Confessions by St. Augustine. This is the second time I've read it, but this time I didn't have to read the whole thing in a week so I was able to read it slowly and in the presence of Christ in the Eucharist. The last time I read it the thing that stuck out to me the most was St. Monica and her perseverance in prayer for the conversion of her son. This time, as I continue to reflect on conversion in my own life what has really stuck out is St. Augustine's genuine disgust and horror for the sins of his past.

Sin is an interesting thing. Whenever I commit it I definetally find myself feeling horrible about it and running to confession. But on the same token I always find myself drawn back to it. The devil, the world, and the flesh have a very interesting way of making it look so stinking attractive. Yet the result is always the same, instead of giving me some sort of joy or pleasure it ends with feeling horrible about myself and standing in the confession line. It amazes me how much Augustine hated sin once he had his conversion. And this guy had seen and done it all. He had this amazing internal struggle and fought with God and himself in a way that I think most of us can relate to. The difference is once God got a hold of him there was no more sitting on the fence and when God won, Augustine gave him his entire life and never looked back. Granted it took him a while to get there but his conversion is one of the most fascinating conversion stories I've ever heard. I guess it is because I feel like I can relate to it so well.

How many of us have "conversions" and yet there is still a part of us that wants to cling to that old way of life? I know I struggle with it. I wish I could say I have eradicated all the sins that I struggled with from before my conversion. But that is not the case. I still fight the battle every day. Sin still looks attractive. Yeah I know its wrong and I dislike sin, but I don't HATE it the way Augustine did. The interesting thing is though I HATE it in others. When someone I truly care about is making poor decisions and struggling it tears my heart a part. It kills me and I pray my butt off for them, much like St. Monica did for Augustine. I sometimes think to myself man if it sucks this much when one of my teens from Wichita or here in Denver struggles how much is it going to suck when I have my own kids and they struggle with sin. Which makes me think, how much more does it upset God when I sin then. If I can be in that much pain over someone who isn't even my son or daughter because of the sins they struggle with, how much more is God hurt over what I do. It is easy to feel pain over the sins of others, but I need to look at myself the same way.

The thing with sin is its not easy to overcome. Thank God for His infinite mercy which I cling to everyday. I know I've had a conversion and truly strive to live for Christ but I have to remember that conversion is a daily process. I hope and pray that I can get to a point like Augustine that sin isn't something I merely dislike and try not to commit but something I LOATHE because it offends the one I call my best friend, Jesus.

An Ode To Those Who Have Shown Me Christ

2009-02-03T10:59:00.003-07:00

This weekend back in my home town of Rockford, IL there will be another Kyrios Retreat taking place. Kyrios 35 to be exact. For those who are not familiar with Kyrios, it is a parish retreat for teens. Kyrios is in many ways responsible for the man I am today.

This morning on my drive to work I was praying and reflecting on my life and reflecting on the conversion moments in my life. In this year of St. Paul I've been thinking about conversion a lot and how greatful I am that God showed me his face in a way that forever changed me so many years ago. But with that comes a general sense of incredible gratefulness for the people God used and placed in my life to show me who He was.

It was January of 1996 and I was a mess. I had had a huge falling out with my friends at school. I was lonely and miserable. At the time I was in confirmation class that was meeting at the Hoffman's, Russ and his wife Helen were our leaders. In that class was a friend from middle school, J.P. Meyers. Ironically enough I had ditched him in middle school because I thought I was too "cool" for him and he was too much of a nerd. Russ had a huge impact on me and had opened my heart to things of the faith in ways I hadn't been before. Because of him I was ripe for the taking. J.P. invited me to come to High School Youth Group, what was then Peer Ministry at the Parish. Even though I had been a jerk to him in the past he extended the invitation and I accepted it. We became friends again for the rest of High School and the first couple years of college. We lost touch after wards but it was merely a loosing track of each other, not a falling out. Thank you Lord for Russ and J.P. whereever they are.

Like I said I accepted J.P.'s invitataion and showed up. I was instantly welcomed into the group. At first I thought all the praying was wierd but the fact that they welcomed me with open arms and invited me to start hanging out with them outside the group instantly showed me there was something different about them and I wanted it! Those first few weeks I became friends with MaryJo, Giz, and Amy. They welcomed me in and showed me Christ in such a subtle way, simply through their welcoming spirit. Thank you Lord for MaryJo, Giz and Amy!

As the months went on I got more involved and met more people. I found a community and then that summer I eventually made a Kyrios. It was Kyrios #7. I met Mary Garbe, now Doestch who to this day is one of my best friends. I met Melissa who became part of my family and I part of hers and had the honor of reading at her wedding last summer. I met Mike. We hated each other at first but now has become one of my best friends. I met Brianna and Nicole. I don't know where they are these days or even if they believe in God anymore but they are a big part of why I'm Catholic today. I met Bill and Dave and a whole mess of other people that became examples to me of Faith and challeneged me to always live my faith and persevere. Most importantly I met Christ. I encountered the person of Christ in every one of these people and powerfully experienced His love in the Sacraments. Thank you Lord for the Kyrios community, especially Melissa, Mike, Mary, and Bill who continue to be a huge source of support for me.

I spent the last two years of High School actively being a part of the Peer Ministry team and continuing to grow in my Faith. Len and Colleen became huge mentors for me. They challeneged me to grow and taught me how to give talks, challeneged me to pray and even made me ask the hard questions. To this day I will never forget the day I was talking to them and told them I really wanted to study Theater and was dead set on it. They turned to me and asked me if that was what God wanted? It forced me to take that question to prayer and really ask Him. Turns out it wasn't what He wanted. I largely thank God for His work through them because it was them answering God's call to be in ministry and develop Kyrios that is the reason I am where I am today. Lord Thank you For Len and Colleen!

There are so many more people I could thank God for putting in my life. I'm sorry if I didn't mention you but know that everyone from the Kyrios community has a special place in my heart and always will.

Today I am hundreds of miles from Rockford. I haven't served on a Kyrios in almost 5years but every time one approaches I pray for it. I may not always write a prayer letter for them but I do pray because I would not be who I am without Kyrios and Holy Family Youth Ministry.

As Kyrios 35 approaches I will be praying and ask all of you to pray this weekend as well because who knows how many lives will be touched and changed in the way mine was 13 years ago.

"Apart From Me You Can Do Nothing"

2009-01-27T10:17:00.002-07:00

My semester officially started last week. So far things have kicked into high gear right away. There has been absolutely no messing around. Last Thursday my day started with 9:00a.m. mass at St. Thomas More and then I spent the day with Steve, Jim Beckman, and Dave. Dave and Steve are two friends and classmmates and Jim is a Youth Minister in the area who started a place called the Impact Center which is a resource center for Youth Ministers. Jim is an amazing holy guy who I am learning a lot from. Well Jim asked us to help him with a project. He is currently developping a discipleship model of Youth Ministry. There are currently two parishes in the Denver area piloting this model. It is a program that is based on small group bible studies in which teens are placed in a group with volunteer leaders. So far it is proving to be very successful for the two parishes pioloting the program. So anyway, I digress I spent the day helping Jim write curriculum for the studies as well as a curriculum for the training of the Youth Ministers across the country that want to implement this model.

After a full day of that I headed to class. Moral and Spiritual Theology with Dr. Sri. This class is going to kick my butt this semester. I also had a slight freak out during this class. We began the class talking about Prayer and how we can get the most out of the class. With that came our reading list. I'll say this, normally in Dr. Sri's classes I'll admit I don't do the reading because I haven't had time and everything is based on the notes. This class will be very different. We have to keep a reading log of all the assignments. The log requieres we grade ourselves on the following scale: 1- I did not finish the reading, 2- I did all the reading but read it rushed and unprayerfully, 3- I did all the reading slowly and prayerfully. WOW, I thought this is going to kick my butt. At that moment as I was looking at the list I started to slightly panic about how much was there, the fact that I had a Thesis due, reading for Dr. Reye's class, a take home for my Paul Class, two papers to write aside from the Thesis, all the stuff going on at work, and just how basically this next semester is going to kill me. I left the class freaking out about how much I suck at being Holy and how there is no way I would survive this semester.

I got home and was in a terrible mood and was ready to throw in the towel. I stopped, breathed and realized the only thing I could think of to do was to go pray. So I went to adoration. I said Evening prayer followed by a Novena to Our Lady of the Miraculous Medal I'm praying with Nick Seiler and then I journaled for a bit. I then picked up our first assignment for Dr. Sri. A book called: SEARCHING FOR AND MAINTAINING PEACE by Fr. Jacques Philippe. Our assignment is to read one section of it every day for the whole semester (one of many others of course). Each section is fairly short. Dr. Sri asked us to read it slowly, prayerfully and meditate on it. So I decided that is exactly what I would do. I read the first section and man did it kick my butt. The key part of the meditation focused on the words of Jesus, "Apart from me you can do nothing!" This is exactly what I needed to hear! This is why I was freaking out, I was trying to do this all on my own. There is no way I'm going to get through this semester if I try and do it all myself! I will only get through this with God's grace. I need to learn to move to the promptings of the Holy Spirit and as the the song "Your Love is Extravagant Says," I need to find myself moving to the rythms of His grace!

So I have continued everyday since that spending 30-45 minutes in adoration reading through the reading assignments we've had for this week. I've continued in the Peace book and also read some of the most amazing writings of Mother Theresa and Fr. Dubay. The most beautiful part about it is, that I'm finding myself really reflecting on the readings and taking them to heart. I feel like I'm having very intimate conversation with my Lord. For the first time in my life I am learning to truly meditate in prayer. I mean I have done it before but I'm taking the time to do it regularly. For the longest time it seems like I looked at prayer as a check list: mass, check, Liturgy of the Hours, check, Rosary, check. And I was doing all these things and don't get me wrong they are all good things and I'm still doing those daily but I am starting to realize the necessity of meditation, in other words real conversation with my Lord. That conversation involves not only talking but LISTENING. Something so many of us forget. I'm so excited for this semester now. We will be reading Augustine, St. Therese, St. John of the Cross, Catherine of Sienna, and St. Theresa of Avila. I'm really pumped to see how God continues to speak to me through all these incredible Saints and witnesses.

Of course I'm sure it will be a struggle. I won't feel like praying every day like I do right now and I will have to push through. But I can just feel the grace flowing right now. I hope to continue to take the words, "Apart from me you can do nothing" to heart. God is about to take me on a journey I never even imagined this last semester. It is sure to be one heck of a ride!

What Right do you Have?

2009-01-22T18:23:00.003-07:00

I was at mass today and heard a homily that got me fired up! Father was right on the money. He spoke about how our Government has their head screwed on wrong and they just don't get it! We are constantly talking about rights in our country. A woman's right to chose, the right for gays to get married, animal rights etc. Well where do rights come from? Rights come from God. A government's job is not to confer rights or take rights away. A government's job is to protect people's GOD-GIVEN rights. When a government gives someone rights or takes rights away they are usurping God's soverignty and offending Him. Remember what Jesus tells pilate? "You would have no authority had it not been given to you by my Father in Heaven." Well anytime a Government gives or takes rights away they are abusing the authority given to them by God.

We talk about a woman's right to have an abortion. Guess what? God never gave a woman that right.

We talk about two men's rights to get married to each other. Guess what? God never gave them that right.

We talk about animal rights. Guess what? God never gave animals rights!

It's time our government remembered where their authority comes from and stop handing out rights that God never gave out!

Got Hope?

2009-01-20T11:03:00.003-07:00

Today is innaguration day. Barack Obama is our new President. I'm struggling between two feelings today. One is despair and one is Hope. I'm mostly on the side of Hope but fighting the temptaion to give into the other one.

On the one side stands the feeling that I have that Barack Obama becoming President is the last nail in our country's coffin. Never have we had a man with fewer morals than this guy. Never have we had the media make such a frenzy over our President. I fear for our nation and the masses of people who are blindly following this man. So many people have put there hope in this guy. Everywhere you look there are shirts, hats, and an electricity and excitement that feels misplaced. Yes this event is Historic but I don't think it is in a good way at all. The man is using the Bible used to swear in Abraham Lincoln! Noone eles has ever used it. I mean honestly the audacity of this man! Part of me feels like I should be in mourning for our country. In a way I feel like Israel who was sent into Babylonian exile for their unfaithfulness. We are about to reap what we have sown. This is much more subtle than the Baylonian exile because people are welcoming it. People have become blind and allowed the Media to create for them a God to worship. Barak Obama has become this nation's Golden Calf. I mean is he the next President or the winner of American Idol? I have to wonder.

But on the other hand I have a tremendous feeling of Hope. And not Barack Obama Hope but the supernatural virtue of Hope. Last week I took a four day class on St. Paul. It was a brutal four days of 8 hours each to cover all of St. Paul's writings. All I have to say is this man was incredible and I can't believe I did not have a devotion to him before. It is no coincidence that our Pope Benedict XVI has declared this the year of St. Paul. St. Paul was a man well known for his rhetoric and God knows that is about all we have to go on with Mr. Obama is his fancy words. St. Paul did some terrible atrocious things before he converted. He sanctioned the stoning of the first martyr Stephen along with many other things. But St. Stephen as he was being stoned prayed for Paul's conversion. And you know what God knocked St. Paul on his butt and brought conversion to his life. If St. Paul could convert there is no doubt in my mind that Obama can convert. We as Christians have an obligation to pray for Obama's conversion. If St. Monica's prayers converted Augustine why can't our prayers convert Obama?

But even if Obama doesn't convert there is still Hope. Why? Because we as Christians are not of this world. Our Hope is not in our country, our hope is not in our President. Our Hope is in Christ! We are mearly pilgrims on a journey here. We are Heaven bound and no President is going to change that. As St. Paul wrote, "For the world in its present form is passing away" (1 Corinthians 7:31). Again, we read in Isaiah, "Lo, I am about to create a new heavens and a new earth; The things of the past shall not be remembered or come to mind." (Isaiah 65:17) The things of this world are passing. We are not meant to hold on to them. So despite the Economy crumbling, the War in Iraq, babies dying, the death penalty, the redefinition of marriage, and all the other horrible things happening, Jesus Christ is King. He will come in judgment, and in the end the things of this world will not matter. The hope that is placed in Obama will be revealed for the shallow and empty thing that it is. "At the name of Jesus ever knee should bend, of those in heaven, and on earth, and under the earth, and every tongue confess that JESUS CHRIST IS LORD, to the glory of God the Father." (Phillipians 2:10-11)

Now don't get me wrong. That doesn't mean our job as Christians is done. The fight is merely beginning. There is much to do and we have to remain faithful in the midst of all the junk that is going on. But there is a Hope that we have that noone can take from us, and that is the Hope that Jesus Christ is the King and the victor . Let us press on in battle with our King under the mantle of Our Mother. St. Paul turned the world upside down and converted the Roman Empire through his work. Folks the Roman Empire was in just as bad of shape if not worse than we are today. It is time for a New Evangelization. Let us go out and be lights in this world. Let us under the intercession of St. Paul bring the message of real HOPE to our broken and fallen nation. For our Hope is in Christ, not Obama!

To a Bright New Year!

2009-01-06T09:05:00.002-07:00

Well we are officially 6 days into 2009. To think I just got used to writing 2008 on stuff and now I have to switch to 2009. 2008 was probably one of the toughest and hardest years for me yet but at the same time had some of the best moments I could imagine. I struggled a lot with my prayer life and really struggled to trust God in so many ways. I felt very broken and alone at a lot of points throughout the year. I had moments of intesne heartache as I watched my best friend friend deal with the death of a parent and there were days my heart physically ached cause I couldn't see or be around the people I left behind in Wichita. I was made to face my vocation straight in the face and struggle with the question in more intense a way than I had in the past. I had to struggle through readings, papers, and tests. I fell more times than I can count. I found myself in confession more times than I think I ever have in a year. God broke me. He pushed me in ways I didn't think I'd ever be pushed. Yes it was a tough year but It was also a beautiful year filled with so many blessings. I had my crosses but I also had my resurrections. Here are some of the many amazing moments of 2008:

1. Joe's Wedding in Indiana: Seeing a close friend and brother get married and getting to spend time with Guy, Kip, Seth, Sean, Shawn, Stidham, and many other household brothers and friends.

2. Many great late night talks with Dave.

3. Totus Tuus Training: Seeing all my hard work come to fruition and being so proud to have Devin, Josh, and Blake there teaching. It was such a blessing for God to allow me to see a small amount of the fruit He had used me to produce while in Wichita.

4. Franciscan LEAD

5. Mary's Wedding in Rockford

6. Melissa's Wedding in Nashville

7. Josh, Drew, Scott, Ben, Justin, Kyle, Clay, and Garett coming out to visit and spending a weekend in Estes with them.

8. The Jack Johnson concert at the Red Rocks

9. Getting to visit my brothers in New Orleans after two years of not getting to go down there.

10. Thanksgiving in Wichita

11. My cousin Fernando's wedding in Miami and getting to see family there I hadn't seen in ten years.

12. My trip home for Christmas and the 2nd annual Wine and Cheese Party at my parent's house.

13. Having Hugh move out here and having some good times hanging out with him.

14. Building my Peer Ministry Team at the Parish. What an awesome group of teens that have just grown in faith and leadership in leaps and bounds since I first met them.

15. Last but not least, starting to date an amazing girl! I'm excited to see what God does with this.

So here I stand on the threshhold of 2009. So far it has started with a bang! A great New Years Day with Mary Beth, lunch with four of the LEAD guys on Friday, a visit from Blake and Josh that included a TT teacher reunion and a day of skiing. Things are really looking good. I know there will be tough times however. God will continue to break me and challenge me in ways I can't imagine. But I am confident He will continue to pour out His blessings. I have one semester left of Graduate school. I have a thesis to write, jobs to apply for, another summer of Totus Tuus to prepare for, and an amazing girl to focus on. I don't know what this year will bring, but I do know that God is in control and in a way that is a reality I have come to accept more than ever in the past year. I learned it the hard way but I also feel more free than I have in a long time. In the past month I feel like I finally have friends here. I am honestly the happiest I've been in a long time. Probably the happiest I've been since I moved here. But I know struggles are coming and stress will abound as I try and finish my last semester. I ask everyone for prayers with school and that God would guide my new relationship in the direction He wants it to go. Happy New Year all! May 2009 be filled with many blessings for all of you!

"Johnny Went From Being Single to In a Relationship"

2008-12-30T11:14:00.006-07:00

For those of us who have Facebook how many times have we seen this little advertisement in our news feed? For me who happens to be friends with several teenagers and college students on facebook due to having taught for several years I see it almost multiple times a day. It's sad how many relationships people seem to go through these days. People seem to think that being in High School and College is about going through as many relationships as possible in order to find one self and figure out what you truly want in a relationship. On the contrary however, all this does to many people is cause them to fail to understand what a relationship really means and in many cases leads them down a path of self destructive behavior that will ultimately damage their chances at a real and faithful marriage. Of course this is not the case with every single individual but it does have an effect.

The reason I bring this up is not to get into a full blown discussion on chastity or proper dating habbits but to truly look at and understand the term "relationship". We have forgotten what this means because we live in an individualistic culture in which we have become selfish and we are primarily looking out for number 1. The idea of relationship begins with the Trinity. The Trinity is a communion of persons. God who is infinite and perfect in His perfect love begets the Son and the love between the Father and Son is the Holy Spirit. This is relationship. A total giving of self to the other. This is what our families are called to image and imitate. It is no suprise that in today's culture people have become selfish because that is what they learn from their families. Parents have either not been taught properly or have failed at trying to imitate the Trinity within their own families. We fail to see that any sort of relationship takes work in order for it to be a good one. We have to cultivate it and work at it. Those of you who are married and have a good relationship know you have to work at it and you have to put effort into continuing to keep the flame alive. All of us have friends and we know that in order for our friendships to remain close we have to work at them. I am close to my friends because I maintain contact with them through calls and e-mails and visits. This costs work and money but I do it because I have a bond with them and they are important to me. I also just recently started dating someone and have dated a couple other girls in the past and know that If I want a relationship to work, it takes work. But If I see those relationships in the light of Christ it doesn't feel like work and it helps me to understand that I don't bail on the relationships when the going gets tough or when things aren't going my way.

This whole concept of skewed relationships is also the reason I think people have issues with the Church. I had a long conversation with my Dad while I was home for Christmas. He has a lot of issues with the Church. These issues have bled into him doubting that God even exists and wondering why so many rules exist in the Church. He finds them too unrealistic in todays world to even try and follow them. He asked me how it is I can follow so faithfully? I told him that I do struggle and don't always live the rules as faithfully as I should but that bottom line is that I don't look at the rules as rules. I don't follow the Church, I follow Christ. I follow the Church because I follow Christ. I find it easy to agree with the rules because I have a relationship with Christ. I'm in love with a person. I have encountered a person and that person has transformed me and continues to transform me daily in ways I never thought possible. Because I have a relationship with Christ the "rules" of the Church become easy to accept. They simply just fall into place. I simply see them as guidlines for maintaining the relationship. The same is true for all of our other relationships. Dating relationships, friendships, marriages, they all have rules we just don't look at them as such because we care for the person and don't want to do anything to hurt them.

In that conversation with my Dad I realized him like so many others in our world are victims of being simply introduced to the Church as an institution and a set of traditions we must follow. He was simply never introduced to the person of Christ and given the chance to truly enter into relationship with Him. So many people have simply been given the truth without love and without relationship. Truth without these two things leads to rebellion. Truth without these two things leads to a poor understanding of relationships in general. If people don't have a relationship with Christ they aren't going to work at cultivating their faith and naturally they won't pray and will fall away from the Church. It is no wonder relationships in our world are a mess, it is because people do not have a relationship with Christ!

"The definitive aim of catechesis is to put people not only in touch but in communion, in intimacy, with Jesus Christ: only He can lead us to the love of the Father in the Spirit and make us share in the life of the Holy Trinity." CT 5

The above quote comes from one of the many documents of JP II. This is where we must begin our work in transforming the culture. We must put our efforts into introducing people to the PERSON of Christ. Once people are "In a Relationship with Jesus Christ" everything else will fall into place, the rules of the Church and their other human relationships. Only then will our culture be radically transformed!

Merry Christmas Everyone! May the joy of the Incarnation lead you all to a deepening of your relationship with Christ!

Keeping Christ in Christmas!

2008-12-17T09:22:00.004-07:00

When I was in 7th grade I was grounded for two weeks right around Christmas time. It was because I went hunting around the house for Christmas presents and found them. Well it wasn't so much that I found the presents but that I found them in two very large cardboard boxes that had ben duct taped shut. When I peeled the duct tape off I wasn't smart enough to put the duct tape back on.

I look back on that and laugh now. I was so concerned with what presents I was getting as a child that I don't think I ever really thought about the true meaning of Christmas. I mean don't get me wrong it is still tough even today to get distracted. It is now the 3rd week of Advent and I don't think I've ever felt this out of it spiritually during advent, at least not since the days of hunting for presents once I figured out Santa wasn't real. (To clarify that was long before 7th Grade!). I don't know what it is this time around but I'm just not feeling at all in the Christmas mood. My prayer life hasn't necisarily been terrible. It hasn't been great but it hasn't been bad. Honestly for some reason all the cultural stuff with Christmas has been bugging me a lot more this time around.

It drives me nuts that people who are not even Christian celebrate this Holiday. It drives me crazy that we put more emphasis on sales, Santa, and Frosty the Snow man than we do on Christ. In front of the chancery in Denver there is this big lights display that has a light up nativity scene and then a light up sign that says KEEP CHRIST IN CHRISTMAS. The ironic part of it is that when I drove by it the other night the lights for the word Christ for the letters HRS are all out. So the sign reads more like KEEP CIT in Christmas. As I saw that I thought to myself wow, how perfectly ironic. Christ is barely visible in the sign just like He is barely visible in our culture today.

So my question is how do we as Christians defend it? On our last day of finals Jon and I were driving back to the house and noticed a Church marquee sign when we were stopped at an intersection that read: "Christmas is not a date but a state of mind and heart!" I wanted to vomit! That is such crap. How are we as Christians supposed to fight for the true reality that is Christmas when there are even Christians among us who don't get it. Christmas is a REAL, HISTORICAL event! Benedict XVI when he was Cardinal Rarzinger said that when you take History out of the equation all you are left with is Gnosticism. Christmas is not a feeling or state of mind! It is a real Historical event in that took place in History. It is a moment that transformed time and eternity forever! If it is not a date, then it doesn't mean anything! We celebrate the moment in History that as St. John puts it, "THE WORD WAS MADE FLESH"! GOD BECAME MAN! Have we ever stopped to really think about that. I mean we hear it all the time but have we really thought about it? It is mind boggling! And this actually happened! This took place at a definitive moment in History.

There is a HUGE supernatural reality that our culture fails to see. We are about to celebrate something so incredible that I can't believe we aren't all sitting in awe in prayer during this great feast. In stead we go insane with all the preparations and are more concerned with presents than anything else. I love my family and I LOVE celebrating with them but if I don't make a serious effort to take time and be spiritual on Christmas it doesn't happen with them. That is why every year for I don't know how long I always leave the house for Christmas Eve about an hour before the rest of my family just so I can get to the Church and sit in silence with my King before the craziness of the night ensues. That honestly is my favorite moment of Christmas. It is just me and Jesus in the quiet of the Church before the people start filing in for mass. And it makes all the difference in the world.

But is that enough? How do we enage the culture and change these false perception? How do we get people to come to conversion and realize that what they are celebrating is the feast of their Savior coming to save them? How do we get people to realize the greatest present they are recieving on Christmas is Christ himself? How do we get people to step back from the hustle and bustle and take time to just be with the King of Kings? How do we create authentic Catholic culture in general but especially surrounding Christmas?

I just pray I can focus more on prayer and the true meaning and not get sucked into all the distractions myself. Blessed rest of Advent to you all and Merry Christmas! Let us all remember this year that great Historical event that has transformed everything we are!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

2008-12-16T15:00:00.002-07:00

I'm so sick of teaching 7th grade confirmation at the school! These kids are a bunch of brats with no self-control. I'm at my wits end. I honestly don't know how to work with them. I have such a hard time being Christ-Like with them. I feel absolutely helpless around them. I feel worse than a first year teacher around them. I need some serious insight and grace here. I gotta kick up the prayers to love these little hudlums more. Thank God for two weeks away from them!

Letting Go

2008-12-02T10:22:00.003-07:00

I just got back two days ago from another amazing trip to Wichita. This trip however was different. God spoke to me in a different way while I was there. It was still an amazing week, it was just different.

I arrived on the Friday before Thanksgiving and went straight to Bishop Carroll. I got there in the middle of 7th hour and went and said hi to teachers and students. It was great to be there but it was different. In a lot of ways it still felt like home, comfortable and familiar, but in a lot of ways it felt different. There were now two entire classes of students who had no idea who I was. I knew none of the Freshmen or Sophomores. There is only a handful of Juniors and Seniors there that know me. A huge chunk of the staff I had worked with is no longer there. That over excited welcome I recieved from the school last year had diminished. There was still those few that were every excited to see me and I them but the number of people that knew me had greatly diminished.

The number of people I saw this time around was also less. I still did a lot of running around and tried to spend time with a lot of people, but it was a lot less. I have started losing touch with certain people, mainly former students. And frankly thats ok. I still miss them and pray for them daily but I didn't feel the need to make sure I spent every waking moment trying to catch up with every person I have ever met in Wichita.

The time I did spend with people though felt better and more quality than it had before. I left so impressed with how much my boys had grown up. The boys that were sophmores when I left are now Seniors and I still have a hard time believing they will be graduating this year. It still kills me a little bit that I can't be around for their Senior year but I'm realizing how much they are really starting to make life and their faith their own and am blown away by how the conversations between us while still funny and sarcastic at times are more mature.

The time I spent with the boys who were graduating before I left and are now college sophmores was even more impressive to me. The conversations we had were much more real and much more candid. I honestly felt like I was hanging out with friends and not former students.

Spending time with my young adult friends was also great but things had changed there also. Kids running around, new faces, less drama, people that were married that hadn't been when I left. Still a few socially awkward people but I found even those a little more tolerable than I had before.

Then there was the conversation with Fr. Jarrod. This was pivotal. I finally came to the realization that returning to Bishop Carroll may not happen next year. Its not out of the realm of possibilites but there is no gauruntee that will happen. And you know what, I'm actually ok with that. Another key conversation that happened for me was with Barb Pianalto. I love this woman, she just has a way of making and keeping things so clear and real. I realized in that conversation that I cannot have back what I had before. Life has changed, Carroll has changed, I have changed. Even if I go back to Carroll I cannot recreate what once was. I have to be open to the possibility that God might be leading me some place else. Maybe I'm supposed to be at Kaupan, maybe I'm supposed to work at a Parish or for the diocese, maybe I'm supposed to work in a completely different city. I want to go home and being back at Carroll is still my dream but its because it is comfortable. Maybe God is planning something completely different. All I know is that He's in control and I want to be open to whatever He has in store. It is a little scary not knowing what will happen but it is also so exciting to know the possibilites are endless come May.

This last week I finally let go of my former life in Wichita. It was the first time I came back to Denver and didn't cry. I'm not letting go of the possibility of being back in Wichita but I know that if I am back there it will be a new start. Round 2 will be much different than round one. I'm not letting go of friendships just putting God more in control of them. I came to realize that no matter where I end up Wichita will always have a special place in my heart, I will always go back to visit, and the relationships I built there will continue to last a life time.

I also ask all of you for your prayers as I enter the last week of classes and finals. Pray for me and my thesis and my last semester. Also pray that God would send me where He wants me. I'm applying to places here in Denver, Wichita, Kansas City, New Orleans, and I think I might even apply in Rockford. Bottom line God is in control. I know what I want but I want God to take that desire from me if its not what He wants. I desire His will and His will alone!

Time For A Catholic Revolution

2008-11-18T11:28:00.003-07:00

This past election really convicted me of some things. I've been doing a lot of thinking, praying, and reflecting, particularly on Truth and Niceness.

Lets make one thing clear people, Jesus was NOT nice. He was LOVING! In today's culture people seem to think there is no difference. WRONG! Being loving does not being tolerant of everyone's relativistic behavior. Folks Truth exists and we need to preach it in love, but not nicely. Love means doing things and telling people things they need to hear for their good. Especially the good of their own soul. When I was teaching and a student was disrespectful to me I told them they were and I wasn't nice about it, it was loving because that is a life skill they need to learn, but it wasn't nice! Preaching the truth and fighting for it is going to cause lots of people to be pissed off at you. Well guess what I don't give a shit anymore. People want to be pissed go a ahead be pissed. It is time we as Catholics bannded together and started fighting for the truth no matter what the cost.

The problem in today's culture is not that there are more people out there against us than are for us. Not it is that those who are against us are much louder than we are. Well its time we got loud and told them how it was. Funny that the second propostion 8 passed in California thousands of people in the gay community were marching on the streets protesting. I hate to say it but that is one thing that we as Catholics can learn from the Gay community. Why do we not hit the streets in protest the second legistlation that is blatantly against the culture of life is passed? I would hope that if the Freedom of Choice Act is passed our butts are on the street marching in protest. Hell I'm willing to sit on the capital steps and get hauled off in hand cuffs if that passes!

We cannot be silent any longer. There is too much at stake. Going to the polls is not enough. We have to get involved in the community. We have to hold those we elect accountable. We have to be louder than those who are opposed to Truth.

I'm not just talking about the Abortion issue here but all facets of truth! The first one being: Jesus Christ is Lord! The Second set being fighting for EVERYTHING He holds dear.

It is time to go out and help the poor.

It is time to become active in the Pro-Life Movement by volunteering at Crisis pregnancy centers.

It is time get our knees and pray like never before.

It is time to educate people on what marriage really is.

It is time to educate people on the evils of contraception.

It is time to educate people on the evils of pornography.

It is time to educate people on the evils of sexual impurity.

It is time to acknowledge that Evil exists, there is such thing as sin, and there is such thing as right and wrong.

It is time to rally behind our priests and Bishops who are not afraid of the restrictions of the tax exempt status and preach the TRUTH no matter what the cost.

It is time to be Catholic OUT LOUD! The Cafeteria is CLOSED folks! Either embrace and love EVERYTHING the Church teaches or don't call yourself Catholic, cause you're not!

If every Catholic in this country made their voice heard, formed their conscience properly, lived what it truly meant to be Catholic, and LOVED we would control this entire country. Every politician would be answering to us and Truth would start to be reclaimed. If we don't fight back, if we do not bring the truth to a world who has lost it noone will.

If something in this post offended you, too bad maybe its time to check in with God and your conscience. I'm not judging you nor does this mean I don't love you, on the contrary it is because I love you that I write this. It simply means I'm speaking the truth and I'm not going to be nice about it. Jesus wasn't, why should I be!

Living in the Land of the Lost

2008-11-11T12:08:00.004-07:00

Life has definetally been crazy the last couple weeks. I spent all of Halloween weekend working on a paper, that is finally done thank the Lord. Then there was the sadness of election day. I honestly am still trying to deal with the fact that we have elected the man that we have to run this country. I'm praying for him and I'm going to try my best to wish him well but I have never been more scared for the future of this country.

The day after the election I boarded a plane and headed down to Miami for my cousin Fernando's wedding. I had an amaing time this past weekend. I saw family I hadn't seen in ten years a long with other family I hadn't seen in about two years. We laughed, we cried, we drank, we feasted, we just soaked in every moment and enjoyed each other's company.

It was the ritziest wedding I've ever been to. I felt like I was in an episode of life styles of the Rich and Famous all weekend. The rehearsal dinner on Thursday was a rehearsal cocktail party at my Aunt's house. There were waiters and bartenders there and some very expensive appetizers. The wedding on Friday was beautiful but also very lavish. The reception was at the Biltmore Hotel (one of the most expensive hotels in Miami), we had nothing but top shelf liquors, duck was the main course, and we danced like crazy. Saturday the Bride's family had us over for a BBQ. This was not a Hamburger and Hot Dog BBQ, no once again wiaters and waitresses, full bar, and Argentinian Sausage along with different cuts of steak. Lets just say I ate and drank very well this past weekend.

It was a blast and an honor to share in my cousin's special day and spend such a great time with family.

As much fun as it was, I'm glad its over. I always have an amazing time with my family but am always glad when its time to come home. It is so hard not being able to share the most important part of my life with them. Sure they all claim to be Catholic and I don't want to judge them but to them it is simply a cultural thing. My cousin had a Catholic wedding even though neither he nor his wife practice the faith or have been to mass in who knows how long simply because the mothers insisted they have a Church wedding. I don't judge them or think less of them, its just frustrating when something I percieve as so sacred and profound is not looked at like that by the people closest to you.

I wish I could talk theology with my family. I wish we could pray together and more than just a simple prayer before meals. I wish we could honestly look out for each other's growth in Holiness. It hurts to listen to stories of my brother's and cousins' sexual escapades. They talk about strip clubs, pornography, one night stands, and sex with their girlfriends like these things are a natural part of life and every man is entitled to take part in these things. Not that its a surprise, I know this is how they live their lives, and that much of the world agrees with these actions, but it is still spiritually draining to be around it and it brings sadness to my heart that the sacredness of sex and the dignity of women is lost on them. Not to mention I am a weak person and need people in my life holding me accountable to purity and it sucks knowing that my family would encourage that behavior instead of calling me to greatness with those things.

I guess what it boils down to is this: I love my family with my whole heart. I would do ANYTHING for them. I have a blast with them when we get together. But this past visit to Miami also brought out some feelings I've had for years out a little more. I feel like my family is lost like so much of our culture. Truth is subjective to them, not objective. There is always a part of me that feels out of place when I'm around them. I don't know how to engage them and make them think about how they live. I don't know how to challenge them to greatness. I don't know how to get them to realize that their souls are in danger without them thinking that I'm judging them or making them think I'm rejecting them as a person simply because I reject their actions. Bottom line: I guess I realized I need to pray for my family more than ever this weekend. There is so much goodness in them. The basics and the foundation is there they just live certain things out in a disordered way and don't get the whole picture.

I pray and hope in this year of St. Paul that conversion would come upon the hearts of my family, my heart, and our world!

The Light Starts to Enter the Tunnel

2008-10-29T15:01:00.005-06:00

Today is Wednesday, October 29, 2008 and this is my first official post on this blog site. All the other posts were originally published on my Myspace blog. That blog is no more, or at least will be in a few short days. I've decided to get rid of Myspace and just stick with Facebook.

Life is a funny thing. A few posts ago I posted on the difficulties and struggles I'm currently having. I don't want to say that I'm no longer struggling with those things but it is definetally getting better. I think the trip to New Orleans was just what I needed. Quality time with Guy and Matt always seems to put things back into perspective for me. I honestly don't know what I would do without those two in my life. They are truly my brothers and I have been incredibly blessed to have them in my life for 8 years now. WOW how time flies. The trip was much more relaxed and chill than usual. I think it is a combination of the fact that I've gotten most of the crazy party side of me out of my system by now and part of it is that Matt is married with one kid out of the womb and another on the way. And Guy, well he's a lawyer working 60-70 hours a week so he's not much in the drinking mood either. But I actually really enjoyed the fact that the trip was so chill. All I was looking for was quality time with my brothers and that is exactly what I got.

Since coming back I have been going crazy with school and work. Life sure as hell never seems to slow down. I'm definetally hitting the stress out and freak out point with school. I have two big papers, a thesis that needs to be worked on way more than it has, and finals all before Christmas. Now Christmas seems like its far away still right? And in a certain sense it is, but when I look at it this way it seems much closer: I have the rest of this week. Then next week on Wednesday I leave for my Cousins wedding in Florida, which I'm beyond excited about, I'm going to see family members I haven't seen in ten years! I get back from that and then two weeks of class before I'm off to Wichita to teach at the Regan Institute and Thanksgiving. Then when I get back we have a week of classes and then finals. Essentially right now I'm looking at only 3 weekends left to get work done. Sadly weekends are the only time I have to get the bulk of my work down. Week days are tough because I work and then have either class or other commitments in the evenings. So I'd say I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

However, the silver lining in all this is that I'm super excited that this is all I have left. I mean it is going to zoom by! I'm starting to feel a hope and a joy again I haven't felt for several months. Yesterday I filled out all my registration forms for my LAST SEMESTER of graduate school! I'm so pumped! I'm going to have a Masters degree in less than seven months. It seems like just yesterday I was staring down the road at two long years of studying. I'm finally starting to the point in my journey where I can see the light seeping into the tunnel. I think the fact that I'm starting to feel the crunch of time to get things done gets me pumped up. I'm a work under pressure kind of guy and when it comes to get it done or fail I get moving. I am so motivated right now and I'm starting to feel a little bit like I did when I first started school and was reading every sentence of everything that was assigned.

My Thesis topic is pumping me up. I'm writing it on the effectiveness of the Knights of the Holy Queen in ministering to Young Men in today's current cultural situation. I've sent surveys out to several of the guys as well as several parents. I've gotten several of them back and the feedback has been awesome. I also went on Amazon yesterday and spent like $150 in books for my research. I just feel so blessed to able to write about something that I'm so passionate about. I'm getting to focus on and really study something I was so involved with in Wichita and that I have seen change so many lives that it is such an honor to be able to write about it.

God continues to amaze me. In the midst of all my struggles, frustrations, my whinning, bitching, and complaining, My Father in Heaven is still so faithful. I don't fully understand what He is trying to tell me in my life at this current moment, probably cause I suck at listening, but I can sense Him working. I still feel lonely a lot. My heart still aches daily because I'm not teaching. My heart still aches daily because I miss my friends and students in Wichita, but in the midst of all that I know this is the way it has to be. Sometimes it makes me angry that this is the way it has to be but I have to continually remind myself that HE is in control and not me. I know He's got something awesome in store for me. He always does. It just sucks when He has to purify and break me to prepare me for whatever that is.

I continue to pray, I continue to trust, and I continue to embrace the struggles I'm going through with as much joy as possible. I'm not always good at that last one, but I'm trying. Please continue to pray for me! Love you all!

Bishops With Huevos!

2008-10-28T11:19:00.000-06:00

Thank you Bishop Gracida of Corpus Christi and Bishop Herman of St. Louis for saying what every other Bishop and clergy member in this country has been trying to say but is too scared to because they are afraid to lose their non for profit status!

Bishop Gracida on the radio:http://www.randallterry.com/

Bishop Robert Hermann on Voting to 'Save Our Children'By Bishop Robert Hermann10/17/2008St. Louis Review (www.stlouisreview.com)

Save our children!

More than anything else, this election is about saving our children or killing our children. This life issue is the overriding issue facing each of us in this coming election. AMBASSADORS FOR CHRIST — Bishop Robert Hermann, archdiocesan administrator, gives Communion to a student during the Holy Childhood Association Mass, celebrated Oct. 1 at the Basilica of St. Louis King of France (the Old Cathedral). The Mission Office invited Catholic schools from around the archdiocese to the Mass. The Holy Childhood Association is a Pontifical Mission Society through which children help other children in mission lands. The Mass included a commissioning ceremony, where young members were commissioned ‘Ambassadors for Christ.’ST. LOUIS, Mo (Catholic Online) - The Most Rev. Bishop Robert J. Hermann currently serves as the administrator of the Archdiocese of St. Louis, a Diocese vacated when Archbishop Raymond Burke was named to his Vatican position to preside over the global judicial system of the Catholic Church. On June 27, Pope Benedict XVI appointed me to the office of Prefect of the Supreme Tribunal of the Apostolic Signatura. This column was entitled "I Thought You Should Know" and was published in the St. Louis Review, the diocesan newspaper. Catholic Online presents this article in our continuing effort to assist our readers and viewers in informing their conscience for the vital task of exercising their "Faithful Citizenship": Save our children! More than anything else, this election is about saving our children or killing our children. This life issue is the overriding issue facing each of us in this coming election. All other issues, including the economy, have to take second place to the issue of life. Save our children! Many people in Germany supported Hitler for economic reasons even though, as his programs advanced, he put to death millions of Jewish people. He ended up wrecking the economy together with the country of Germany. How are we different if we vote for proabortion candidates for office? How can we help change our political and legal situation to protect innocent children and support a culture of life? Save our children! When I speak to some socalled good Catholics, I am shocked that they are quite ready to vote for a pro-abortion candidate under almost any circumstance. I find this hard to understand. We have heard the word "abortion" so often that perhaps we no longer associate procured abortion with the killing of children, yet that is what it is. The term itself can be misleading. The dictionary tells us that it comes from a Latin word that means "to disappear or to miscarry." Sometimes abortions simply happen because of natural causes. That is why this word abortion, for many people, apparently does not really connote the destruction of children. When a human agent induces an abortion, that human agent is taking the life of one of our children. Save our children! How can a so-called good Catholic vote for a candidate that supports laws that take the life of innocent children, when there is an alternative? If there were two candidates who supported abortion, but not equally, we would have the obligation to mitigate the evil by voting for the less-permissive candidate. Save our children! How can a so-called good Catholic vote for a candidate that supports laws that justify the killing of a child that survived a botched abortion? How can such a so-called good Catholic receive the Holy Eucharist? In Chapter 10 of St. Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians, he states: "The cup of blessing that we bless, is it not a participation in the Blood of Christ? The bread that we break, is it not a participation in the body of Christ? ... You cannot drink the cup of the Lord and also the cup of demons. You cannot partake of the table of the Lord and of the table of demons." Save our children! Have some of our so-called good Catholics become so hardened against the Gospel of Life that they believe that other issues outweigh the Gospel of Life? Have some of our so-called good Catholics put politics ahead of the Fifth Commandment, in which God states: "Thou shalt not kill"? Do some of our so-called good Catholics, who may go to Mass every Sunday and receive the Holy Eucharist, really believe that voting for a pro-abortion candidate, when there is a clear alternative and therefore no justifiable reason for so doing, is really not voting to have children killed? This election is all about saving our children! Save our children! I have no doubt that there may be some so-called good Catholics who are reading this column and who may be really angry about now. I ask the question "Why would such a person be angry?" If we do good deeds, then our conscience is at peace. If we do evil deeds, then our conscience bothers us. It is my hope that this column will lead some of our so-called good Catholics to study the Catholic Catechism. Save our children! Some of our so-called good Catholics may have hardened their hearts against the real understanding of induced abortions, that they can no longer see that this involves the destruction of our children. "If today you hear his voice, harden not your hearts!" Save our children! Supporting induced abortions is not the greatest sin in the world. A greater sin is the refusal to repent of such a serious crime or the denial that this involves the killing of innocent children. Save our children! I have used this terminology again and again penetrate the defenses of anyone who in the past may have put personal, economic or political interests above the issue of saving our children. The right to life is our most fundamental right, and to defend this right on behalf of the most vulnerable is a great privilege and is worth giving one’s life for. Policemen and firemen always risk their lives to save human life. Why should we not risk our own reputation to save our children? Save our children!You can see by now that I do not believe that this column by itself will change hearts. The issue of abortion involves serious sin, and to overcome serious patterns of sin requires grace. If you are still with me, may I suggest that you join me and many others in praying the daily Rosary from now until election day for the sake of life. Why not pray the family Rosary every night between now and the general election. The Rosary brought down the Iron Curtain. It can also help us turn around the culture of death to a culture of life. Save our so-called good Catholics who ignore Catholic moral principles when applied to our political life. Pray the family Rosary daily. Pray the family Rosary for our so-called good Catholics who could use your love and your charity. Pray for our so-called good Catholics who ignore serious Catholic moral teachings and still receive Holy Communion. Love them by praying the family Rosary for them. Don’t debate with them. Intercede for them. Praying for them is more fun than fighting with them. Save our children and save our so-called good Catholics who have abandoned Church teachings in favor of personal gain. Pray the Rosary. Pray it every day. Get the whole family to pray the Rosary daily. Prayer is more powerful than contentious arguments. Spread the word to other families. In praying the Rosary, children’s votes count as much as adult votes. Sometimes they pray with purer hearts than we do. If you are disgusted with the TV news, then turn it off and turn on the prayer Internet. What we hear in prayer leaves us in peace. When we pray for our country and for our fellow citizens, we are filled with peace. St. Paul tells us that our warfare is not against flesh and blood, but against the principalities and powers and the spirits of darkness. Prayer is our protection. Let it also be a protection for our country. If you want to make Satan angry, pray the Rosary for the sake of Life. Pray that as a nation we will choose leaders that will say ‘no’ to the culture of death and say ‘yes’ to the culture of life. Save our children! Pray the Rosary!

The Great Adventure

2008-10-28T11:13:00.002-06:00

This was published on October 22, 2008

Jeff Cavins created a Bible Study several years ago called The Great Adventure Bible Timeline Study. For those of you who have never heard of it, it is simply a brief big picture overview of the entire Bible. I remember taking part in the study the summer after my first year of teaching and then going back and incorporating information from it into my Old Testament class.
Now bear in mind this actually has very little to do with Old Testament itself rather more of what took place in those classes where Old Testament was supposed to be the subject. I'm still muddling through things I was dealing with when I posted the last blog last week so I thought it would be therapeutic as well as entertaining to my readers to post some of my favorite moments in 5 years of teaching. Some will be very funny and some will just be just plain sentimental. Chances are some of them will be moments you had to be there for, but whatever. Well, here goes, these 5 years were truly a Great Adventure!
1. Year 1: Alex Marion asks if I have ever read the Bible cover to cover. Of which I respond that I'm working on it. He replies, "Man I'd never do that unless it was one of those pocket sized versions"...enough said.
2. Year 1: I'm grading Tests. The Question is, What is the sign of the Covenant with Abraham? The student answers: Castration.
3. Year 1: I meet Nathan Jones in my 6th hour Old Testament class. Little does this kid know that he will end up being an example to me as he takes on a battle with cancer a few years later with a more faithfilled and brave attitude than I would expect anyone to, much less a 17 year old kid.
4. Year 1: A Girl in my class tells me her mother and father recently got divorced and asks me if I would like to be set up with her mom. She says I could be her new daddy. No, joke this happened!
5. Year 1: A girl in my class asks me how many more notes we have because her hand hurts. I look at her and tell her, "Well now you're back's gonna hurt cause you just pulled landscaping duty." She didn't get it, but the rest of the class did and laughed.
6. Year 2: We're discussing Abraham and circumcision again. Dante seems really disturbed by this. When I tell him he has probably been circumcised and that most males today are at birth he gets really offended. Dante thought Circumcision was the same thing as Castration.
7. Year 2: Tonette Freeman raises her hand while we were talking about Joshua and Jericho and asks, "Where the walls of Jericho man made or natural"? I being perplexed by the questions say, "Well when is the last time you saw walls spring up out of the ground?" In the back of class Blake and Andy start laughing and making fun of her. I tell them, "Calm down guys, be nice, not everyone's hamster turns the wheel as fast as others." To which Toni replies, "Huh? I don't have a Hamster, I had a Girbble once, but it died".
8. Year 2: Amanda Nyguen and Brooke Strathe would argue with me every time I handed something back. The difference: Amanda would win and usually get a higher grade, Brooke would lose. I think this resulted in Brooke hating me for a couple years after that, hahaha.
9. Year 2: Ryan Sagesar was the man you wanted in any group project I assigned. He and his group would make the most amazing and hilarious Old Testament movies. All I have to say is John Cooper + Bathsheba + Hot Tob = Very Bad idea!
10. Year 2: I taught the entire class of 2007 that year. They made my teaching experience what it was.
11. Year 2: I'm turned around at the board writing something when I hear, "Sick its all over me, disgusting". I turn around to find Eric Smeltzer sitting at his desk with a look of shock on his face and a sauce packet of Taco Bell Hot Sauce in his hands. Apparently he had been playing with it and did not expect it to explode all over the class room.
12. Year 2: Sarah Lopez and Jocelyn Rodriguez brought in Krispy Kreme Donughts and tried to pass them off as homemade Jewish Hannuka Donughts. I was never more angry and amused at the same time!
13. Year 3: Bart Voegeli and Andrew Dort in the same class. Those two thought they had Theology degrees for some reason and would argue with me about EVERYTHING. As annoying as they were some times, they definetally kept class entertaining.
14. Year 3: In my 6th hour CSD class, every time I said the word "duty" in relationship to having some sort of social responsibility it was followed by little laughs from Josh Dostert and Jared Linn and them saying "haha doodie"!
15. Year 3: I gave Eric Smeltzer a demerit for inappropriate display of affection. All because he slapped John Rice's Ass! Hands down, best demerit I ever gave!
16. Year 3: Daniel Hoffman walks by me eating a cookie (you can't have food in the hallway) right after he walks past Mr. Krotz, looks at me and says, "What a dumb ass, I can't believe he didn't see me and didn't give me a demerit." I thought to myself, wow, who is really the dumb ass? And then asked him for his demerit card. Second best demerit I ever gave.
17. Year 3: Jared Linn asks me to be his confirmation sponsor.
18. Year 4: Here comes the class of 2007 again. Zack Steffen buys me a Gonzo muppets doll to go with my nickname, Gonzo.
19. Year 4: Andy Jonas and Brett McClernon dressing like women in very immodest clothing to demonstrate how not to dress during our lesson on etiquette.
20. Year 4: Andy Jonas texting me (Wonder how he got my number? Thanks Brett!) in the middle of class saying sorry for the class' behavior and begging me to not make them stay after the bell.
21. Year 4: Taking my 5th hour class outside and allowing them to take water balloons. Little did I know that every single one of them under the leadership of Matt Rosenhammer would throw all the balloons at me.
22. Year 4: Meeting Josh, Scott, Nick, Ben, Bishop, Drew, and Garett by having them in class. I would later meet Justin, Clay, and K Long through them.
23. Year 4: Getting to make fun of Drew in class everyday. Especially the day I made him feel really bad for bringing up a past relationship of mine. I made him feel like I was still completely wrapped up in it and that he had brought out a major wound. The rest of the day people kept coming up to me saying Drew felt really bad and was looking for me to apologize.
24. Year 4: Getting to see Drew and Gretchen's love blossom in my 2nd hour Old Testament Class
25. Year 4: Getting in Water Fights with Thomas Ronck all year. One time he came into my 6th hour class and started squirting away in the midst of the brawl the computer started to slip off the desk, luckily either Adam Capps or Chaz caught it before it fell. As they remind me, they saved my job that day, hahaha.
26. Year 4: March for Life Trip to D.C. Great talk with T.J. one night and Mr. G's bus o fun!
27. Year 5: Nick Seiler, Scott Cooper, Josh Rohleder, Stephen Bishop, and Mike McClernon all ask me to be their Confirmation Sponsor.
28. Year 5: Brett Makes a Touch down at the football game that takes place the same day as Ryan Sagesar's funeral. John Rice, a survivor of the plane crash that killed Ryan, is sitting on a couch at the end zone. As Brett makes the touch down he points the football at John. It gave me chills, I was so proud of Brett that day.
29. Year 5: I was so proud of the way everyone came together to help each other through Ryan's death.
30. Year 5: Noah Gear would always fall asleep in my 5th hour class. So one day I let him sleep, right through the bell and right into the first part of 6th hour. He woke up in my room about 5 minutes into 6th hour completely angry to discover that a new period had started. He was late to his next class, I refused to give him a pass.
31. Year 5: We had a special schedule at Carroll when we had a special activity that would require students to go to 5th hour before 4th hour. Tony Brandt used to tell me he would stand in the hall and yell 4th before 5th on regular schedule days and it would confuse kids, even though he was saying what it actually was. I decided to try that several times my last year at Carroll. Man was it funny to watch those poor freshmen get all frazzled.
32. Year 5: The Seniors last day, Danielle Dugan and Garrett Seiler come and say goodbye, only to find out it was merely a distraction for Thomas Ronck to come and pie me in the face!
33. Year 5: March for Life Trip: Senior Bus, Chicken Ceasar Wrap! (Sorry you'll only get this if you were there).
34. Year 5: The Last day before Spring Break. Its round 1 of the NCAA tournament. I decide we should watch the game 7th hour. Well since I had a special Antenna and I'm one of the only rooms getting reception, I end up with over 60 kids crammed into my room from all different classes watching the game!
35. Year 5: Watching the class of 2007 graduate.
36. Year 5: During a Socratic Seminar on the Death Penalty Jordan Neville plays Devils advocate and has the entire class pissed at him. Corrie threatens to take off her show and throw it at him. Hands down one of the best and funniest arguments I have ever seen.
37. Year 5: Tyler Walden making sarcastic and very intelligent comments that noone in class except myself would understand. He was freaking hilarious.
38. Year 5: Someone turns in a REFLECTION paper (as in, no wrong answer) that is the exact same as someone I had had the previous semester. I found it odd that two people who are not even brothers could have the exact same life.
39. Year 5: I was chosen to kiss a pig at the homecoming pep rally. Well the real pig fell through so it ended up being Daniel Hoffman in a pig outfit.
40. Year 5: Dressing up as a Hippie for Homecoming week, I looked awesome!
There are tons more but its getting long and these are just the highlights. Whereever my former students are, thank you for making my life great for those five years. I'm praying for all of you. Please pray for me. It truly was an adventure. Hopefully I'll be teaching again in a year!

Missing You

2008-10-28T11:13:00.001-06:00

This was published on October 14, 2008

It's been two months since I wrote a real blog. I've written a bunch of stuff arguing politics on facebook but I figured it was time to write something about life. Life has continued to be a roller coaster. I wish I could write and say everyting has been awesome. I wish I could just write about how wonderful life is and how great my spiritual life is. But I'm realizing there haven't been a ton of those nor will there be a ton of those while I'm in this period of transition in my life. My life is simply just not normal these days. Its hard to get into any sort of a routine or find any sort of consitency in my life or my relationships. It seems like I'm never hanging out with the same group of people or experiencing stability in my daily schedule. I guess that is how it goes when you are in Graduate school and work two jobs.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't say things are not going well per say it just feels like life is just kind of there. There doesn't seem to be anything for me to be horribly upset or depressed about but there doesn't seem to be anything for me to get incredibly excited about. I told a friend the other day on the phone that I just feel like I'm in survival mode. I have lost all emotion and I'm just going through my days working to get everything done I need to. I have never wanted it to be May so badly. I feel like my real life is on pause and I'm living this alternate life so I can go back to my real life eventually. Well I can't wait to go back to that. Which is wierd because this is real life and God is trying to show me stuff here. I'm trying to be as open as possible and figure out what it is God is doing my life in this very moment but not going to lie, its hard as hell.
I honestly just miss a lot of things. I miss waking up in the morning and feeling so excited to take on whatever came that day. I can honestly say I never felt more alive than when I was teaching. I miss the same feeling that came with the college days. I miss my household brothers. I miss Austria. I miss the moments in college where everything was carefree, all my friends and I did was love Jesus and enjoy life. There didn't seem to be anything in the world that mattered except our friendship and growing in Holiness. I miss my former students. I miss the Knights. I miss Starbucks with Erin. I miss the Daisy House. I miss Kim. I miss nights at the Vagabond with Bonny and Marianna. I miss the Brandts. I miss being around people the know me inside and out. I miss deep relationships that challenge me to be a better man. I miss people that love me and that I love more than anything. I miss feeling like I am so completely loved by people around me that nothing else in the world matters. I miss being able to pour myself out in love to my students, friends, and household brothers. I miss being able to see Christ so clearly in others.
I don't know why but all of that is harder in Denver. I have a hard time being excited about my days. I honestly hate going to work. I love my classes and what I'm learning but at the same time can't wait to be done with them. I'm so busy with school and other jobs that I can't give of myself to my teens in youth group the way I would like. I feel like all I'm left with in social times is random parties and superficial conversations with people.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not completely alone. I am so greatful for people like Hugh and Wendy and a small handful of others that I love hanging out with and feel totally welcomed and loved by. Its just hard when I don't get to see any of those people as often as I would like because my schedule is so crazy. This blog makes it sound like things are worse than they actually are. No, things aren't bad, they just aren't awesome. There just isn't that thrill about life inside me that always seemed to be there in college and in my last few years of teaching. I want that thrill back. I want to be able to have a passion for souls and life that I'm having trouble finding right now. I continue to go to the Eucharist and continue to pray. Maybe could do a little better at it, but I feel like right now its just me and God and he's teaching me to be dependant on Him more than ever before. This is hard for me because I'm such a people person and the way I have always experienced Christ is through people. I guess Christ is trying to teach me to experience Him in other ways and to learn to seek and find Him when noone is around.
I'm off to New Orleans to visit my brothers this weekend. I'm really excited and hope it is a little dose of just what the doctor ordered. I'm hoping to come back refreshed and rejuvinated. Time to kick up the prayers for perseverance and fortitude. I just pray I make it to May a little holier and a little wiser. I just pray I can see God and learn whatever it is He is trying to teach me in the midst of all this.

A Year Later

2008-10-28T11:11:00.002-06:00

This was published on August 19, 2008

It has officially been a year since I moved to Denver. It is strange to think that a year ago I had just said goodbye to Wichita and was just starting to get settled into a new place. New opportunities before me and new people every where. There was an excitement in the air and a newness to it all. I was so thrilled to be here and had such a sense of peace for it all. I had found a great house, great roommates and was going to parties meeting people left and right. School was starting and I was so thrilled to be learning again. I was soaking in the books and reading everything placed in front of me. I had no jobs yet, and although it was a little scary there was something exciting about not knowing what I would end up doing. Life was new again. It felt like an exciting adventure.
In many ways things are still good and I still know in my hear that this is where I need to be and what I need to be doing, but in other ways that excitement has worn off. God has really tried me this year. He's stretched me in so many ways. Its been a struggle, its been a serious living out of the cross. I have definetally gone through more high and low points, more mountain peaks and valleys if you will, in one year than I ever have. I mean that both literally and figuratively, I am in Colorado after all. This year I have struggled to Trust more than I ever have, I have learned the importance of prayer in a powerful new way, and I have learned to appreciate the importance of community and friendships in a whole new way. I have also realized in a new way what my true passion is and I want nothing more than to go back to that when I'm done here.
I think God called me here not only to experience something new and to grow in knowledge but to also learn to appreciate more fully what I had and to be formed into a stronger man of faith.
This past year has been hard yet awesome. I have two jobs. One that I love but I've realized I don't love as much as Teaching. One that I don't love so much and has helped me realize I'm called to teaching and Youth Ministry is something to do on a volunteer basis and not full time. Parish Ministry has too many politics and I'm not a fan. The most amazing part about Totus Tuus was to get to see some of the fruits of my labor in Wichita, getting to witness three former students teach for me and really see them a true men of God who had grown leaps and bounds.
The Community out here has been rough. It definetally is not all its cracked up to be. I have met some great people and all but my life is so busy and hectic that when I do have time to really hang out and build relationships no one is around. Everyone seems to be kind of into their own little groups out here and breaking into them is pretty tough. At the same time God knows me well and knows that I am a person that gets attached to people quickly and invest a lot into relationships so I can't help but think that He hasn't allowed me to get too close to people because I have such a strong feeling that Denver is only a temporary stop for me.
So at this point the newness is gone. I still have a strong feeling that this is where I'm supposed to be. But I know its not meant to be permanent and that I guess is what makes it tough. On the one hand I love it out here and love the weather and the mountains but it just doesn't feel like home. I hate this feeling of transition but have a feeling that something big is around the corner for me. I don't know what it is, but I have to continually trust that God is working and will reveal things to me in good time.
I stand now at the beginning of year two. Classes start tonight. I have a Thesis to write and the daily grind continues with work. Dave has moved to Illinois, Beschorner is married and that has left Konrade and I. We moved into a new house a few weeks ago and found two other guys to move in with us as well. The house is in a a great neighborhood and is a steal; $1,000 a month split four ways. I can't believe I'm only going to be paying $250 a month to live in Denver Colorado. I never paid rent that cheap even in Wichita. I wake up every morning and am amazed at God's glory through the beauty of the mountains and feel like I need to pinch myself because I live in Denver, yet at the same time I wake up every morning with a little ache in my heart because I'm not going to work at Bishop Carroll and I don't get to see my boys go through their Senior year. Yet there is a beauty in all of this that brings me closer to Christ and forces me to trust Him more. As I begin this year all I can do is continue to surrender.
Last week I went to a Praise and Worship thing called Logos and went and got prayed over. One of the guys that prayed over me said that the image he kept getting was of me in the womb of Mary and he challenged me to reflect on that image. If you think about it, it is a beautiful image. Mary wants to take us into her womb and form us just as she formed Christ in her womb. I am convicted now more than ever that if I want to continue to surrender and trust over this next year I need to place myself into the womb of Mary so that she may form me more perfectly and bring me closer to her Son.
I pray that I may trust more and cling to Christ throughout this next year. That I may experience joy through suffering, that I may enjoy the views from the tops of the mountains, and understand that when I am in the valleys, I am there for a reason and in order to appreciate the view I have to go through the valleys.
Mary I am thine and all I have is thine, Mary I am thine and all I have is thine, Mary I am thine and all I have is thine!

Summer Time Randomness

2008-10-28T11:11:00.001-06:00

This was published on July 15, 2008

This is going to be one of those random posts with lots of different thoughts because my mind has been all over the place lately. It is hard to believe it is the middle of July already. Where has the summer gone? This has been one pretty amazing summer so far. I've gotten to enjoy the mountains a good bit, spent time with friends, been working my butt off at two jobs I love, and just enjoying myself tremendously here in Colorado. So anyways here are a few of my summer highlights so far with some random thoughts mixed in.
1) Franciscan LEAD went incredibly well. It was an incredible experience and I could not have asked for a better team to work with. The Conference was also one of the best I have ever been to. Saturday night of the conference they actually did the whole hour of adoration in silence, which was incredible. It was so awesome to see over 2000 teens praying so intensenly in silence.
2) My prayer life has been awesome since I got done with Totus Tuus Training. I've been making it to mass and finding serveral times throughout the day to quiet myself and listen to God. It has been awesome. I just hope I can keep it up once school starts.
3) I've decided to wait a year on the whole seminary thing. As I stepped back from the situation and really prayed about it, it just didn't feel right to go in the fall. I felt like God was telling me He wasn't done with me in Denver and I really needed to finish my degree for some reason. My spiritual director confirmed my decision and told me to listen to what I was getting in prayer and to not feel pressured by over eager priests. In the grand scheme of things a year is nothing and if God wants me to be a priest I will. He always wins.
4) One of my goals for the summer is to climb a 14er. I attempted it but failed. The directions I printed off took me to the top of the mountain instead of the trailhead. So I drove up a 14er. By the time we figured out where the trailhead actually was it was too late to try and climb it that day. I was pissed. But I WILL climb one before the summer is over.
5) I turned 28 last week. It was a great birthday. I went to the Cheescake Factory for dinner with some friends and had a great time. Then I gave myself a birthday present by taking off to go out of town and go to Wichita for the rest of the week and weekend. As great as it was however, I still don't know how I feel about being 28. It is just kind of this wierd age. It creeps me out that I'm only 2 years away from 30.
6) Its been awesome having Blake, Devin, and Josh out here for the summer. I'm so proud of those guys and the men they are becoming.
7) Is anyone else really nervous about this election? Seriously people wake up and smell the roses. "Hope and Change". WTF does that mean? We have too many ignorant Americans out there. Obama gives great speeches so he must be the right man for the job? Well guess what? Hitler also gave great speeches! Is it just me or does anyone else get a creepy Anti-Christ vibe from the Black Messiah?
8) I love my jobs out here and the weather is awesome, but I freaking miss Wichita and teaching. I really hope a year from now I'll be moving back there and teaching at Carroll (if I don't go to the seminary that is).
9) I'm incredibly excited for what I have left of my summer: Mary's wedding, Totus Tuus end of summer retreat, seeing the Brandt's in a couple weeks here in Colorado, the visit from the boys and the cabin in Estes, Melissa's wedding, and the Jack Johnson concert!
10) Why do cops have to be such assholes? I got a ticket in Wichita, well Park City, for supposedly running a stop sign. The only reason he gave it to me is because I was from Colorado and he knew there was no way in hell I would drive back to Kansas to contest it. Not to mention that jack ass was being this super nice guy and cracking jokes and trying to shoot the shit with me as he gave me the ticket. Freaking prick! If you are going to give me a ticket then act like the asshole you are being!
11) God is amazing. Man I just feel so blessed lately. The Eucharist is such a gift and the more I go to it the more I long for it. I have rediscoverd my love for adoration and mass and I encourage all of you to do the same. Just do it, start going for a little while every day and I promise you, your life will change and you won't want to stop going!
Ok so that's my randomness. I look forward to what is left of summer and am excited for what God has in store next year!

And God Laughed...

2008-10-28T11:10:00.002-06:00

This was published June 11, 2008

My summer is in full swing. It has been incredible but far from what I expected so far. A few months back I wrote a blog entitled "If you want to make God laugh...tell Him your plans". Well laugh God did.
First off my summer officially begun with a trip to visit the Doherer's in Utah. It was an amazing weekend. Great food, good times with old friends, and some much needed relaxation.
Then began the week that has changed the entire course of my summer and quite possibly my year and even possibly my entire life. Totus Tuus training started on May 23rd. It was an amazing week. The teachers we hired this year are solid and doing an incredible job so far. The week, although a lot of work for me, also ended up being a much needed retreat. I was instantly imersed in prayer and the Sacraments. Also it was the last week of my preparation for Total Consecration to Jesus through Mary by Lewis DeMontfort. Let's just say finishing the consecration, daily mass, daily holy hours, daily Rosary and Chaplet, and daily Liturgy of the hours, combined with an openness from me that I have never experienced made for the perfect conditions for God to come into my life and rock it to the very core.
Three months ago I was planning ..ing my degree and moving back to Wichita in a year to teach at Carroll again and return to my home away from home. However, those were MY plans. Sure enough God has laughed and now things are heading in a different direction.
In the last few months I've been feeling the nudge to discern the Priesthood more seriously. Like most good Catholic males, I decided to ignore it and run away as fast as possible. Well then I made the mistake of really praying, which is the last thing you should do when you are trying to run from a vocation. I felt Christ telling me that I need to surrender and trust in Him completely. That I need to discern fairly and properly. I felt Him saying that if the Priesthood was my vocation He would reveal it to me through proper discernment, and if I had a vocation different from that, He would not let me have it, until I discerned Priesthood properly.
Well what that means is I have started making the steps to apply for seminary for the diocese of Wichita. Last Sunday I sent Fr. Pat York a text message asking him to call me ASAP. Well Monday he returned my call and I told him I felt I needed to discern the Priesthood properly. He responded with telling me he wanted to get the ball rolling and get me into seminary this fall. This was not the answer I was expecting. I thought for sure he would tell me to wait a year and finish my degree. Freaked out I called Fr. Jarrod and filled him in on everything. He proceeded to tell me to calm down and just go through the process and discern. By applying and going through the process I was not committing to Seminary I was simply continuing to stay open to that possibility. After I got off the phone with Fr. Jarrod, I called Fr. Matt McGuiness and left him a message. A couple hours later Fr. Matt called me back and asked me what I was doing the following Monday. I told him I knew I would have to get to Wichita eventually to meet with someone but that I didn't know how soon that could be. He responded by saying he would be in Denver that Monday. I said, "Well...then I guess I'm free". We met this past Monday for two hours.
So the ball is rolling. My paperwork is filled out. I have both a Physical and Psychological tests scheduled for the week after next and am continually going before the Blessed Sacrament asking for guidance. I don't know if I will enter seminary in the fall, or in a year, or even go through this whole process and realize I'm not supposed to enter. All of this is in God's hands. Its scary but also so incredibly exciting. My life could drastically change soon but I'm feeling a peace in simply allowing God to lead right now.
And God laughed...and I'm laughing right along with Him. I ask you all for your prayers over the next few weeks and months. God' will be done!

Let the Good Times Roll!

2008-10-28T11:10:00.001-06:00

This was published on May 9, 2008

My summer officially begins today. Talk about wierd. I am completely finished with my first year of graduate school. Man this year flew by fast. It has been a roller coaster and one I wouldn't want to re-live but one I wouldn't trade for anything. There have been some tough times but man there have been some good times over my last nine months in Denver. And there are still some pretty awesome things to come this summer. My friend Marianna said to me the other day on the phone, "You have a good life". And I sure do.
First of all I want to look back and thank God for the many blessings over these last several months. Here are some highlights:
1. Living in the Race Street House with some pretty awesome guys.
2. Having Dr. Reyes as a Professor and now my Thesis advisor. The Guy has pretty much changed my entire perspective on life, history, and the culture. My worldview is slowly changing thanks to this man.
3. My job as coordinator of Totus Tuus.
4. Going to Wichita and suprising everyone in October, that was pretty awesome to see the looks on everyone's faces when I walked into Carroll unannounced.
5. Getting the opportunity to teach at the Regan Institute.
6. Being near the mountains with the opportunity to have gotten to go skiing and going on several hikes in the fall.
7. Boctor's wedding in January. It was a great reunion with all my brothers.
8. Having Hugh move to town and getting to spend some good times at the Celtic.
9. The 80's party my roommates and I threw in October.
10. Having my brother come to visit and spending a weekend with him here in Denver.
So yeah it has been pretty good so far. Now I have an incredible summer ahead and I am so pumped for it. Here is a quick run down of what will be going on:
Next weekend I'm going to visit the Dohrer's in Utah and chilling at their Bed and Breakfast. I'm super excited to go and relax and spend time with them. It has been a long time.
The weekend after that we start Totus Tuus training at St. Malo. A week in the mountains should be pretty awesome. I'm also really pumped that three of my former students are teaching for me this summer: Blake Maly, Josh Mans, and Devin Burns. It is definetally one of those little moments when God allows you to see the fruits of your labor. It is pretty awesome to see how these guys have grown since I met them 5 years ago when they were High School Freshmen. It will be good to have them around this summer.
Then June 16-20 I will be working as a facilitator for the Franciscan LEAD program for the Steubenville of the Rockies site. It is their new version of Young Apostles. I'm so excited to get a chance to do this. The program seems pretty amazing. Please pray it goes well!
Then the last weekend of June when Totus Tuus is on break Brett is coming out here and myself, him, and Blake are going to hang out and go hiking for a few days, should be pretty awesome.
Then my long time friend Mary Garbe gets married July 19th in Rockford, so it will be off to home to get to celebrate with the old gang. Not to mention Dark Knight comes out that weekend so it should be a pretty good time!
Then July 31 after Totus Tuus has ended I will be invaded by nine of my little brothers. Josh Rohleder, Ben Meether, Scott Cooper, Nick Seiler, Drew Hoffman, Garett Burns, Clay Kimbro, Justin Parsons, and Kyle Long are all coming out for a visit. We got a cabin for three nights in Estes Park. Sleeps 10 people and has an 8 person Hot Tub. Got a sweet deal. Apparently this trip has been coined the Pilgrimage to Jose. We are going to spend three days hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park along with getting a little subtle spiritual activities in. They are going to get a little bit of a retreat with me. It should be pretty awesome. I'm really excited about them coming out here.
Then two days after the boys leave I head to Nashville August 6th for my best friend and sister, Melissa's wedding. This will probably be the high light of my summer. Melissa got enagaged over Christmas to a pretty amazing guy named Taylor. I never figured I'd like or approve of the guy she decided to Marry but this guy is awesome and actually good enough for my little sister! (By the way she is not actually my little sister we just have called eachother brother and sister for years). It will be good to be there with the family and the old gang once again.
Lastly my summer will finish off on August 17th at Red Rocks Amphitheater! I will be going to the Jack Johnson concert there that night. I pretty much can't wait!
So that is what's ahead. Please say prayer for me that all that goes well. I'm really excited for what God has in store and I'm sure it will be another summer of growth and trial. On top of all this I will be working on my Thesis so life will be keeping me busy for sure!

Jesus Take the Wheel

2008-10-28T11:09:00.001-06:00

This was published on April 22, 2008

It is 9:30a.m. and I'm sitting at work trying to figure out what the heck I'm going to do to pass the time until 12:30. I'm on my second cup of coffee trying to stay awake and muster enough energy to last through the day. I was up until 1:30 last night talking to my roommate Dave. This seems to be a common trend, talking to Dave until it is way past my bed time. Then I suffer for it the next day. But hey if we didn't stay up talking so late who else would solve all the world's problems. If we didn't stay up late talking how else would we figure our lives out. I mean the two of us have the power to fix everything don't we? I mean I'm this incredibly Holy man that can perform miracles and Dave is this brilliant thinker...with our powers combined...hell we can't even make Captain Planet. Not saying that our talks are unproductive or non helpful, I really enjoy our talks. In a certain sense they do help a lot. But there is something I continually come back to everytime we finish a talk, that is how much I don't trust.
Has God ever given me a reason not to trust Him? No, and yet I seem to continually lack trust in His ultimate will for my life. I constantly worry about the future. I have a very hard time living in the present moment. I constantly want to be in control. Everytime I live like this something not so good happens, yet I keep trying to do the same thing expecting different results. Isn't that the definition of insanity?
I have no control. I am not in charge of my life. I am merely one small instrutment in His much larger plan. It can be very difficult to live this way, especially when we don't see the big picture right now. We want all the answers for everything right now, but we're not going to get them, because God doesn't work like that. Remember when we were kids, how easy it was to just trust our parents. Everything they said we believed. We didn't worry about anything because we knew we would be taken care of. That I am realizing is the kind of trust God wants from me now. And that kind of trust is tough because I have been wounded, I have been affected by my own sins. The innocence I had as a child has been lost. However, if I do not strive to be like that child with the grace of God I'm never going to be able to relinquish control of my life over to the one who has a much better idea of where it should go than I.
As difficult as it is I have to continually look back at my life and realize God has NEVER let me down and He NEVER will. As I look back on my life the most difficult moments have been when I did not want to trust God and tried doing things my way. When I try and stay in control I am miserable. As I look back on my life and reflect on the moments when I gave up control and allowed God to take the lead I realize I was most at peace in those moments.
So how do we do that? How do we trust more? It is a continual handing over. It is making that decision to trust every day. We must seek God in prayer in the Sacraments, which is something I have sucked at lately. The other day I was on the phone with a former student who challeneged me to pray a Rosary every day this week for an intention of his. I thought to myself, "you're challenging me, wow how the tables have turned". But he served as the voice of Christ to me reminding me that I needed to return to trusting Him and that begins with prayer!
Jesus I trust in you...Jesus I trust in you...Jesus I trust in you!

If you want to make God laugh...Tell Him your plans!

2008-10-28T11:08:00.002-06:00

This was published on February 27, 2008

God's grace and hand in my life amazes me. The other day I was praying and thinking about where I am in my life and it is literally never where I dreamed I would be 10 years ago as I was finishing High School (WOW I honestly can't believe it will be 10 years this June since I graduated High School!!!). As I sit back and think I have had so many dreams and ideas go through my head and am amazed at how much they have changed.
10 years ago I was frantically applying to and auditioning for half the Theater programs in the country. I honestly think I went to like 10 auditions and applied to like 22 schools. That is not an exaggeration! I loved acting in High School. There was nothing like being on stage and performing. I got a huge rush from it and some of my greatest memories from High School are from being in plays and the people that I got to be in them with. I was ready to make a career out of it. I wanted to be on stage my whole life. Little did I realize God had other plans.
I think the reason I had applied to so many schools was because I had such uncertainty and just didn't want to admit it to myslef. Theater was what I loved so it made sense to pursue that as a career. Then one night as I was talking to my youth ministers about it, they looked at me and said "We understand this is what you want to do, but is it what God wants you to do? Have you talked to Him about it?" I was completely taken a back, "What do you mean have I talked to him about it?" If this was what I wanted I was going to get it. Well wrong, shortly after that on retreat after a lot of prayer I realized this was not what God wanted and I needed to do His will.
Well that path was unsure and lead to U of I as a communications major and then eventually led me to Steubenville. After Steubenville my plan was to move to New Orleans and teach and hang out with my best friends and hopefully meet a cute Southern Belle to marry. Once again not God's plans and I ended up in Wichita, KS. Then my plan was to go and get my Masters in Counseling and finally after much fighting stay in Wichita for good. Once again not God's plan so now I'm in Denver working on my Masters and working two part time jobs. I have an idea of what I want to do after this is over but once again it probably won't be God's plan. I'm thinking I should probably just stop making plans all together because God has a funny way of changing those, and since He's God, his plans generally work out and mine don't.
I have to look back and laugh at myself. Theater, honestly what was I thinking? I loved it, it was fun, but when I look at old videos of myself doing it I go, ok I was pretty good but I'm no professional, never would have made it! Then New Orleans...sure it would have been fun but I would probably be more broke than I am now and an alcoholic, not to mention had my home taken away by Katrina. Plus I never would have met the amazing people God brought into my life in Wichita. The people there became family. Lastly, counseling, so I would make more money and still be comfortable in Wichita. But I wouldn't be being challenged to grow like I am. I wouldn't be being challenged to trust like I am and I wouldn't have met the great people I have now.
I am grateful that God's grace is bigger than I am. I am glad He is in control because no matter how difficult things seem when my plans fail in the end it is always so much better when His plans work out. Who knows who I would be had my plans come to fulfillment instead of God's? But I do know that life would not be as sweet or exciting. As tough as it is there is always something exciting about surrendering to God's plans!

The Return of Peace

2008-10-28T11:06:00.000-06:00

This was published on February 14, 2008

Well Life finally seems back to normal. It had been a rough few months. But it finally seems that peace has returned into my life. I honestly can say that I am overjoyed with life and the possibilites that are on the horizon.
First of all, probably the major reason life has becomes more peaceful is prayer. I am finally in a good and steady routine of prayer. Funny how that works huh? Every time I get in a good groove of prayer I wonder why I ever fell out of the groove. How dumb can we be sometimes, really I marvel at my own stupidity and laziness sometimes. But daily mass has become a part of my routine again, I've started saying a rosary daily and am back into praying the liturgy of the hours again as well as finally making sure I do a holy hour once a week. I can already begin to see the fruits of all of this.
Totus Tuus is starting to get incredibly busy but I am so excited as the summer gets closer. I am so excited to help with interviewing, hiring, training, and then getting to visit the parishes and observe the teams over the summer. This is going to be amazing experience. I am still in awe of how good and Faithful God is. When I got here in August I had no job and now I'm working for Totus Tuus which is a program I taught for here almost 7 years ago. It is a program I truly love, believe in and want to see succeed.
My attitude toward my job at Sts. Peter and Paul has changed dramatically. I've realized that the job did not stink because it actually stunk but because my own attitude toward it was not good. This job was gift from God too and the difficulties that come with it are difficulties God has given me to help me grow as a person and help bring about change in my own heart. I have come up with a new long term plan. I am revamping confirmation next year and am pretty excited about the program. I'm starting to slowly fall in love with my 7th graders. They will still never come close to how I feel about High School students, but my experience with them is important. I'm going to start doing things to reach out to the 8th graders as well. Finally I'm going to start taking my High Schoolers and truly developping them into leaders. I'm going to do a lot of leadership training with them this summer and get them into a position where they can help me minister to the 7th graders on the confirmation retreats. My fire for youth ministry has returned. I don't know where it went or how it came back, but the Holy Spirit is AWESOME!
Life at the Augustine Institute is also incredible. My classes are just as interesting as last semester but less stressful. I can't tell if that is because they are seriously less work or if it is because I'm just getting used to being a student again. None the less I am greatful to have the opportunity to be in such an amazing program. Last Monday we had a big open house. A lot of potential donors, students, religious, priests, and the Archbishop were all in attendance. They showed our new promotional video and the Archbishop gave a talk. My Leadership class helped with a lot of the logistics to put it on. That night I really came to realize again why I came to school here. Words can't express how amazing it is to be a part of this school. It truly is a special place and I have to remember no matter how tough things get, God wants me here!
I've also started my internship for graduate school working in the office of Youth and Young Adult Ministry for the diocese. It is awesome to see what goes into all the planning for big events and get to work under such talented people. They have also nominated to be an on site facilitator for the Steubenville Youth Conference LEAD program which is talking the place of Young Apostles. God just seems to be opening so many doors and opportunities. I don't know what is going to happen over the next year and a half but I'm excited to find out.
In other news I'll be going back to Wichita for Easter and look forward to seeing everyone there again.
The calm and the peace have returned. Who knows how long it will last. I know tough times still lay ahead but at least there will always be the consolation that I am doing God's will and just because it is His will doesn't make it easy. I feel re-awakened in my spiritual life and am loving this season of Lent. I pray this be a time for growth and true preparation for Easter for all of us!

Mountains and Valleys

2008-10-28T11:05:00.002-06:00

This was published on January 24, 2008

Life seems to be full of mountains and valleys. It seems like I've been spending a lot of time in both lately. It seems like I get to the top of the mountain and then immediately find myself in a valley shortly after that. I'm beginning to see how much a part of life that is. How necessary it is to experience suffering in order to experince joy, I'm beginning to see that no matter what there is always going to be moments of dissapointment and difficulty in life, but there will also always be moments of intense joy. That's how God works, that's how Jesus lived when he came to earth. Part of living my life as a disciple is to be as fully present in the valley as I am on the mountain. To know that the view from the mountain will be that much more beautiful if I learn to appreciate and embrace the tough times in the valley.
Life has been interesting to say the least since the last time I blogged. I survived the hell that was finals week and ended up with 3 A's and a B for my first semester of graduate school. I was pretty proud of that. Being in the valley of studying and finishing papers was tough but was well worth the view at the top of the mountain when I got my report card.
I went home to Rockford for the first time in a year and a half. It was so strange being home. I don't know if I should even call it home anymore. It was so good to be there and wonderful to see my old friends and family but I don't know that I would call it home anymore. For the first time home felt like my parent's house instead of my home. Which is ok, just part of the moving on process. I was able to spend a lot of time with old friends. The high light aside from Christmas Eve and Christmas with my Family was throwing a wine and Cheese party with all the old crew. We had a great time. I think over 30 people came. It was so fun to remenise and catch up. However my time at home was not all wonderful. I was supposed to head back to Denver on December 29th but ended up extending my trip until January 3rd. My best friend Melissa's mom died suddenly of a heart attack at age 56 on December 28th. Phyllis Perrone was an amazing woman who served her children, students, and husband well. It was a really hard few days and I can imagine is still tough for the family so please continue to keep my friend Melissa and her family in your prayers.
After all of that I headed back to Denver for a whopping 14 hours and then flew out again for Joe Boctor's wedding. It was interesting going from a funeral pretty much right into a wedding. I don't think I have ever experienced that wide a range of emtions so close together in my life. But Joe's wedding was a blast. It felt so good to be reunited with so many of my household brothers. Some of whom I had not seen in at least 3 years.
After the wedding I returned to Denver for 5 days and then went to Wichita for the Knights retreat. This was a much needed retreat. As always it was very rejuvinating to be around my boys. They are such a blessing in my life, and although I miss them terribly I continue to have peace that this is the way things are to be right now.
After the retreat I came back to Denver for all of 12 hours yet again and then flew out to Lincoln, NE for the national Totus Tuus meeting. It was a long couple days but also spiritually uplifting and very informative. It will be interesting to be on the coordinator side of it. I'm really looking forward to the summer with Totus Tuus. I think I will gain a wealth of experience and also really grow in the process.
So now I am finally back here in Denver. For a long while without going anywhere hopefully. I'm slowly getting back into my routine. The first few days back in school and back in town were tough. I was experiencing a lot of doubt again and questioning God for bringing me here to Denver. But I am slowly climbing back up the mountain and out of the valley. I have to keep reminding myself that change even if it is good is hard. I have to keep telling myself that just because something is God's will doesn't make it easy. But I'm slowly starting to come alive again. The funk I was in after Thanksgiving is finally starting to fade. My prayer life is getting back on track and I am finding ways to manage my jobs and school without freaking out as much. There are moments still when I despise my Youth Ministry job but I'm starting to accept it as a cross God is given me. I'm not sure what He's doing to me and through me here at this job, but I know something is happening. His grace is working and I'm excited to see what happens.
So thus begins 2nd semester of my life in Denver. The climb uphill has begun, will I see the view from the top soon, or will I fall down into the valley again? Who knows, that is in God's hands. It won't be easy, it won't always be exciting, but it will be what God wants it to be, no more, no less, and that in the grand scheme of things is all that matters!

Livin on a Prayer

2008-10-28T11:05:00.001-06:00

This was published on November 30, 2007

I've been thinking a lot about prayer lately. That however is the problem, I've been doing way too much thinking about prayer and not enough praying. I wonder why time and again I do this to myself. I know the value of prayer, I've seen the fruits of it in my own life and the life of others, yet I constantly get in these phases where I don't do it. And then I wonder why I'm feeling like crap, stressed out, and begin to doubt God's plan for me in my life. Every time I get in a funk I realize, hey I haven't been praying. I keep telling myself the solution is simple, all I need to do is quit not praying and pray. But is it really that simple?
I constantly make excuses for why I don't pray. "I've just been so busy, I don't have time." Well wouldn't you think that because I have so much going on, that that is all the more reason to pray. But the reality of it is that prayer can be scary, because when we pray we are forced to really look at our lives. We are called to really face what is going on inside us, our weakness, our sin, our true selves are revealed to us when we pray. Prayer can change us and this can be scary because we so often get too comfortable with who we are. Lack of prayer so often shows our lack of trust in God.
In my life that is honestly what it boils down to. I'm afraid to pray lately. There is a lot in my life I need to change. A lot of things I need to face, virtues I need to work on, conversion I am in need of. Things God maybe calling me to that I don't want to do. The idea of Holiness seems so attractive to me, yet I'm so often not willing to put the effort it takes into becoming Holy. I have an entire shelf of Spiritual reading that I need to do, I am working on my Masters in Theology, taught Religion for 5 years and still have not read the Bible cover to cover. I'm thinking I need to get on that.
This last week has been so hard. I got back from an amazing break in Wichita. I got to spend time with so many people I love. I got back to Denver and it just finally hit me harder than I ever thought about the fact that all of this is real now. I'm not on vacation, I really live here. I never thought I would miss Wichita as much as I do, but I do. I won't act on this, but the thought actually came to my head that I should quit my grad. program after the Spring and move back to Wichita. Seriously what am I thinking? That would not be a smart move. It is honestly as if all the peace I felt about moving here has been ripped out from under me. I know that is not the case, it is just that I haven't been praying and the devil is just really messing with me. I also came back to two jobs that really are not all that exciting. I can honestly say that most days of my teaching career I was excited to get up and go to work. I despise my Youth Ministry job. I work mostly with 7th graders who are just not fun to be around. I have some time with the High Schoolers but it is hard to really do anything when I'm only allowed to work 15 hours a week. I enjoy Totus Tuus but it is so mindless and tedious right now that I am looking forward to the Summer where I get to be out in the parishes with the teachers and kids. I'm still loving my program but I am honestly terrified of taking finals in two weeks. Papers I could handle, but after 5 years of being the one grading tests and not being the one taking them I have to say I'm a little nervous. I've also had a cold all week.
It's been rough, but the thing that amazes me is that as I look on everything I'm feeling and going through I am upset at myself for not praying. I need to get my butt to adoration and give all of this to Jesus and His mother. But like I said it is scary. What if by some freak chance God is telling me I need to move back to Wichita. I highly doubt that is the case, but it's scary to face those realities some times. But I need to man up and sacrifice. I need to surrender. I need to be in the presence of my King. I need to get back to daily mass, I need to get back into the Liturgy of the Hours, and I need to start making Adoration and prayer a priority. Prayer needs to by our life line. Deciding to pray is simple but it is not easy. So pray for me and I will pray for all of you!

There's No Place Like Home

2008-10-28T11:04:00.001-06:00

This was published October 24, 2007

Life is definetaly interesting. I had a pretty amazing time in Wichita this past weekend. It was strange because it didn't feel like a typical visit somewhere. It felt like I was a college student home for a break. It honestly felt more like home than Rockford does these days. The house I grew up in no longer really seems like my house, it is my parent's house. It's not like I had my own house to come back to in Wichita, but I felt a tranquility there, a welcomeness, a warmth, it was home.
I got home from class last Wednesday at around 9:30 and decided I would go to bed and wake up at 3:00 a.m. and head for Wichita. Well I tossed and turned until about 11:30 and decided it was pointless to continue trying to sleep so I got in my car and drove. Suprisingly enough I was so hopped up on caffene and adrenaline that I made it all the way to Wichita without stopping except to get gas and coffee. I got there at 7:45 a.m. I stopped at Andrew and Kristi's to take a shower and a nap.
After that I headed to Carroll in time for lunch to start. Noone knew I was coming so it was pretty sweet to suprise everyone. It was so awesome to see the looks on the guys faces as they realized I was there. I felt so loved. I felt like I had never left. It felt like this was were I belonged.
I spent the rest of the weekend hanging out with old friends and former students and Knights. I went to the Homecoming game, went to Buffalo Wild Wings with a group of the Knights, played cards with Tony and Kelly, subbed at Carroll, visited one of my old hangouts, the vagabond, with Bonny and Katie, hung out with Erin, and spent time at the Rohleder House. I got to do all my favorite things in Wichita and spend time with all my favorite people in Wichita.
It's odd. I continue to have peace and know that Denver is where God wants me. Like I have said before I love my graduate program and my new friends here but it is still hard some times. Going to Wichita kind of messed with my head a little bit. Last night I got a text message from Josh telling me they had won their soccer game. First time Carroll had won a regional soccer game in a decade. They are heading to Liberal on Thursday for their next game. I was so happy for him and the team yet at the same time it hurt me so much that I wasn't able to see it, that I wasn't able to be there for him and watch him win. I really do miss it. It really did become home after five years no matter how hard I tried to fight that. I guess this is all a part of the continued trust God is trying to show me. I have to keep trusting. I have to keep surrendering myself to His will every single day.
I guess it is true that sometimes in order to really appreciate something you need to lose it. I continue to have no doubt in my mind that I needed to leave Wichita. I need to be in Denver right now. It doesn't make it any easier though. But something inside of me is thinking I'll be back. I could be totally wrong and God could lead me some where else, so we'll see.
You know when it boils down to it I just want to have my life figured out. I want to be settled into my vocation. I want to have kids and raise boys like the guys in the Knights. I said to God yesterday, "You know here is my desire, take it or leave it because you know what is best for me. I'm just going to throw it out there and if you want to make it happen that would be great. By the time I'm done with my graduate program I want to be with the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, I want to settle in Wichita, teach at Carroll and raise a family there." Who knows if that is God's plan for me. It seems like my plan is never God's plan, but we shall see. Once again continue to trust, be patient, and surrender! That really sucks some times, but hey, it is how we grow in holiness!
Well I have a crazy rest of the week ahead. I need to sit down and write one of my papers today. Pray for me!

Our Hearts Are Restless Until They Rest in You Oh Lord!

2008-10-28T11:03:00.001-06:00

This was published on October 14, 2007

It has now been two months since the big move to Denver. Life around here is quickly starting to feel normal. I'm starting to find my nitch and fall into a routine. Well sort of. It seems like there isn't much of a regular routine to my life. Everyday, every week, brings a new suprise. Yes of course there are struggles, but every suprise seems to be continued confirmation that this is my new home.
I am being challenged to grow in ways I never thought of. I am being challeneged to stretch my mind. I am being challeneged to manage my time wisely. I am being challenged to work with difficult people. I am being challenged to learn to love more in spite of parish politics. I am being challenged to learn to love middle school students. I am being challenged to pray more. I am being challenged into deeper holiness and greater abandonment to God.
Last we week we had to read The Confessions by St. Augustine for my History class. It was quite challenging to read the whole thing in a week, but it really convicted me of a lot of things. First of all how much more I am in need of conversion in my own life. There are so many things that make sense in my head and I fully want to believe and live them out, yet in my own fallen human nature I am still chained to sin that keeps me from fully living those things out. My intellect may be conformed to God in so many ways but my will is still very much lacking. I need to continue to strive and seek God more than I already have. I am in need of greater freedom from my sins and attachment to this world.
The other thing that really convicted me was the story of St. Monica, St. Augustine's mother. I was so amazed by how much she prayed for her son's conversion. She was so concerned for his soul, that praying for his conversion consumed her life. It made me realize how little I am concerned with the converions of some of my family and friends . I do not pray nearly as fervently for their conversions as she did for St. Augustine's. If we are talking about people's eternal souls, maybe myself and all of us need to be more concerned with praying for conversion in people's lives, especially in the lives of our family members.
I am constantly amazed by the formation I am recieving at the Augustine Institute. God is seriously whooping my butt into shape. I still have a long way to go, but I am so excited by what is happening.
My community is starting to solidify itself too. I have had some great conversations with my roommates over the last couple weeks. We have had some great people over for meals and awesome conversations. I went to a party last night and had an absolute blast. I had some incredible conversations with people and then the night ended with a hilarious dance party. My roommates and I along with a few other guys are going to be starting to have a Bible study on Thursday evenings. This is such a blessing. God just really knew what he was doing when he brought me out here!
The dating situation is looking up as well. I am not dating anyone yet, but I just really feel good about some things. I have definetally come to a point where I am done being shy. There are entirely too many amazing, Holy, Catholic women out here and it amazes me that noone is dating them. So I've come to the point where I'm going to ask one of them out. If they say no, big deal move on! Too many of the guys sit around here waiting for a neon sign from God telling them who they should date. It's not gonna happen. I have gotten to know a few ladies recently and I am going to just take the plunge and ask one out this week.
So that's life after two months in Denver. Pray for me, I have several papers to write and several more books to read before all this is over, but I know God will give me the grace to get through it!

Changes

2008-10-28T11:02:00.000-06:00

This was published on September 19, 2007

My life has drastically changed in the last month and a half. Although this was something I was expecting, in a way there really is no way of knowing exactly what those changes have in store. God is amazing. God is Faithful. God is also very unpredictable.
1) I packed up my life and moved to Denver, driving a u-haul for the first time in my life. A little scary but it was manageable.
2) I went from living in an apartment by myself to a four bedroom house with 3 other guys. I couldn't ask for better roommates. I was originally supposed to be living with 4 completely different guys in a completely different house and it fell through one week before I moved to Denver! I probably should have freaked out. I didn't and God came through with this current situation. Honestly I think it was for the best.
3) I went from having a steady job and a normal routine and paycheck to wondering where my next paycheck was going to come from. Praise God He found me two awesome jobs here in Denver. One working as a part time Youth Minister and the other as Coordinator of Totus Tuus. Both awesome jobs, and while it will still be tight financially I'll be able to pay the bills.
4) I went from being a Teacher to a student. I love my graduate program it is absolutely amazing. It is one of the most challenging things I have ever encountered but I love it so much! In some ways God might be punishing me for all the work I made my former students do. Hahaha. But I miss teaching, especially teaching at Carroll like crazy!
5) I moved away from all my kids. I miss my students and especially my Knights. To be honest this has been the toughest part. My heart truly aches some days because I'm not around them anymore. It's wierd that Thursday nights come around and I'm not with them.
6) I went from having a very small and limited community (which although had it's draw backs at times I loved and miss) to having a HUGE community. The Catholic Young Adult Population here is enourmous! There is so much activity here. I love it!
7) I went from a population of very few single Catholic women, to a population of an overabundance of single Catholic women. If I don't meet my future spouse here I'm going to the seminary! Hahaha!
All of this has been a huge lesson in trust. Everyday that goes by here I get more and more confirmation that this is where I'm supposed to be. There are days that are so tough and I miss Wichita like crazy. But even in the midst of those moments of sadness the feeling of peace that this is where I belong never goes away. It took me three weeks to find a job and came down to my absolute last dime and then, bang, God gave not only one job I love, but two! Life truly is amazing. God' plan is amazing. While I quite haven't figured out the full purpose of why he brought me to Denver I know He brought me. It took me almost 4 years to figure out why God brought me to Wichita and if you would have asked me if I would have been sad to leave there three years ago I would have said no way. But God has a reason for everything. He had a reason for me being in Wichita for 5 years and now he has a reason for me being in Denver. All I can do is keep going one day at a time and constantly remind myself to trust and surrender!

Reality Sets In

2008-10-28T11:01:00.000-06:00

This was published on July 6, 2007

Well the summer is half over. Its kind of crazy how time flies by so freaking fast. I have definetally sucked at blogging the last few months, but I guess you could say I've had a thousand other things on my mind. The summer has been pretty darn good.
I spent the first week in Colorado. I found a house and some roommates. The job search was not so successful. I have no clue what I'm going to do for a job when I get out there, but I'm not as freaked out about that as I thought I would be. I guess just more confirmation that this move is truly something outside myself and something God must really want for me. I also officially sent in my tuition check and registration form. I am officially enrolled at the Augustine Institute in Denver, CO.
The second week I spent just chilling at home. nothing too exciting, but very relaxing. The following week I headed out to Steubenville, Lancaster, and D.C. It was an awesome trip. It was good to see and hang with the old crowd. Lots of marvelously tasting beer and many good laughs.
Since being back from that trip I have moved into a house for the remainder of the summer with Andrew Lesh, gone on Knights retreat, and just hung out and relaxed. It truly has been awesome.
But reality has really begun to set in. I move in just barely over a month. Everything I have known for the last five years I will be saying goodbye to. It seems so wierd. As much as I am excited for this move and as much as I know that this is God's will for me, it doesn't make it any easier. This part of life is never fun. The cross part. You know the part where you have to lose something in order to gain another thing. The part where you have to suffer before you can experience joy. I'm standing at the threshhold of my cross. I can see it. There is a part of me that really is not looking forward to picking it up, but another part of me that wants to run towards it and embrace it, because I know what awaits me out there. That is the amazing thing about the cross of Christ, its that with it comes a resurrection.
Call me over dramatic. Yes this very much is in many ways a small cross compared to what others are facing in life. None the less It is a cross I am about to expereince. But as I said, bring on the pain, because I know after the tough part of all this is over, God has some amazing things in store for me. I have no idea what they are but I trust that they are better than anything I can imagine, because his plan has always been way better than my plan. That is what keeps me going, the hope of what awaits me when the hard part ends. I cling to that and remind myself of that every time I think about how hard it is going to be to leave this place. Five years ago I arrived here broken, alone, upset at God for bringing me here instead of New Orleans, for bringing me to a place away from all my college friends when all of them where some place with at least a small group of steubenville grads. But that was the suffering part, and when that ended what I have left is one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had. The experience of teaching at the most amazing school, encountering some incredilbe friendships, and the joy of God using me to affect so many lives. The relationships I have built here will carry me through to the next point on my journey.
So it will be hard it will be tough, but in the end God knows what he is doing and I am so very excited to experience the resurrection that will come from this cross.

Thanks for the Memories

2008-10-28T11:00:00.000-06:00

This was published on May 27, 2007

Well it has been ages since I have blogged. I figure it is about time. The last few months of my life have been insane. I've loved every minute of it, but I have been insanely busy. Here is a quick re-cap since January.
January- 2nd Semster began, started the biggest loser competition, decided to move to Denver and went on the March for life trip, and had Knights retreat. All things were incredibly successful.
February- Served on Sojourn, began job search in Denver, plugged along in the classroom, seems like I had something every weekend that kept be pretty busy.
March- I lost 36 lbs and came in second in the biggest loser competion, relaxed and enjoyed my Spring Break, started lifting weights, continued Denver Job search, had an amazing lent!
April- Easter came and it was amazing, was stressed with planning prom, began getting antsy for the school year to end! Also of course the highlight of my month was confirmation at SEAS and being a sponsor to Nick, Scott, and Josh. What a joy it was to see those boys confirmed and what an honor to be a part of it.
May- This month has been so surreal. It began with hitting 42lbs lost since january. Then I had the St. Francis Confirmation where I sponsored Stephen and Mike. Also a great blessing to be a part of that. I went to Iowa City to see my brother graduate college. Had a great time with my family. Was wiereded out when we went bar hopping with my parents and my brother's college friends. I've experienced every emotion possible over the last month. I was an emotional basket case on the day of farewell mass as I had to watch my seniors leave me and it hit me especially hard that I was not coming back to Carroll. I spent the whole day after farewell mass graduation party hoping and saying goodbye to my kids. Then of course there was graduation. I was more proud and excited then because I think I was all cried out at that point. The last week I had pretty much gotten over the sadness and because the Seniors were gone I was pretty much just annoyed to still be there. Friday came and as I packed up my class room all I could feel was greatfullness for having spent time there and relief that it was over. I leave for Denver tomorrow in hopes of finding a job and a place to live. At this point everything is in God's hands.
As I look back on the last few months I am flooded with so many good memories. It definetally was by far the best semester I have spent at Carroll. I have developped new friendships and relationships. I have gotten rid of so many relationships and people in my life that just made me unhappy. I have not been this happy in a long time. I feel more myself than I have ever been. I feel a sense of accomplishment with all the weight loss. I feel like a new person ready for a new journey ahead. The road that lies ahead will be very difficult. I am going to terribly miss this place I have called home for the last five years, but I know that God is guiding me. I know that I am doing his will. And though His will may not be easy, it always proves better than our own. So here's to what is left of my time in Wichita. I will cherish it, but I know I am ready to go on when the time comes.
Hopefully this won't be the last of my blogs. I will keep you all updated throughout the summer!

Let There Be Peace!

2008-10-28T10:59:00.000-06:00

This was published on March 18, 2007

So I finally get to blog. It has been way too long. A lot has happened since the last time I posted. I must say though that despite the constant buisiness life has been pretty dang good. It was a tough fall for me interiorly but I can definetally tell that with the weather so has my soul reached a Spring Time. So many possibilities await. So much excitement. A lot of sadness too. But even a midst that sadness there is joy.
We are well into Lent. I feel like Lent has been very fruitful. I've chosen to do a lot of little thing well rather than a ton of big things poorly. I must say that I have for the most part have kept up with everything and I am definetally feeling the graces from it. It has been tough as Lent should be but not so overwhelming that I want to give up.
I continue to prepare for the big move. Spring Break has arrived. When I go back in a week we begin the 4th Quarter. The final quarter of school and my life at Bishop Carroll. It is very strange that it is all about to end, but honestly there is still so much peace there about this decision. I'm getting a little nervous about finding a job, a place to live, and all the actual logistics of the moving, but every time I pray I keep getting a sense that it will all be ok I just need to trust. This can be hard but I know deep down it will all work out.
Confirmation is fast approaching for my boys. I am so excited for them to recieve this sacrament. I am so honored to be their sponsor. I've seen so much growth in these guys since I first met them that it amazes me. I am so glad that they are choosing to live their faith to the best of their ability. I continue to pray for them daily.
Life has been filled with so much grading, working, volunteering, and social activity lately it's hard to see where the time has gone. But I honestly feel so blessed with all the people around me. With all the gifts God is giving me. I couldn't ask for more.
There have of course been little frustrations and difficulties. but it wouldn't be a life well lived without struggles. I still love my job but to be honest with you it has become increasingly difficult in the last couple weeks to do it, especially knowing I'm leaving. I don't know why but teaching the Freshmen this year has become a true chore, a cross to bear if you will. I have a blast with my juniors but the temptation to not teach and just hang out becomes greater as the year wears on. So I definetally need God's grace to continue. I need strength and courage to keep teaching well and not give into those temptations.
Last week my driver side window on my car stopped working. It was stuck open. It cost $300 I don't have to fix. I had quite the fit. But hey, somehow God will take care of this too.
Well I'm off to enjoy my break for the week. Hopefully I will get a chance to post again this week.

AHHHH!!!!

2008-10-28T10:58:00.000-06:00

This was published on March 11, 2007

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Okay just needed to do that. It's the end of the nine weeks and I'm way stressed with grading and lots of other activities. Wish I had time to blog, but don't really right now. But I promise to update soon. Hopefully by next weekend! Hope everyone is having a blessed lent!

Random Rant 2

2008-10-28T10:57:00.000-06:00

This was published on February 10, 2007

So I have been in a reflective mood lately so I have lots of little things to mention. This one won't be as bitter or angry as the last random rant several months ago, but none the less still pretty random.
Random 1: I have been incredibly stressed this past week. Lots of papers to grade, lots of running around. Three weekends in a row of being busy finally caught up to me. I don't think I have felt as exhausted I was last night in a long time. Its been a good week, but a long week. I'm glad I'm finally getting some time to relax.
Random 2: My prayer time is slacking. Mainly because I've been so busy, but that is no excuse. Why is it that when we get busy and stressed the first thing we sacrifice is our prayer time? Shouldn't that be the last thing we give up in those stressful moments.
Random 3: I've been teaching and lecturing on the importance of strong family relationships, strong friendships, and how to date well in my Catholic Social Doctrine Classes. I may talk to my students about all this but It can definetally apply to me. It urkes me how poorly we have learned to build strong relationships. Human relationships are the escence of what makes us who we are. People don't date well, then they don't marry well, then they don't parent well. This drives me crazy. Why can't we take big decisions like marriage more seriously in our society? Why can't parents worry more about parenting their kids than being friends with them. Why are we so afraid of what people might think of us that we hide the real us and lessen the chances of ever forming truly lasting and real friendships? This stuff frustrates me so much. I wish people could just cut the crap and live their lives how they were meant to live them. One man and One woman is marriage, that's it, no excpetions! Get to know a person well and take the marriage covenant seriously! Parent your children; in other words, GROW A PAIR AND LEARN TO SAY NO! Letting kids come over and get trashed at your house and then not letting them drive home is NOT RESPONSIBLE PARENTING!!!! Who cares what the "in-crowd" does. The in-crowd is not your real friends and in the long run their lives will end up in a very shallow place. Real friends challenge you to grow, they don't challenge you to change your morals and standards.
Random 4: I had a small freakout yesterday. I realized how real this whole Denver thing is. I sent in my deposit and my possition at Bishop Carroll is officially open. They are accepting applications and resumes and will probably begin interviews for it in the near future. It wasn't necessarily a bad freakout, it was just an awakening. It was a feeling of, "Wow, I'm really leaving, I've never been so excited and so terrified, all at the same time." It's bizzare, but no matter how scary it may seem at times I've never even thought once about changing my mind on this. I have an incredible peace about it. I know God has my back on this one and somehow everything is going to work itself out. But please continue to pray that I find a job and place to live.
Random 5: I love teaching! My kids at Carroll rock. Enough said.
Random 6: I love the Knights of the Holy Queen. These boys give me so much joy. The brotherhood we have is amazing. Some of these boys never cease to amaze me. Most of them are light years ahead of where I was in High School.
Random 7: Praise God for my friends. Thank you all for challenging me to grow and bringing me to where I am today. Please continue to challenge me. Never be afraid to call me on. Pray for me and as always I will continue praying for all of you.
Well that's enough randomness for one blog. Hope all of you have a blessed week!

Bountiful Blessings

2008-10-28T10:56:00.002-06:00

This was published on January 30, 2007

I am truly amazed at life these days. I finally feel like I am out of the funk I was in last semester. I finally feel like I am seeing things more clearly than ever. I have a peace in my life I have not felt in a long time.
Ever since I got back from Christmas break I have honestly felt like I am on cloud nine. Life is just good. I honestly don't feel like I have a thing to complain about. My new set of classes is awesome. I love my students and I really feel like I am connecting with them more than last semester. Life with my friendships seems normal. The drama seems to have died down. The social rejects aren't coming around and I am getting along with pretty much everyone right now.
I also just cam back from two amazing weekends. This past weekend was Knights retreat and the weekend before I was in D.C. on the March for Life. Both those weekends were amazing.
D.C. was probably the best trip of the four years I have been. I got to ride on the Senior bus this year. It was so nice to spend time with the Seniors. I just seem to have a special connection with them and any time I get to spend with them I enjoy. We have been through a lot together. I taught them all, every single one of them as Freshmen and then most of them again when they were Juniors. In a lot of ways they have seen me evolve as a teacher and know me more than any other group of students to go through Bishop Carroll. We had a great time on the trip. We laughed and had some great conversations. We trapsed around D.C. I took a group to the Spy Museum and then some other museums at the Smithsonian. The masses we went to were awesome. It was so great to have our Bishop there, not to mention over 700 teenagers from the Wichita Diocese! It truly was an amazing trip.
The Knights retreat really re-energized me spiritually. I love spending time with those guys. They really inspire me. Some of those guys are simply light years a head of where I was in High School. The talks were amazing. We focused on the Beatitudes and the 7 last words. It was pretty sweet. The prayer time was great. The conversations were productive and boy did we all laugh harder than we have in a long time.
So to sum it up life is just good. God is amazing and he really has made it apparent in the last few weeks. Kind of ironic since I'm moving in August. But somehow it still all makes sense. Leaving this place is going to be one of the hardest things in my life thus far. I never thought I would say this, but it could potentially be harder than when I left Steubenville. God's will is never easy. I have never felt more confident that I am making the right decision though. Praise God for all the bountiful blessing in my life- my job, my friends, and my brothers in the Knights! Thank you Lord for Wichita, Kansas!

Update Coming

2008-10-28T10:56:00.001-06:00

This was published on January 28, 2007

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, but it has been very busy. I just got back from D.C. last Tuesday. I was there for the March for life. Awesome trip. I was then way behind all week trying to catch up on grading. Friday I left again to go on Knights retreat. Just got back today. Also amazing. But I am incredibly tiered and can't think real clearly right now. I promise to update later this week though. God bless all!

New Beginnings

2008-10-28T10:55:00.000-06:00

This was published on January 13, 2007

Today is the 13th day of 2007. It is a new year. A new semester has begun at school. I must say these first two weeks of the New Year have been incredibly eventful. God is going to make this an unforgettable year. I know He has some pretty unbelievable things in store.
I arrived back to Wichita late on the 1st after a very exciting and eventful stay in Miami for the holidays. Inservice was boring as usual on Tuesday. Classes started Wednesday and I must say I am incredibly excited about my classes this semester. I have some great Juniors and the Freshmen seem like a lot of fun.
However this is only a very small piece of the changes that have begun this semester. I also joined the Biggest Loser at work. I lost 4 1/2 pounds this week. Yet again though this is still only a very small part of the changes about to occur in 2007.
I mentioned in a previous post that I wanted to be enrolled in graduate school by the fall. Well it's going to happen. Towards the beginning of this school year I had started to doubt my original goal of going to graduate school for Theology. So I decided to look at some other options. I thought counseling would be a good idea. I felt, hey I'm good with people. This could be a good thing for me. Plus I would make more money, and that is a good thing right? Well I looked at countless programs. Got several applications. Told myself this was what I was going to do. But the entire time I was getting ready to do this I felt no peace. None at all. It just didn't fell right. I felt like I was doing this for all the wrong reasons. The main things motivating me were money, and wanting to be in D.C. where some of my close friends live.
Then last week a lot of things really began to hit me and turn me back toward my original goal. First the Bishop's homily at all school mass. He spoke about taking courage and doing what God has called us to do, even if it may seem scary. Then something I said to my cousin in an argument over Christmas kept playing in my head over and over again. I said to him "I'm sorry you have that impression about the Church, but that is not what the Church is about. That is WHY I DO WHAT I DO, so that people will come to realize what the Church really is about". This is what gave me my answer in a sense. There were also two other small things that happened over the break that I thought of. First my parents got a gift and a card from one of my student's parents. The card was thanking them for me and the influence I had had in the life of their son and his friends. Once again the phrase, THIS IS WHY I DO WHAT I DO came through my head. Lastly my parents told me they would help me out financially.
All the pieces came together. I experienced a clarity like I have not experienced in a long time. I was not called to counseling. I have been called to work in ministry for the Church. That is exactly what I'm going to do. I called the Augustine Institute in Denver, Colorado on Friday last week. They still have everything on file from when I applied last year. I also still have my 50% scholarship. The money my parents are giving me will cover the rest of my tuition. All I need to do is find a place to live and a job. That however, is in God's hands now.
I am moving to Denver in August. I told the school on Monday and began telling others on Wednesday. I am scared to death, but also know deep down inside this is what I am supposed to do. I feel so much peace about it. I am very sad to say goodbye to Wichita. This has been my home for the last 4 and a half years. I have made some great friends. I will miss you all terribly. I am not going to dissapear from the lives of the people here in Wichita, however. Ask anyone I know and they will tell you I am very good at staying in touch. So please pray for me these next 7 months as I finish one chapter in my life and begin another one.
"Behold I am the servant of the Lord, may it be done unto me according to thy will".

Adventures in Miami Part 2

2008-10-28T10:54:00.002-06:00

This was published on January 1, 2007

Happy New Year! Well 2006 has come and gone. So has my time in Miami. I will be getting on a plane in a few hours to head back to Wichita. For the most part this has been a very good vacation. I have greatly enjoyed my time with my family. I am ready to go back though. I miss being around people that think like me, and I miss being able to go to daily mass and adoration.
Well the party on Tueaday the 26th was a blast. The food was awesome and I had a great time drinking and talking to people.
Wednesday we went and ate cuban food as a farewell lunch for my dad. My dad left shortly after lunch. He had to go back to Illinois and start work again. We spent a large portion of the afternoon lounging around and napping. In the evening, we went to see another movie. This time we went and saw the Pursuit of Happiness with Will Smith. It was a little slow, but it was pretty good. A little depressing as well, but good.
Thursday was a day of early rising and lots of shopping. We shopped for a very long time, longer than any man should ever spend in stores. That's what happens when you have no car and are forced to go shopping with 4 women. After a long day of shopping we came back to my aunt's house for some fantastic Chinese food and a rousing family game of Trivial pursuit. My mom was on my team. Unfortunately she had drank a little too much so she was helping every other team but our own.
Friday the day was spent lounging again and then another party at my cousin's girlfiend's parent's house. Lot's of excellent Spanish food and good times with my cousins.
Saturday was probably the best day I had this whole trip. My aunt's boss has a nice little yacht and she invited all of us to go on it. It was a gorgeous day. We took a little trip on the ocean to the yacht club. There we had lunch and swam in the pool. Then we got back on the boat and continued to take a little tour of Miami from the Ocean. It was so awesome. The sun was shining, there was a nice sea breeze going. What I would give to be back on that boat. Such a beautiful day! I remember just looking around and thanking God so much that day for such an amazing feeling and for such beauty in His creation.
After the boat ride we arrived back at my aunts and I quickly discovered my phone was going crazy. It completely stopped working. No explination at all. Luckily T-Mobile will be sending me a new phone free of charge. But until then I have no phone. Whatever wil I do? Well I guess it is a good lesson in detachment.
Saturday night we said goodbye to my cousin Juan as he headed back to Peru because he had to work. We then went cosmic bowling. I bowled pretty well I must say. 126 the first round. Not bad at all.
Sunday, yesterday, we went to mass. We then lounged for a while. Then we went to my cousin's girlfriend's house for a while and played some pool and hung out. We then returned to my aunt's house to begin the New Years festivities. We played crazy Kingdom and Taboo, and drank some exceptionally good beer. Once again ate some amazing food. At midnight my cousin Francesco got up on the roof and jumped into the pool. My brother followed shortly after.
All in all 2006 was a good year. It definetally ended well. My goal for 2007 is to be enrolled in a graduate school program by August. I also am going to join the biggest loser at school. Good lord I ate a lot over this break. Probably gained like 15lbs. Oh well just hit the gym extra hard over the next few weeks.
I look forward to see what God has in store for me this next year. So many amazing possibilities. It scares me a little, but it also makes me very excited! Well Happy New Year Everyone! Hope God Blesses you abundantly this year.

Adventures in Miami Part 1

2008-10-28T10:54:00.001-06:00

This was published on December 26, 2006

It is currently the second day in the octave of Christmas. I've been in Miami since late Thursday evening on the 21st. So far this vacation has been good in many ways and very frustrating in others.
Friday was an enjoyable day of shopping, a good lunch, and a kick butt party. My cousins' friend had a tacky Christmas sweater party. I wore a very taky blue zip up woman's sweater vest full of snowmen and little sparkles. I of course added blinking battery powered lights to the outfit. I must say I looked awesomely tacky and gay. My brother and two cousins were very nicely decked out too.
Saturday was a nice day of relaxation. I lounged around and then went to mass with my sister in the evening. Then we went to dinner at my very wealthy great-uncle's lower penthouse apartment. The apartment was awesome, and the meal incredible. Unfortunately the conversation was frustrating. It got into everything you should not discuss- Religion and Politics. I realized more than ever before in that conversation that my family and our world needs major prayers. The amount of bullshit that they have bought into is beyond me. Their thinking is so flawed that to be able to get them to even be able to remotely understand where I'm coming from and why I believe what I do I would need a good two-three hours to explain basic ideas before I would even be able to really get into the issues they were asking about. Here is a small sampling of some of the comments that came out of their mouth:
"It is impossible to expect people to not have pre-marital sex."
"Who are we decide when life begins."
"What is so wrong about condoms."
"I don't understand why the Church doesn't accept gays, there are gay animals in the wild."
"The Church has no right to tell us what is right and wrong. It seems like the church is all about rules and regulations."
"The Church judges and condems women who have abortions."
"I don't understand what is so wrong with condoms and contraception. Some people simply should not have children."
And that is just a small sampling. It was me versus about 12 people. Not a fun conversation. So please pray for my family and our world.
Sunday was good for the most part but very frustrating when it came to Christmas eve mass. I have never in my life been to a mass where people where so disrespectful. We arrived at the Church about an hour before mass to get a seat. I was not able to focus and pray at all. There was constant chatter from the moment we walked in until we walked out. I felt like I was in a social hall and not a church. The chatter continued into mass, during the homily, and during communion. I don't understand how the priest allows it. To top it off my brother who no longer goes to mass, but was asked by my mom to come with us because it was Christmas, sat next to me working on a crossword puzzle. I told him to put it away. He was pissed but listened. I was livid. This was the hardest part about Christmas because since my family doesn't exactly celebrate Christmas the way I would like, the time I have in Church to pray before mass and during mass is my time to really escape and have a few moments of peace and silence. This did not happen this year so it made it difficult.
The celebration following mass was nice. It was nice to be with my mom's side of the family enjoying eachother's company and some excellent food. Santa as well did not dissapoint. I got an Ipod which I love. My mom also made me an amazing scrap book of my life since I was born until I graduated college. It definetally got me a little chocked up.
Yesterday, Christmas day, was another day to lounge around and relax. I got my ipod all set up and now I can enjoy my tunes. We also all went to see the Good Shepherd. My siblings and cousins didn't like it but my dad and I loved it. Great movie. I reccomend going to see it. A little slow and confusing at times but it certainly does not dissapoint.
My uncle and his wife Kari arrive today and we are getting ready for another big Christmas party here at my aunts. There will be over 40 people here. Should be a good time.
Well I hope all of you are enjoying Christmas. Remember it is only day 2 of 8 so party hardy and spend some time thanking our Lord for all the blessings he's given us.

Welcome to Miami!

2008-10-28T10:53:00.001-06:00

This was published on December 20, 2006

The semester officially ends tomorrow! I will be in Miami from tomorrow night until the 1st. I'll be thinking of all of you while I spend Christmas on the beach! I'll update the blog from there. Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!

The Fruits of Labor

2008-10-28T10:52:00.000-06:00

This was published on December 3, 2006

This week I have been truly amazed at all the amazing gifts God has given me in my life. I really feel like God is allowing me to see some of the fruits of my labor as a teacher.
While I love teaching and have in a sense always loved it this year has seemed a little bit more challenging. There have been several moments of me wondering why I do what I do. Honestly there are some days I wonder what the point of sharing the Gospel with others is. Teens especially can be so stubborn when it comes to it. So many of them come to class and put on a happy face. They pretened to care about their faith but then walk out the door and act like they only need to be Catholic in School and at mass. However this past week I've really been blessed to see how there are several kids I have had an impact on.
For example last week on Friday I had the pleasure of hanging out with the guys I'm sponsoring for confirmation. We went to adoration, lunch at Chili's and then went bowling. I am so amazed at how amazing this guys are. And I am so honored to be their sponsor. I truly look at these guys and think of them as little brothers.
Along with these five there are the other sophomore boys in their class that are honestly some amazingly genuine faith filled kids. Most of them are involved in Knights. I honestly love all of these guys. They bring so much joy to my life and really give me a reason to continue doing what I do. I look forward to every day because of these guys even though I don't have them in class. This group of boys shows me that it is possible to be a teenager in today's society and refrain from falling into so many temptations. And the beautiful part about it is that they still enjoy life while they do it. They are so full of life and joy and I know they get it. Somehow they get what life is all about. I praise God for these boys and I am thankful that he has used me to be part of the influence in their lives that keeps them on the straight and narrow.
Then of course there is a few of the Senior Guys. I worry about these guys a lot. They probably struggle more than anyone else. However the beautiful thing about it is that they always get up. I love seeing God's mercy work through these guys. It seems to be a constant struggle because the devil knows the kind of damage they can do if they would just be on board 100%. But I have seen some amazing growth in a couple of the Senior guys this year. I know that even if they screw up along the way I have an amazing peace in my heart that they will grow to be amazing men of God.
I really feel that God is using me to make a difference in this community. I know he will continue to do so while I am here. There is going to be discouraging moments. I'm going to be very frustrated along the way. But I know I will also experience moments like the ones I have this week. Moments that give me a small glimpse of the joys that will come in eternity when God willing I will experience heavenly glory with every single soul that has set foot in my class room and the halls of Bishop Carroll!

Bah Humbug!

2008-10-28T10:51:00.000-06:00

This was published on November 29, 2006

I love Christmas! It is honestly my favorite time of year. However, nothing irritates me more than this secular consumeristic society and the way they prepare for Christmas every year. The fact that Christmas decorations go up in stores shortly after Halloween and the add campaigns don't even wait until after Thanksgiving. Seriously people, have we forgetten about a little something called Advent? Thanksgiving was last week and all of a sudden everyone busts out their lights and decorates their yard and boom its Christmas. Folks advent doesn't even start until this Sunday!
Part of Christmas is being ready for Christmas. While on some level that means shopping for presents, and putting up the trees and the lights, that is only a very small part of it. We need to prepare our hearts for Christ. We need to take back the true meaning of this season. That means living as true Catholic embrassing the liturgical seasons and living within the mystery of Christ's life. Advent is an amazing time of year. We need to live in that season so as to be open to the graces God has for us so that we may more fully enjoy Christmas.
Think about it, from the perspective of Mary. She had 9 months of advent. She had to go through the pregnancy before she gave birth to her beautiful son. If you talk to any mother, while pregnancy has its difficult and painful moments, they love being pregnant. Pregnancy makes them experience even greater joy when the child comes. There is something to be said about the time of anticipation and preperation for big events in our lives.
I write this to myself as well. I challenge all of you as well as me to live in the moment of advent when it arrives. Let us truly be ready for Christmas by preparing our souls, not just our homes. I personally will be decorating for advent in my class room. I'm going to put an advent wreath on my little sacred space table, a Jesse Tree on my bulletin board and a nativity scene without baby Jesus, and maybe a few lights. I will make my classroom and apartment look like Christmas as it gets closer, maybe when the O antiphons start 8 days before. Aside from decorations I hope to set a little extra time out every day to pray with some spiritual reading or scripture. We need to experience Advent so we can more fully experience Christmas.
Well I hope you all enjoy the last few days of the current Liturgical year! Remember its not Christmas yet. Let's ring in the new Church year this Sunday by entering fully into the mysteries of Advent! Prepare Ye the Way of the Lord!

Being Human

2008-10-28T10:50:00.000-06:00

This was published on November 19, 2006

"Being human is a 24/hr a day, 7 day a week job". These were the main words of Father Jarrod's homily at one of the masses at school this week. It struck a cord within me. I've kind of been feeling like all I want is a break these days. I've never felt more in limbo and uncertain about my future as I do now. It seems like life has just been coming at me from so many directions over the last couple months and I wonder if I'll ever have things completely figured out.

The answer is that I won't ever have things figured out. Not until I meet my maker that is. I'm always going to wonder. I'm always going to have something to stress about. I'm always going to have something I can improve on in my life. I'm always going to have doubts about what to do. I'm always going to be human and with that comes certain challenges, privileges and responsibilities.

This week has been crazy. I think I have experienced every form of emotion. I've had a very "human" week. God sometimes has a way of really reminding us of our humanity, that's why Father Jarrod's homily was so fitting on Tuesday. It had been to that point and continued to be the theme of my week. I'm still feeling very anxious and confused about my future. Still know this is where I need to be at the moment in time. But I can't help but feel like there is something missing in my life. I'm happy, but I'm not content.

Monday I woke up and finally got back into my early morning work out routine. With being out of town and so much going on it had been difficult to do, but I was finally able to get back into it this week. The School day was good, but busy as usual. I was able to see Ryan Biedron, released from the hospital after the crash last week. That brought with it many emotions. I don't think I've ever appreciated my students as much as I have over the last week. God has made me really aware of how much I love and care about them.

Scott and Stephen asked me to be their confirmation sponsor. That brings the total to 5. It sounds like an absurd amount but I really think I'm supposed to do this. I'm cutting it off here though. I don't feel worthy of this at all. I'm nowhere near the example I need to be, but this will challenge me to be better. Plus these 5 guys are guys I care deeply about. They are seriously like my little brothers. They literally are through the Knights. I only pray that God uses my "humanness" to truly be a witness of his love to these boys.

Tuesday and Wednesday for some strange reason I experienced a lot of anxiety. I don't know why, but there was seriously something in the pit of my stomach bothering me. I seemed to be annoyed with every little thing. I was worried about everyone and everything. I don't know what it was and to be honest I haven't completely shaken the feeling. I don't know what God is doing inside me but I can literally the battle waging in my soul. It's scary but I'm trying to trust and surrender.

Last night was the final game of Carroll Football for the season. We lost to Great Bend 21 to 14. I felt so bad for my boys. They really took the loss hard. I just pray for them today. I only hope that they don't do anything stupid tonight. I hope and pray that they deal with their loss as humans and not animals.
Ok so this entry is really jumbled and skips around topics a lot. My real point is this. God is working. That means that he makes us work. He calls us to be human at all times. And that is going to mean good times as well as bad, as well as not so bad indifferent ones. The trials and the joys will never stop. We will never be able to fully make sense of what God is doing in our lives while we are here. But all that means is we have to work hard at understanding it here so that when the time comes we get the chance to make sense of all of it and appreciate it for what its really worth!

The Roller Coaster that is Life!

2008-10-28T10:49:00.002-06:00

This was published on November 9, 2006

Life has definetally been a huge roller coaster ride the last few weeks. It has been a while since I've written and I need to. It is very theraputic for me to get my thoughts out. This is probably going to be a bit of a long one so sit and chill for a bit.
To start with I met a really cool girl. I don't know were things will go. Nothing serious yet. We've just gone on a few dates and talk on the phone a couple times during the week. We met at a wedding a couple months ago. I am seriously enjoying talking to her and hanging out with her. The crazy thing is that I'm not in a rush to see it go anywhere. I just want to enjoy the beginning part of hanging out and getting to know each other without it being clearly defined as to what we are. It actually feels good to be cautious.
Then there was Cedor's wedding. That was an absolute blast. It was so good to see my brothers and spend time with them. It is good to see Cedor so happy. The other good thing is that while I was down there, this was the first time I've ever come home from visiting the New Orleans area that I have not wanted to move down there. I honestly think God is trying to remove that desire from my heart. I feel like I finally really and truly gave him that desire and He is really cleansing me of it. I loved my time there and I can't wait to go back and visit, but I don't think moving down there is in God's plan for me. It is good to finally start to realize this.
I came home from Cedor's wedding and was a little depressed for a couple days. I normally get that way every time I come home from New Orleans. It was a different kind of depression though. I didn't necissarily want to be down there I just miss being around all those guys. As I told Guy while I was down there I really loved Steubenville but in a lot of ways I hate it also because it seems like there is a part of me that will never quite be able to stop missing it or let go in other aspects. I don't miss the place but I miss the experiences and the people. Some days more than others.
Then it was time for Kyle's wedding. What an amazing trip. It was so good to see my Rockford crew. We had a good conversation, good beer, good times! Kyle's new wife Erin, is an awesome girl and I'm very happy for them. It was also good to spend time with Kip and of course Rosko and Kelly. There were a lot of people at that wedding I hadn't seen in years!
Then Sunday morning while I was in Cincinnati it happened. I was on such a big emotional high. To amazing weekends in a row and new possibilities developing in Wichita. But Sunday I came crashing down. When I woke up I had a voice mail from one of the other Teachers I teach with. Three of my students had been in a plane crash. One of them and his Father died. Miraculously the other two had survived. I was in complete shock. I couldn't react. All I could do was have Kip take me to mass and drop me off at the airport. I go to the airport 3 hours earlier than I need to, but I needed time to think. I spent the next few hours on the phone asking people to pray and talking to students who were emotionally distraught. It was a hard day that has lead into an even tougher week.
Tomorrow is the funeral. It quite has not hit me yet. I've been too busy trying to be strong for my students and those around me. I've been trying my best to keep busy. Somehow I think It is all going to hit during the funeral. It is tough that something so tragic has happened in our community. These kids should not have to deal with this at such a young age. However, I am confident that God's grace will prevail. I know something good will come out of this; in some way. I pray for my students. I pray for the repose of Ryan and Mark's souls. I pray for Ryan B. and John Rice that they would get through this difficult time of healing from the accident. I pray for Ryan's mom who was left without a son and husband on Sunday. Please join me in prayer for all these things. So as you can see it has been a crazy last few weeks. God is working some amazing ways despite the sorrow. I pray that I can stay strong and persevere. Thy will be done Lord, thy will be done!

Let the Wedding Marthons Begin!

2008-10-28T10:49:00.001-06:00

This was published on October 26, 2006

Well tomorrow I leave for New Orleans for Cedor's wedding! Can't wait. Should be a good time. Then next weekend off to Cincinnati for Kyle's wedding. Two Steubenville weddings in a row. It will be good to see those of you who will be there. Have a great next couple weeks. Updates to follow!

Six Years Later

2008-10-28T10:48:00.001-06:00

This was published on October 16, 2006

The train rides, chicken basket, the taste of Kaiser Beer, the Kartause, rooming with Jared and him hitting snooze for two hours in the morning. Quite afternoon hikes in the foothills of the alps, jumping in the freezing cold midebach. Urs, the Chiak, Judy's, the glass boot full or delicious beer. Happiness, sheer joy.

It has been six years since I experienced all this yet some of these memories are more vivid in my mind than what I did yesterday. Some days I can smell the air and feel the gravel on my feet on the walk through the courtyard to the chapel. It's hard to imagine that it all took place six years ago. The four months I spent in Gaming really shaped me into the person I am today.

My time in Austria really brought me to a new level in my faith. I experienced the universality of the Church in its entire splendor. Everywhere I traveled around there was an element of the spiritual. I was able to visit the tombs of Popes and Saints. I was able to walk through the Holy Doors of Saint Peters; all of this in the great Jubilee year of 2000. I saw incorrupt bodies and vocal cords of Saints. There were difficult times on these trips but it made the final destinations so much more worth it.

The relationships and friendships I developed during my time abroad where also amazing. I made some of the best friends I have ever had during that time. I still stay in touch with many of them and they still continue to guide me a long my spiritual path. The funny thing is that even those I don't talk to that often, I still feel a very lasting and strange connection to. There is something very deeply spiritual there and I pray for the people I was over there with often. Oddly enough a large percentage of my friends on myspace are people I was in Austria with.

The classes I took there brought me to a much deeper understanding of Theology and History. Medieval World with Father Conrad, while difficult to sit through at times, gave me a very deep understanding of the History of the Church during that time period. Dr. Asci's Christian Marriage class helped me to look at and view marriage from a perspective I never had before. His Western Spirituality class is what continues to drive me today to strive and have a prayer life.
Although I will never experience anything like that in my life again, I will always carry it with me. I thank God every day for all the amazing opportunities he gave me through Franciscan University. To all of you who were in the Fall of 2000 Austria crowd, happy 6th anniversary. I love you guys and think of our times there often. May God Bless whatever you are doing in life now and continue to help you grow on your path towards him.

Broken

2008-10-28T10:47:00.000-06:00

This was Published on October 5, 2006

I feel very bi polar these days. The fall just seems like a giant roller coaster so far. I get way up and excited and then I come barrelling down. It's been great in so many ways and I am so thankful to God for all the blessings he's given me, however there is something not right. I feel like I go through my days, and while I enjoy them, there is something missing.
My prayer life is not where I want it, but it is better than it has been. Well better in the sense of being disciplined and trying to have one, but I'm definetally going through a desert phaze. I honestly feel like God is not speaking to me at all. I speak but feel like I get no reply. I'd call it a dark night of the soul but I'm not Holy enough to experience one of those.
At School life is good, nothing to complain about, but something feels off. I'm not clicking with my kids like I have in the past. I love my students, don't get me wrong but they aren't giving me this overwhelming joy to see them everyday. It's almost like I enjoying seeing and talking to my former students in the hallways during passing periods more than I do my current students.
With my friends, I love them, I enjoy spending time with them, but I feel like some days I have to force myself to be around them. It has nothing to do with them. I generally enjoy myself when I'm with them, but for some reason I've felt like just not being around a whole lot of people lately.
I want to date and get married. I have a prospective someone I've been talking to here and there. Yet, I feel like I shouldn't be dating, like I'm not in a place where I should be dating. It makes me mad that I feel this way, because I want to date.
I feel like I've started to tear slightly. I feel like God is trying to break me. I feel like God needs to break me even more so he can build me back up. I'm not sure how he's going to do it but it scares me a little bit. A couple weeks ago after mass I was talking to a friend. This friend told me she had been praying for me and that God had told her I need to reconcile something from my past and then I would be out of here. I'm not quite sure exactly what she meant by that, but for some reason it made sense. It struck a cord with me. Maybe she was off base, maybe she wasn't. I just wish God would talk to me about that.
I'm not quite sure what's going on with me. A big part of me feels like I just should have left after last year. Part of me loves teaching and another part of me is ready for a carreer change. But I don't know what else to do. But then again who knows if that is really what's bothering me.
Honestly I know I'll be ok and everything will work itself out, but it sucks to go through this. If you could all just pray for me that would be great. Well hope everyone has a great weekend!

Frontier Fiasco

2008-10-28T10:46:00.002-06:00

This was published on September 26, 2006

Well folks we are finally into the school year. It is no longer the beginning of the year. We are definetally into it now. The key sign of that is Home coming week is here. This was one of my favorite weeks of the year during High School. I always enjoyed the dress up days and the Pep Rallies and off Course Powder Puff. Going to the home coming game in high school was purely for socializing. We didn't really cheer for our team. We always lost. The dance was always a good time. I had some good dates and some not so good dates.
Being a High School teacher during this time is definetally strange as I get some interesting flashbacks. It is also different to experience it teaching at a Catholic School as opposed to going to a Public School. The kids go all out here. In High School not many of us dressed up because we didn't have to wear uniforms so it wasn't a big deal to get to dress up. Here almost all of them dress up. Any chance they get to get out of uniform they take. Today was Animated Character day. I definetally enjoy dressing up with them as well. I was Harry Potter Today. Thursday is Decade day. I will be going as a Hippie. Lastly Friday is Bishop Carroll Pride Day. As usual I will be sporting my Bishop Carroll Football shirt and jeans.
Tommorrow is all school mass day. This is definetally something that was not a part of my high school experience. It is such a blessing to teach at a place that is striving to teach kids to put Jesus Christ at the center. I love that mass is a part of every celebration we have here at Carroll be it a spiritually focused one like Christmas or not.
The kids also decorate Trophy Cases here based on the theme. The theme this year is Frontier Fiasco. We used to deocrate court yards and build floats. This is definetallt where my old High School wins points. Floats and Court yards are much cooler than trophy cases. As Junior class sponsor I get to be very involved in all this stuff so the week definetally gets long.
Thursday night brings the annual bonfire and Powderpuff game. This year unfortunately, due to some inappropriate behavior on the part of the Juniors and Seniors the annual game has been canceled. We used to not only have the girls play each other in football, but a whole bunch of other games and relay races. Not to mention the guys would dress as cheerleaders.
The Pep rally will be on Friday at the end of the day. This is a big difference from my high school days. The kids actually get into it and cheer. We never really did much. I will be preforming in a lip sync with some other teachers at the Pep rally. We will be preforming New Kids on the Block's Hanging Tough. It should be a good laugh. I've also unfortunately been entered into a Kiss the Pig Contest by the students. 5 of us teachers have been nominated. We have jars with our pictures on them in the library all week. The person who collects the most money has to kiss a pig on the lips at the pep rally. The person with the second most money has to kiss the pig on the head. I haven't had a date in months so I'm hoping I win, lol hahaha.
Friday night as always brings the football game. This year Carroll plays West. It should be a fairly easy win. There is nothing like a Friday night Carroll game. The crowds are out in full force. The Cheering is exhilirating. And we actually win. This is a huge change from my high school days. Guilford was not exactly top notch when it came to football.
Saturday night will be the dance with the theme of Frontier Fiasco. I will not be there as I already am in charge of prom and that enough for me. I only pray our kids behave themselves and are smart enough to not pull anything stupid.
All in all I still enjoy homecoming week as a teacher. The only challange is keeping kids focued in the midst of all the craziness.
Well it should shape up to be a pretty good week. Look for updated pictures on my page of this weeks events in the days to come. I'll be sure to get a picture of me with the pig if I win. Blessed week to all!

The War Wages On!

2008-10-28T10:46:00.001-06:00

This was published on September 25, 2006

Folks we are at War. Every day is a battle. The enemy is strong and grows stronger each day. This is a war, that in the end we will not lose, victory will be ours, however, the key is not becoming a casualty of this war.
Every day I wake up and go to battle. I go and fight not only for myself but for so many others. I feel very unworthy to fight in this war. Some days I feel strong, as if though I've dealt swift blows to the enemy. Other days I feel weak and wounded, frustrated and scared to go on. Some days I wonder if it is at all worth it. I refuse to give up fighting to protect myself, but I wonder if fighting to protect others when they refuse to protect themselves is worth it?
A student moves out on her own and almost gets kicked out of school. A student pees on three girls in the middle of the bleachers in the student section. Numerous students suspended for being drunk at school functions. Students who are pregnant. Students who don't go to mass on Sundays or go to confession. Students who drink excessively every weekend, forgetting how to do anything else to entertain themselves. Students in sexually active relationships. Students who smoke pot in the school parking lot and get suspended. Students who rape other students. Students who partake in the use of hard drugs. Students becoming casualties of this war and not even realizing it.
Do you not listen to anything we say? What is the point of giving you a Catholic education? Your souls are in danger! Don't you understand I love you, your parents love you, your other teachers love you and we want you in Heaven with us. Do you not realize that you are jeopardizing your chance at salvation? This is not a joke, this is a serious issue!
I know I have been wounded in battle many times. I know that my soul is in danger sometimes too. I am not perfect. But it is so frustrating to be a soldier in a war where the others aren't fighing at all.
Christ will have the victory. His army will prevail. I pray for the grace to always remember this and hope in this. I hope I do not become a casualty of the enemy. To my fellow soldiers, I will always keep fighting for you, but I beg you to grab your weapons and join in the fighting because I don't know how much longer I can hold the enemy off for you!

Random Rant

2008-10-28T10:45:00.001-06:00

This was published on September 13, 2006

I'm in one of those moods where I feel like venting. So I've decided I'm going to. I'm in one of those moods where I find everything annoying today. I hate days like that but oh well.
First of all I'm frustrated with the little stupid things some of my students decide to do. Seriously how incredibly idiotic do you have to be to bring a substance in a spray can call Super Fart to school and spray it everywhere. I honestly think some kids just don't have any common sense.
I'm frustrated by the fact that all my friends are getting married or dating and I can't meet anyone in this God forsaken town. I seriously just want to start my life. I know I need to trust God and all that but come on man, cut me a break here.
I'm tiered of the fact that I can't be perfectly content in my life. I don't want to be at Bishop Carroll the rest of my life but I don't know where to go from here. My parents keep bugging me to go back to school and get my Masters. I do want to get my Masters but I honestly don't know what in. It changes daily. And God has decided to not be real clear on the issue so I'm kind of left in the dark frustrated.
I'm tiered of the high school petty crap that goes on with my group of friends here. I thought I was 26, not 16. Seriously I get so irritated with the constant drama and the whinning of why wasn't I invited. Why do we have to make sure 30 people are at everything. And when we get together it seems like people spend more time telling people how to live their lives instead of asking how its going.
I know I need to love everyone and all but I'm sorry there are simply some people who are socially retarded that I don't care to spend my time with. I have no problem if they come to Rosary or some of the big group things. But frankly when I'm hanging out with my friends on the weekends I don't want them around. I work my butt off all week. When the weekend comes I want to RELAX with my friends, not stress out because someone I don't like didn't get invited or use every ounce of my being to tolerate someone's company that annoys the crap out of me. I'm sorry but It's getting to the point where I'm going to start staying home if certain people are at a particular place. I'm done being forced to hang out with people I don't get along with simply because they are Catholic and we have to pretend like we are one big happy family.
I'm tiered of not having any good single guy friends I can hang out with on a regular basis. Hanging out with girls all the time is starting to really drive me nuts. I miss my household brothers!
I'm tiered of Govenor feminatzi Sebelius! I hope she loses the damn election.
Ok well that was fun. Anyways, there is my rant. I'm not exactly as upset or depressed as I sound but I needed to get some things off my chest. I hope everyone is annoyed at their life like am. If your happy with yours keep it to yourself cause I don't want to hear it right now! LOL

Rock Chalk J-Hawk!

2008-10-28T10:44:00.000-06:00

This was published on September 11, 2006

This last weekend I went to Lawrence, KS. Home of the J-Hawks. My house hold brother John-Mark lives there and teaches at the St. Lawerence Center (Catholic Campus Center). It was a good trip. I didn't have the chance to go to his wedding this summer so I wanted to make a trip to see him and his wife Jess. It was a nice realxing time, exactly what I needed after a long week of teaching.
I also got to see several old students who attend KU now. I had the pleasure of taking Nathan Jones and John Ellison to lunch. It was good to see them. Their dorm room is huge and nicer than my apartment, got to say I'm a little jealous. But as John Mark put it, "Welcome to a State School, you get everything but an education." HAHAHA.
This past week-end I got to see quite an interesting phenomenon, college sports mania! I went to a tailgate before the KU game. It was really amazing to see the atmosphere on campus on Saturday. It was pretty invigorating but at the same time disturbing. I think myself and John Mark where the only two in a 10 mile radius that were not wearing blue KU shirts. Peoples lives literally seemed to stop and revolve around this football game.
Thinking about it this is really no different than Friday nights in Wichita, KS during Carroll Football. Or Sunday afternoons everywhere in the country when your favorite NFL team plays. It's like all of a sudden a nation of people that during the rest of the year fails to find their purpose all of a sudden has a reason to live during Football season. It's quite sad actually.
Don't get me wrong I myself LOVE football season. I'm in a fantasy league, I participate in a football picks competition with the teachers at school and I religiously attend Bishop Carroll Football games. However, this is not what I live for. Can you imagine what our world would be like if our country got as excited about Mass and the Eucharist as they did about football? If football was actually placed in the category of leisure and not in the category of religion for some people, this world might actually be much better place to live. I find it absurd that attendance at mass and other church activities actually goes down during football season. Come on folks lets get our priorities straight.
Let's remember what we live for. Our Creator and Our Faith, not football. Enjoy sports, use them to add to your life and make it more entertaining, but don't make them your life.
On a side note, today let us not forget to remember in our prayers the victims of 9/11, their families, and all our troops who are fighiting to protect our freedom and stop terrorism.
Eternal rest grant unto them O Lord, And may perpetual light shine upon them. May they rest in Peace. Amen

Love is patient, Love is kind...

2008-10-28T10:43:00.000-06:00

This was published on September 3, 2006

This past week has been insane. Along with the usual teaching all week I spent the week doing lots of grading, going to a fantasy league draft, working soccer games, Parent walk-thru and the Carroll Football game. We lost our first football game, which is unusual for Carroll, boy was it frustrating. Sarah Sheldon came to town and last night, her Ashley, Joe, Aly Ann and I went out. It was a blast. We spent the night in Old Town and then closed it with a little I HOP. I didn't get home until 4:00a.m. I haven't had a late night like that since college.
This week I have spent a lot of time thinking about and reflecting on Love. More than anything in this world I just want to be able to love everyone I meet with the love of Christ. Unconditional love. This is something that comes very easy to me when it involves loving my friends, family, and the students that don't give me problems. However when it come to love of enemies and love of those more difficult students it is quite another story.
For example, last week at the back to school dance several students where caught drinking and suspended. Two of those students where also caught hazing a couple freshmen by paddling them with a baseball bat. One of the students that was caught for hazing happens to be a student that completely hates me and as a result I have a very difficult time loving him. Well because of his behavior he is currently suspended and pending a hearing could be expelled. My initial reaction to this was not only anger, which is natural but also I have found myself wanting the worst to happen to him for these offenses. I even told myself I would go out for a celeberatory drink if he got expelled.
I understand that there should be consequences to his actions and he needs to be punished, that justice needs to be served but that needs to be coupled with mercy and love. I want to be a person who can love him and wants what's best for him, but it is very hard for me to do that. I just want to have that love of Mother Theresa being able to love the most poor and vulnerable. I want the love of St. Therese that can offer up the littlest and biggest annoyances of another person and just love them in little ways. I want the love of St. Maximillian Kolbe that would allow me to sacrifice my life for that of another. I want the love of Mary that would allow me to say yes to my God no matter how difficult it is.
I want to be able to look into the eyes of every person, every student, every enemy of mine, and see Jesus somewhere inside them. I want to leave the mark of Christ's love on the soul of every person I encounter. This needs to begin by deepening my own love for God so that I in turn can show that love to others. Lord help me to do this. To all of my myspace friends and blog readers know that I love you and I'm sorry for the times I have fallen short on loving you. I ask for all your help as well, hold me accountable and call me on it when I am not loving to the extent that I should.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, it is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7).